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Family Friends Terminated Relationship And I Am Confused How To Deal

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by sanjuruby3, Nov 7, 2019.

  1. Mistt

    Mistt IL Hall of Fame

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    Oh! You are worrying about how to deal with big parties without help of those good friends but you haven't been thinking about their feelings. Hmm! Seeing New definition for why we need friends.
     
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2019
    Topaz49, nakshatra1, Sofea and 5 others like this.
  2. KayKuyil

    KayKuyil Silver IL'ite

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    Unfortunately it has become the norm for lots of families in US at least. ‘Friends’ have become more as a party count to show off or for ‘what if I need help’ scenarios.
     
  3. shravs3

    shravs3 Finest Post Winner

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    Some families exploit friends in the name of help especially here in US :smirk:
     
  4. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    Op I feel you should have apologized immediately after the incident the next day by going to their house . I don’t see any point in continuing this relationship without a apology from husband. Why does your husband wants to throw so many parties ? I think the best bet would be to drop by when mom is here and apologize which they deserve . After that just follow their lead on how to take this relationship further . How does your husband manage now ? If you knew your husband’s temperament it is your responsibility to protect all your relationship. You need to make sure your husband has no access to your friends .
     
  5. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    I do feel since OP has provided her side may be we can be less judgemental. Living with her abusive husband has made her feel like this is normal. She is already feeling bad why read between sentences and pass judgements. If someone really wants to exploit friends they are more than capable to convince them not post in online forum for suggestion. I do see OP has been stuck in this relationship. It is hard when you loose friends because of your spouse. It is unfortunate situation. You can neither walk out of marriage nor walk out of relationship. I hope she finds peace.
     
  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Looks like the good friendship, the bond was between the mothers. For their sake, and because they saw your situation with your h, they thought ‘poor sanju’ and came forward to help. But when your h was rude and arrogant, ‘poor sanju’ was missing, didn’t bother to set right or follow up. So now they are keeping away.
    I advised that you should apologize because clearly wrong is on you. I feel this caused your mom a lot of social embarrassment back home so for that sake at least you should make your h admit his fault and say sorry.

    But will the friendship survive or not? Depends. Hard to say how it plays out.

    But you need to stop making excuses for him. Did it occur to you he is somewhat jealous and insecure about these loyal friends? Even the words you used ‘boy is over smart, she is ok’, sounds like judgements he would’ve passed- minimize the guy but build up the woman to compare you unfavorably with her. His behavior and your passivity has caused you to miss two very good and loyal friends and it is your loss not his. I feel sorry for you.
     
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  7. Sofea

    Sofea IL Hall of Fame

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    If I can be really blunt, I believe that both of you (meaning you and your H) have been taking this young couple for granted. The fact that he yelled at them when they were merely helping you both and yet none of you bothered to apologise to them. It took you both a month and numerous unanswered calls from them to even realise that they were upset. And only then it dawned upon you both that your H's yelling could be the reason??! Seriously??

    And please stop making excuses for you and your H. You said that your H is 99.9% at fault and the guy is 0.01% at fault because as "good friends or as brother he could have taking that he is yelling out of host stress + stress of being new dad and trying to take care of many things"

    You yourself had said that your H doesn't show his anger at his own brothers because they would talk back at him. And yet, you didn't mind your H treating this guy like a jerk and worse still you were expecting this guy to understand your H's situation and take this crap from your H?

    To me, you and your H are equally at fault for this mess you are in. You both should stop taking people for granted and treat people with respect and dignity. No matter what situation it is, your H had no right to yell at others and if he does, then you should at least take the effort to apologise on his behalf. Thank God these people are gentle enough to leave your party without creating issues. If it was me in that guy's place, your husband would have got a punch on his face the moment he starts yelling at me!
     
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  8. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    I don’t think OP meant she misses their help at big parties, more like she misses their presence at big parties.
     
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  9. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I feel there is more underlying issues- when you say boy is overmsart - why you feel so? Will these issues ever get resolved? Unless you have genuine liking /respect for them, otherwise no right to expect friendship or help.In future, your H might repeat .


    Your husband (and you) are completely at fault, even if he did whatever, it was your duty to apologise immediately. But you both took them for granted. If you disrespect someone, take them for granted, shout at them when they come to help you , and you still want them to have you in their lives- it's not fair. I feel you have good intention but you are so intimidated by your husband for so long that you are not able to take independent decision/action. You need to find your confidence otherwise you may end up losing your support system due to your husband's bullying. As you said, he would not dare do with his own brothers , but he thinks he can take your friends for granted.Even you say he should forgive as a brother, do you feel it's ok for your own bro to put up with your H such behaviour?? Is that how he treats your family too?? .We have to treat others with basic respect and gratitude, and not expect them to adjust with unacceptable behaviour due to the emotions.
     
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2019
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  10. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    When people are rude to you, they reveal what they are, not who you are. It may be time to move on. That is exactly what your friends did.

    Even healthy relationships aren't perfect, but don't ignore the red flags. Strong bonds require respect, support and most importantly, effort.

    These are the basic expectations that most people have:

    • Your friend treats you with respect.
    • Your friend tries not to hurt your feelings.
    • You like friends who make you laugh or lift your spirits.
    • You appreciate your friends and value their friendship.
    Effective Ways To re-connect and save your friendship:

    Conversation is key to any relationship - Apologize

    It's vital that your apology be sincere. Saying "I'm sorry," isn't going to be enough. Empty promises won't work either. You need to know how to apologize and mean it, or you'll never earn the forgiveness you crave. When you're apologizing, say what you did wrong and why you realize it was wrong. Never include a "but, …" or list off things the other person has done in the past. This isn't about them; it's about you.

    Send a Gift

    Make it personal and show that you care, and the way to do that is to send a meaningful gift.

    Be Better

    Your apology means nothing if you don't change your ways. Just saying you're going to be better isn't enough; you have to figure out how to make it true.

    Good friends are hard to come by.
     
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