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Extremely Distressing And Humiliating Behavior By Husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Moonlight89, Jun 8, 2022.

  1. Moonlight89

    Moonlight89 Senior IL'ite

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    DDream right now I don't want to reconcile because I can see myself recovering emotionally and physically living separately although I wont lie It can be difficult at times. And no although sometimes he loosely mentions reconciliation but without any firm mention of him apologizing of feeling sorry for his behavior. I just pray to God that I heal emotionally and physically completely and that my temptation to reconcile with him decreases because I don't want to become a sorry state of a woman tolerating his affairs and his and his family's verbal abuse and degradation who was losing her mental sanity and health just to avoid my fear of being alone/divorced etc
     
  2. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Looks like you know the path to follow. Great.Its important to heal from abuse and have a healthy mindset. Once you are there, you will not have any confusion on what to do next. Don't compromise for anything you are not comfortable with. Evenif you are seperated, he can still be in your daughters life as a good father if he wants to. Also, your strenth and determination to not any emotional abuse/infidelity definitly help your daughters too. Wishing you a great life ahead.
    Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2022
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  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Sorry dear, I've just seen the tag.

    Kindly explain, what is the benefit your kids will have if you chose to stay in a toxic marriage?
    Being a doctor, you know well about the amount of stress you are taking in this marriage, and how that can affect your emotional & physical health.
    Kids, especially young kids need their mother. An energetic, happy & a well balanced mother is a gift to any kid. If that mother can support the family financially in situations like yours, that would be a blessing to the kids.
    Depriving kids from having such blessings by slowly killing yourself, and loosing your self esteem isn't worth a marriage card. Kids want happy family. Not a dysfunctional family where both parents fight everyday.

    This is not normal.
    You are not a model, but a mother. You can't control certain bodily changes after motherhood. No sane husband will comment on his wife's bodily changes after delivery. This needs time, and sincere effort. For some, the body comes back to pre pregnancy shape. For many, it never comes back to the original shape.
    There are many reasons. As a doctor, you must know how hormones & stress could play foul here.
    As we age, it is very common to put on weight, lose the the shape, the skin changes, hair loss & everything. But as couple we should be comfortable with each other.


    Many woman love being married for the society's sake, and not for their own wish or for the love they have for their partner. This is wrong.

    What is your husband doing?
    If his profession is not par with yours, there is a slight chance of being insecure, and inferior about the equation.
    His society, family & friends should also be blamed here if they are the ones creating inferiority in his mind.

    Men usually feel insecure if their wives have better career. To restore their power, and to ensure superiority they try to put their wives down by negatively commenting on their looks & other core qualities such as parenting, house-keeping skills etc..
    This way, they feel powerful. It is a psychological game.

    Nevertheless, being a doctor isn't your fault, if that has affected your H in anyways.

    If I were you, I would continue to stay with my parents until my kids grow big and manage themselves independently.
    If staying with parents cause unwanted troubles, move out & look for support outside (day care centers, nanny, maid etc..)
    Work hard and be self dependent.

    The moment you chose to be on your own, and feel powerful, everything else will fall in the right place.

    Don't worry.
     
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  4. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello OP,
    Yes you are correct. His behavior is not normal. He needs to explain himself and reason behind this behavior. I feel it’s important to tell you this explicitly. Since you have come out of home now you will be constantly bombarded with messages minimizing his bad behavior, ‘it’s okay’ ‘all husbands are like this’ and ‘just deal with it.’

    it’s great you are already feeling better. Continue on this track. As far as reconciling with him goes- it took so many years for situation to reach this point. Just 1-2 weeks or one month separation will not magically fix it. Your husband and your in- laws are now under social pressure. As long as you were with him they did and said what they wanted. Your husband hid his true problems by blaming and abusing you and his mom and sis also followed suit.

    But now situation is changed. Now people will ask what happened. Why she left. They can’t hide so easily. And they will be forced to give explanations. And it’s one thing to believe some nonsense but when you are forced to explain it to a third party is when the illogic becomes clear. Thus finally they will be for forced to confront the reality. That the problem was with their son all along. Hopefully this will force your husband to be honest about what is really going on. Whether it is ema or something else.

