Extra marital relationships

Cheeniya · Mar 7, 2012

Dear Viswa
This is not a question of right or wrong. Who are we to sit on judgment over such people as we do not know what compelling reasons they may have had? I'll not take such an extreme position that whatever be the reason, such people ought to be shot dead. I have seen any number of couples who are plagued by extreme incompatibility being faithful to each other. I have also seen couples developing 'external relationship' for the heck of it for no reason whatsoever. We can't just dismiss it as a 'biological aberration'. But it is my firm view that a lot of sacrifices are called for in keeping the family cohesive for the sake of children and the family honour.
Sri

iyerviji · Sep 29, 2012

My dear Anna thought provoking post about which I have also thought over. Like Malathy has mentioned though a couple may have different tastes if they have love for eachother then no problem. Between me and my dh also our interests are different but we have lived happily for 39 years. Glad that we will be completing 40 years of married life next year.

I feel a man and a woman married to another person can be friendly if they have the same tastes. Why should we mistake their friendship. But in India people see them in a wrong way only. In present age a man and a woman work together and they are together for many hours and start liking each other. That need not end in marriage. They can be good friends. Hope I have not written anything wrong. As long as they are faithful to their better half and they understand them there is no problem .

Cheeniya · Sep 29, 2012

My dear Viji
Even the purest of relationship between a man and woman is liable to be seen with jaundiced eyes if they are married but not to each other. There can be so many reasons for this general antipathy towards such friendship which most people consider as promiscuous. I have no opinion to offer on such views. It is all perhaps due to the fact that a large number of people take such friendship to where it should not be taken, every one becomes a suspect.

Our conscience must be clear and more importantly our life partner should take it in the right spirit. Others' opinions hardly matter.
Sri

shyamala1234 · Sep 30, 2012

Dear Sri,

EMA happens....how and why no one knows., even the two people involved in it. A man and woman both are involved in it. He and she both have families. There is no logic or reason for an EMA. It just happens. We are trying to analyse it in terms of compatibility, unhappiness with spouse or any other reason. But the final picture that emerges is nobody is ready to exchange it with stablility, security, children of family life.(those who have taken that step are very very rare, at least in our country) The family life may not be romantic enough, may be drab and boring without any thrills as in honeymoon days but still nobody is ready to forgo it. Better to keep the mind in control and not get involved in EMA however tempting it may be.

Syamala

Cheeniya · Sep 30, 2012

Dear Syamala
As a man who will shortly be into the 46th year of his married life, I cannot agree with you more on this. As we grow older, the family values add greater lustre and respect to our existence. In marriages and other auspicious functions, the respect an aged couple commands is only seen to be believed. Even the follies of youth are glossed over when a husband and wife stick to each other faithfully till their very end. You have made a very valid point about EMA. The concerned people may try to justify it by giving a hundred reasons but still it will all be very illogical. If it is drilled to the barest reason, it will only turn out to be purely carnal.

In the evening of my life, I am only thankful to God that I have been able to stay clear of all temptations!
Sri

rgsrinivasan · Oct 1, 2012

One of the many "yet to decide what made it happen in the first place", kind Cheeniya Sir. Be it lust of satisfaction of ego or the like-mindedness, we never know. And going by the spiritual standards, one need not actually make it to happen. To think itself is enough! I leave it at that. Besides, its better to adopt a simple principle - "Don't do something now which you will regret later!". The best defense argument to this is: "How do I know if I would regret it or not later?". But in case of EMA, we all know for sure, that it leads only to that. -rgs

Cheeniya · Oct 1, 2012

I totally agree with you RGS.
I feel very sorry for those who fall into this trap, particularly when they have children. When EMA happens among illiterates and lower class people, they do not even hesitate to murder their own children if they consider them as hindrance. Among the elite, a classic example is the owner of a famous hotel chain who is paying a very heavy price for this aberration. If a man cannot rein in his own temptations and feelings, what is the use of all his success in life?
Sri

PriyaKathiravan · Oct 2, 2012

Extra Marital Affairs are neither “wrong” nor “right”. They just happen , like a fact of life . EMA is an event that takes different characters and meanings in different variants of time and space.

