1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Family Friend Imposing Decision

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by mohini16, Aug 31, 2020.

  1. mohini16

    mohini16 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    170
    Likes Received:
    126
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello people ,
    Help me decoding this behaviour from close family friend woman of my mother's age.
    Some of you might know that I am single mom and I decided to give birth to baby when I was sure about breaking the marriage to person who lied about many things before marriage.

    Now when I was pregnant I cameback aloneand delivered child here (foreign country)

    This family friend helped me like she came to hospital for delivery, I stayed at their place for 10 days after coming from hospital.
    So I consider and respect her because she helped me in most toughest time.

    That time her son bought house and she moved to house and they sublet their apartment to me as they didnt want to give up on this apartment, it is 3 bedroom apartment at less rent (rent is less as tey had long lease from years)
    So basically I got 3 bedroom apartment at rent of 1 bedroom which was good deal for me too.
    I am staying in master bedroom and I rented other room to female,
    So I have company and support at home from roommate.
    Now I was renting 3rd room too (I don't need it) I have my big bedroom.
    But this aunty wanted to come and stay here for 2 nights,
    I rushed to get that room vacant since this aunty doesn't want I should rent both the rooms so she can come and stay here whenever she wants! Which is stupid but I didn't want to hurt her so now I keep 3rd room empty because last time she saw girl staying in 3rd room she got offended.

    Now here are the issue.
    She thinks it is still her apartment and I'm not entitled to rent any room ( she wants to come and stay whenever)

    Now she came here to stay a month ago and I'm still furious after she left.

    1) she claimed she wants to stay to guide me about my daughter (she is 15 months now, not new born, I raised her alone till now) but still she said I'm coming to see how you are raising baby.
    I said sure..
    She came and started pointing things you have food sticked on your floor. Your bedroom curtains is old now, you need to change this table cloth now, like bloody Mil..
    Then she goes on to my cooking,I cooked special food for her, she said your food is not well-cooked.
    You were good when you were new in this country now you have become westernized.
    I responded her finally after listening to nagging for 2 days... I will hire maid now for cooking once I start working again.. Cooking is waste of time (I'm descent cook, everyone says that in my circle except her)
    She was making face that I will hire maid for cooking..
    Now thing is.. She went to my neighbour (our common friends) and did bitching about how I keep house (which is her house according to her)..
    She was behaving like owner of this house and I am her secretary..
    I still overlooked all this...

    2) now this is the biggest issue..
    She continues to tell me that I will be alone now with my daughter for rest of my life because that's what she believes (she said it exactly)... I believe you will be with your daughter for life now and you don't need to think about marriage because you have baby girl.
    She said once is fine.. But she keep repeating it and she told me at least 4 times.. I understand the concern but she is like telling me what to do with my life..
    She has 3 kids of her own (40 years old divorce daughter with no kid who is not planning to remarry, 38 years old single son who is not ready to marry, and 27 years old youngest daughter who is also denying to get married)...
    She keep saying to me when she plays with my daughter that she will not get to see her grandkids since none of kids will marry.

    So I believe she is imposing same decision on me. And she thinks she can impose because she did big favor to me by helping me in delivey.

    3) she insisted me like crazy this time when she came to send my daughter in daycare which she found,
    She called me 3 times to ask if I ask them for appointment and when I'm putting my daughter in the daycare which she showed and it is close to her house since my daughter is not learning much at home with me only..
    I enquired at daycare but finally decided not to put her this year because of this virus...
    But what makes me angry is like she is after me like crazy..
    I feel she is pushing me so I will start working again and she can get apartment back (God knows she is planning to give it other friends now who is pregnant and living in small space)..

    I am just not sure about this woman.. She is trying to rule her decisions on me and bitching about me is different story.
    I respected her till now, but I'm now losing respect for her.
    She says negative things about everyone, it's not just me or neighbour or relatives or her husband and list goes on..
    I had headache for week after she left..
    I have to entertain her out of obligation.

    What do you think about her behaviour? She is just one frustrated old lady or she wants to boss around since she is seeing me as soft target here.
     
    Loading...

