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Fear of Birth....Need advice

Discussion in 'Post Pregnancy Care' started by kanmani, Oct 7, 2006.

  1. kanmani

    kanmani Junior IL'ite

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    Whom to get for help during delivery?

    Hello ladies,

    My friend is due for her baby in December. She has planned to have her delivery here in the US. Now she is in a dilemma whether to get her in-laws or parents during her delivery for help.

    Havind heard some not so good stories from some of our friends who got their in-laws for help, she is worried if it would work that way with her too. She has hardly been with her in-laws for she came here in a week's time after her wedding. So she does not have the experience of their relationship.

    She would like to get her parents ideally, but worried whether her in-laws or husband might feel bad if she does not call them first for help.

    Let me know which would work out better based on your experiences.
    I agreed to get her opinions from Indusladies community.

    - K.
     
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  2. Vandhana

    Vandhana Silver IL'ite

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    Hello Kanmani,

    Here are my two cents. Please ask your friend to talk openly with her husband about this . She can tell him her true feelings and qualms about the post delivery phase. I think girls are usually more comfortable if her mother is there for the delivery. How ever , this might also be a good time to get to know her in laws. ( who knows, she might have very loving in laws and a very different experience ). Practically, she should ask both her parents and in laws to go for visas( in the case that one of them does not get it!) , better to have a back up.

    If they decide to bring over her parents to help, you can always ask the inlaws to come over during the later phase say when the baby is around 4 months or so and stay till the first birthday.

    Hope this helps.

    Vandhana
     
  3. Chitvish

    Chitvish Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Hello Kanmani !

    Can't help admiring you lovely user id ! I am sure you are one to your family.

    How can I not share my thoughts, on such issues ?
    Please tell your friend, that after consulting her husband about the health condition etc of his parents, she should make the first offer to her parents-in-law. I now see that some of my friends take offence if they are not asked for. Hence only this suggestion ! Your friend's husband can subtly hint to his parents that it will not be a pleasure trip alone but will entail some responsibility as well. If they agree, well & good. Otherwise she can call her parents. This stay will also prove a bonding period for her with in-laws, which ultimately will help her in life.
    I fully agree that she will definitely feel more comfortable with her parents, but if an offer is not made at all, some in-laws take offence.
    Please understand my suggestion in the right perspective. Do not think I write this because I am a MIL. You will be surprised if I tell you that for my DIL's both deliveries, I accompanied her to the hospital & stayed with her right through, without coming home even once till she got discharged. She asked me for it !
    I am sure all I L ites will comment that I am sounding typically " MIL ish" !
    Well, it is to prevent her from being criticised later for an inadevertant omission.
    Please give her my wishes for a smooth delivery & a healthy baby.
    Love & regards,
    Chithra.
     
  4. Nila

    Nila New IL'ite

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    My two cents is to call parents!

    <TABLE id=HB_Mail_Container height="100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0 UNSELECTABLE="on"><TR height="100%" width="100%" UNSELECTABLE="on"><TD id=HB_Focus_Element vAlign=top width="100%" background="" height=250 UNSELECTABLE="off">
    Hi Kanmani,

    My two cents is your friend should call her parents, if it is possible for them to come. More than before delivery, post delivery it is always better for a girl to have her mother next to her. However good and understanding a MIL is, post delivery period is a time your hormones keep regulating the most and it is easy for one to get into depression mode, got to learn new things with the baby and so it is better to have someone who is understanding and can tolerate. Also it is easy to get cranky and lose temper during this time. All this cannot be done with anyone other than the mother and only she can tolerate it.

    Chitvish,

    Please do not get offended that I am suggesting something against your suggestion. I went through this period recently, so this advice based on my experience. Not all MILs are "Chitvish" to be extraordinarily understanding and helpful. Whatever you tell them and bring them that it is not a pleasure trip and they are coming for help, at some stage they behave as though delivering and bringing up a baby is not a big deal. Moreover they also think this much help is more than enough for a DIL and start behaving very indifferently. In fact, from what I have heard and seen, many DIL - MIL relationships have got worse only after they coming for help during delivery time. In order to avoid the offense taken if MIL is not invited, some DILs go through a relationship stress in addition to the other stresses during the delivery time.

    Hope you will understand from my perspective (DIL).

    Love,
    Nila
    <TR UNSELECTABLE="on" hb_tag="1"><TD style="FONT-SIZE: 1pt" height=1 UNSELECTABLE="on">
     
  5. safa

    safa Bronze IL'ite

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    declared war with Mother in Laws?

    Have you declared war with Mother in Laws?
    I have never seen a thread started for some purpose like this without blaming MILs! So we get something interesting to read..
    Since most of the people go abroad, we could see this usually, one, there is a pleasure trip for the parents of husband, second, the parents of wife visit for help after delivery.
    why don't we consider both parents in the same manner? Don't the parents of hus know how to care after confinement? They know , but wife can't adjust with them. That is the problem.
    There is nothing wrong to ask them and bring them if they will. If you find some thing that you don't like , be patient and keep quiet. Do it for your husband. And think after years, the same situation would happen to you.
    Could you suffer if your loving child is separated from you mentally, or if he says some thing that hurt your feelings?
    At last, how did you get this wonderful husband? From she only, your great MIL.The way she brought up him made him suitable for you..

    when we are happy with some one, we cannot find any faults, and if we are not satisfied with them there comes a flow of defects! that is human nature.
     