    OP, there is no point dealing with him or his family until and unless they are open and honest about the problem and it’s solution. I can see clearly from your account that even you don’t know why he blames and abuses you. So till all this becomes clear, and only after they are ready to be honest and admit to their share in the problem should you even think about having a discussion about going back. Till then just stay out, hopefully you have enough support from your family and resources to take care of yourself and your daughters.
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2022
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  5. kavikuyil

    kavikuyil Bronze IL'ite

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    I think it’s very important you consult a lawyer. And also document every abuse you have gone through - verbal abuse is still abuse, emotional abuse need to be documented as well. Did he do financial abuse? Take money and control your money .. add all that .. goto lawyer and understand your options ..

    There’s no point in asking him to explain .. waste of time! He’s a narcissistic jerk. Let him live with his nasty self plus whoever the hell he wants.

    Think it’s good riddance of bad rubbish and move on with your life. Your kids will have a happier mother and learn from u instead of thinking it’s a womens role to put up with this crap.
     
  6. Moonlight89

    Moonlight89 Senior IL'ite

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    To update the situation further, after a few months of separation I told him that I don't want to be with him. Then he apologized profusely and said the other life thing was a way to motivate me to look better and he can't think of life without me and kids. He also said he won't be abusive and will treat me well as he doesn't want this marriage to end.
    But after the trauma I have gone through I am finding it very difficult to trust him. Especially due to his verbal abuse involving gaalis in past and he also had become physically abusive a few times. But he is promising not to do it again and be good to us.
    So I am not sure what to do( I kinda believe the other life thing as there really seems to be no one else in his life) but I am finding it very difficult to trust him and give him another chance. But 2 kids are involved and he has been a relatively good father. Everyone please advise. I am very confused.
    SGBV please reply. Currently I am healing mentally and physically( health problems had developed)
     
  7. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

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    I don't want to sound negative, but he will definitely become his original self after few months. You can't change the intrinsic nature of a person.

    I am also stuck in somewhat similar situation. Married life with such folks is very difficult. Either you leave or adjust with such people. No middle path. Period.
     
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  8. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    If you are already separated and feeling better then wait and watch. If you go back he will repeat abuse again. I am telling you from my own experience. Try to take good child support and rebuild your life. Focus on your health. If you really want to give me another chance put strong conditions like treating you with respect, more support in housework, childcare etc.
     
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  9. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    what does this mean. motivate you. this is really annoying. tomorrow for argument sake if he has some accident or something, where he cannot be physically close to you. does that mean you get a right to sleep with anyone in the house or insult him.

    child birth takes a toll on women. if he wanted on slick wife, why does he need children. lot of couples opt for no kids. it is totally fine.

    you must prioritize your physical and mental health first. then career for self confidence and financial confidence and for kids.

    then decide further.
     
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  10. lakshmi888

    lakshmi888 Silver IL'ite

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    OP, be very very careful in trusting an emotionally or physically abusive husband as things may escalate once you go back to an abusive spouse or if 1 stays with an abusive spouse, the emotional or physical abuse can lower the mental ability to think what is the right step to take …


    .. please look into the desi woman called Kaur case in New York where she committed suicide after 8 years of abuse by husband as she was continuing in an abusive marriage because of her 2 kids n she posted video of her husband abusing her badly again in their New York house after which she Committed suicide !!… it’s in news since few days all over in northern india n US…


    it’s the repeat of few cases like gujju case, Telugu cases where desi husbands in US killed their own wives after abuse of years or abused them so much that the abused wife committed suicide ..STILL the abused women don’t learn from these repititive bad cases

    Bearing Too much abuse makes one mentally weak perhaps so some of these wives commit suicide after bearing husband’s abuse for many years..

    also cheaters or abusers never change ..,once a Cheater or abuser , always the cheater / abuser as the saying goes in English ..

    Think properly about any decision in case of an abusive husband as staying with abusive husband may be dangerous for mental or physical health
     
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2022
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