  2. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,817
    Likes Received:
    6,104
    Trophy Points:
    455
    Gender:
    Male
    :hello:Had I been you, I would just take a printout of the post and “drop it in her letter box” and it would be of interest to await reactions. Let it be anonymous.
    The head-ache from you stands transferred to her & you turn Cool.

    I shall not try to decode or fathom reason for her “present behaviour” or “ whether she does all this out of frustration”. It i deem unnecessary.

    If this fails , be blunt and firm and call spade a spade. Of course do this politely and decently showing reverence to her! That is the trick. It will work wonders. A huge load will be off your chest & mind would turn free and light.

    God Bless.
     
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2020
    iman, Sinant and mohini16 like this.
  3. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    631
    Likes Received:
    635
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Start looking for another apartment. Tell that lady clearly they you want your privacy and freedom. Don’t take any favors from anyone.
     
  4. AppuMom

    AppuMom Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    163
    Likes Received:
    213
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    If possible move bit far from this place.In that way you can still have phone communication with her but no frequent visits.
     
  5. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,886
    Likes Received:
    5,384
    Trophy Points:
    425
    Gender:
    Female
    It’s time for you to move out from that apartment.
     
  6. mohini16

    mohini16 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    170
    Likes Received:
    126
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    so is it all just about apartment ?
    when she is commenting about how i am going to lead my personal life ? I will not be getting married and she believes i will be staying with my daughter for life ..
     
  7. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    910
    Likes Received:
    1,342
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Op,
    a very weird aunty in your life!
    BTW how are you managing without working and a toddler?
    IMO, if you are managing okay, then no need to go back to work asap. Wait till you feel comfortable. Even till she is three, to go back full time. When you are ready, send her part time - post covid ofcourse.
    Now, Aunty is feeling entitled! What do to about her?! Well...do nothing, she providing some mental stimulation to you without being pervert or stealing from your room etc, let her stay in her life. She will give you the feeling of nosy relative. We all need some mental stimulation, even if it is a tiny bit of bad stress.
    Some of the things she pointed out are important. With little children, it is hard to keep a clean house, but that keeps adding up and it might become unsurmountable (think pests etc). It is advisable to keep a clean floor and kitchen especially if you are in apartment, because there the pest problem is more. I do not want to hurt you, in anyway. If you cannot maintain the carpets, ask aunty to put floors (after your dd is 3 orelse they fall a lot).
    Table cloth etc might brighten up the indoors- she might have said thing more about her own mood.
    The marriage comment might be coming from 'girl child safety', which was a huge concern in previous generation, so much so that boy-child-safety, was ignored.
    Aunty is not getting ample time to talk "freely" with her children, so she comes to you!
    Let her stay in your life, just push back a little. Do not leave the apartment, you have the support of the neighbor, you know the location, even little bit helps to take a new mother. Don't leave the familiar place till your child is 5- going to kindergarten.
     
    Ramyarc, mohini16, SCA and 1 other person like this.
  8. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,817
    Likes Received:
    6,104
    Trophy Points:
    455
    Gender:
    Male
    @hermitcrab
    :hello:
    Kudos to you. That is 360 degree view indeed. Like a peaceful counsellor with a view to avoid repercussions of any kind.
    Thanks and Regards.
     
  9. mohini16

    mohini16 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    170
    Likes Received:
    126
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Best advice I received!!

    I don't want to sign new lease again, I'm planning to buy house..

    I give respect to this aunty and I ask her question about child care but she is getting on my nerves now as she is thinking it's her right..
    She is again coming next week saying I will spend whole day there with baby.. And I am going to run this time, will make excuse. I can't spend my day with her and take headache.
    As soon as she enters house, she will start bitching about her husband, her niece, her neighbour and so on, not one person left she hasn't left...
    same thing she does with me, she will goto her house and start bitching about me to everyone.
    It is very negative behaviour and its affecting me.. ‍♀️‍♀️
     
  10. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,886
    Likes Received:
    5,384
    Trophy Points:
    425
    Gender:
    Female
    It’s obvious that she feels you are making money out of it. It’s could also be her way of asking you to move out of that home since you are renting all the rooms!!
     

Share This Page