  6. Kamla

    Kamla IL Hall of Fame

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    A nice thought...But..

    Dear Safa,

    I know you mean well by taking up for Mother in laws. How can we forget that mil is also a woman, she is actually one of us! Besides, one cannot generalise and put everyone under the same blanket because a few mils behave badly. The same goes to the dils too.
    But all said and done, pregnancy and delivery is a very trying period in any woman's life. Especially when she is abroad and has no family help. Situations in a foreign country takes time to adjust to even for young people. When one is older, it is a bit more difficult. This holds true even when considers that today's mil is a younger and is a more aware woman. But if it is going to be her first visit abroad and the sole purpose of such a visit is to help in household chores which will be more than doubled when there is a new baby around, one has to give it a good thought as to if that is the right time to invite one's mil. There may be many cases where the young would-be parents would like to invite the girl's mil because she may be the better person to help than the mother. So, everything depends on individual people.
    BUT, when in doubt, go for the mother. Because a mother and daughter can get through stressful period inspite of differences and arguments. They have no choice!! But it could create problems between a mil and dil which were not previously there. So, no harm in thinking this out thoroughly before an invitation is extended. One can catch up with the formalities and love later, it need not be at a stressful situation.
    My two cents.

    L, Kamla
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2006
  7. sunitha

    sunitha Gold IL'ite

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    Right on target,Nila!

    I fully agree with Nila from my experience too.A MIL cannot replace one's own mother...most mil-DIL relationships worsen only after a baby is born.




     
  8. prabhasunil

    prabhasunil New IL'ite

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    How easy is pregnancy to manage by ourselves?

    Hi friends,
    Iam from tamilnadu,currently have accompanied my husband to his foriegn business trip .we got married 8 months ago and by this august one year will be completed.we planned to have a baby,but after somedays we felt it would be nice to earn first and then have a baby,since we both are not too aged.
    Our parents r insisting to have a baby.They say in our life we have to give first preference for our baby only.we can earn later also.
    Really Iam unable to take a decision.Both sides seems to be right for me.
    Another problem is if we want to have a baby I have to go to India and Iam not ready to leave my husband.I have confidence that we can manage alone here,but my husband says it will be difficult here ,since he will not be able to get more holidays.
    Is it very difficult to manage pregnancy and delivery alone?Will there be any problems during the delivery?Really Iam having a lot of questions in my mind.
    I know there r many experienced mother's in our site.Please help me with my doubts.
    Also please tell me if it is wrong to have a plan?Is there any sideeffects both physically and emotionally in our life if we donot have a baby for some more period.
    Iam waiting for ur answers.Please reply me.
     
  9. Sumaticg

    Sumaticg Senior IL'ite

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    Re: Help me with ur opinions...

    Dear Prabha

    I am also from Tamilnadu. It all depends on u and ur hubby.
    My marriage was an arranged marriage and we got married in 2002. I beleive 100% in planning. We were engaged in feb and got married in July. In between we hardly had time to talk and understand each other above all as my hubby was in his inception stage of his business he was travelling a lot (before marriage within Zambia). After marriage we were together alone for a month and my inlaws moved with us. Though we all live togehter and my inlaws are very nice , I always had some constrain in talking with my hubby before them freely as i always had a thought of hurting my inlaws feelings as my hubby was only son.
    But we decide to stay without baby for 2 year (my hubby wanted sometime to accept me into his life as he was used to being alone)and our understanding process was slow steady and bondage is strong. Now we are almost 4 year we both are financially comfortable, business going stable and deep love and understand which we both always from the beginning wanted to have one each other.
    We planned in 2005 and i had 2 m/c but my husbands love and support is the only energy and support tonic. there were days when i would irritated him most when i am depressed but he was so loving and kind that his one smile and hug cools me down. One the day of my m/c i was totally grived and he was more upset seeing me crying and holding me the whole night .
    As u said my parents and inlaws are worried and were telling because of our delay only i am having m/c but we both believe that it is all our fate and things had to happened it happened.
    I also wish to add one of my best freind is expecting now they planned for nearly 6 years and they are now financially sound which they wanted to reach
    Unless until u both are healthy and young there is no reason to hurry . This you got to decided if needed based on a casul visit to the Dr and a simple check up.
    S
    My advise is enjoy the current precious early stages of married life and slowly decide on it .BUT I ALSO WISH TO ADD ONLY U BOTH CAN DECIDE ON IT ON UR LIFE.

    Cheers sumi
     
  10. prabhasunil

    prabhasunil New IL'ite

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    Re: Help me with ur opinions...

    Thank u very much sumati.
    Ur thought was very useful to me.I will use it and take a good decision very soon.
     

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