Man is polygamous by Nature, civilised into Monogamy by man-made codes of single-partner fidelity in order to facilitate smooth functioning of Society. This present society. A Yuga-wise reading of our epics will show an interesting evolution in the consorting arrangements of our progenitors : from unbridled abandon to polygamy to monogamy .

Multi Partnering ( either by polygamy or by having concubines) was accepted without comment in our country till about early 20<sup>th</sup> century. It was alright then for a man to have extra marital affairs . People were not hounded for it. Perhaps that’s why the EMA-ing parties dint feel the need to resort to killing spouses and children to indulge in their lust.

( We still have some prominent personages in bigamous alliances today and what is bigamy but varnished EMA ? When the “affected” parties are unaffected, even the law is powerless to intervene. )

If Good Husbands today are “sacrificing” much, bravely “resisting temptations galore” to stay eka-patni-vratans , the larger incentive for such fidelity is Financial/ Economic , a sizable deterrant is societal censure , only a small percentage is due to enduring love or reluctance to disturb comfort zones. Given blanket immunity ( legal, societal, religious ), few will take the trouble to resist temptation.

I don’t see the Sindhu Bhairavi hero as someone pushed into EMA solely because of intellectual fulfilment. That was just an excuse for his very physical lust. That the director cast a tub of lard as the wife against a slim and sculpted young rasigai is a very pertinent pointer. Would our Hero have “vazhukki vizha”-fied in a scenario of reverse casting of the same ladies ? Or , if the knowledgeable rasigai had been a 60 year old Mylapore Mami , say Vadivukkarasi ?

[FONT=&quot]It has been repeatedly researched and proved that Sex is the foremost thought/instinct in a male mind. Lets not wallow in Victorian prudery and act piously indignant about it. Its biology, chemistry and physics . Lets accept it without revulsion. A purely platonic relationship is definitely possible between a healthy male and an attractive female , but its solely their intelligence , discretion and caution that keeps them from stepping over the lines drawn by the society they live in. I don’t buy the argument that carnal desire never arises in them[/FONT]

Cheeniya · Oct 2, 2012

My dear Priya
After reading your take on the subject, I went through all the replies that I received to my OP since I posted it some five and a half years back. What is most surprising is that no one took a prudish view of this! I was actually a bit apprehensive of posting it in a predominantly women’s forum and I had to be extremely careful in expressing my views. Most of the participants in this discussion were able to take a balanced view and did not look at it as right or wrong. Some have gone to the extent of saying that it was just one of those things and trying to find a reason or justification for it is what makes it laughable!

We have not gone into EMA’s historical perspective and now that you have mentioned it, I also find it extremely interesting how our views have become sterner over the yugas. At the start of mankind’s recorded history, polygamy and polyandry were rampant. Procreation was said to be the main reason for this ‘unbridled polygamy’. Legend has it that the famous king Karthaveeryarjuna stopped the flow of Yamuna to indulge in water sports with his numerous wives. Kings waged wars on neighboring nations not only to annexe the nations but to annexe the pretty daughters of their kings too! Sometimes the lowlier Kings offered their daughters to the mightier ones to ensure peace and safety for themselves. So having numerous wives was considered a status symbol. This was probably the first case of ‘Owner’s pride, neighbor’s envy’!

Even till a couple of generations back, having concubines was regarded as a status symbol. If they were decked with diamonds, it further enhanced the status of the old man! Economic compulsions started robbing the charm of such excessive indulgence and making both ends meet took precedence over everything else. The point that you have raised about enduring love being at the root of marital fidelity is surely a subject matter of hot debate at a time when chastity is being defined as lack of opportunity. Your point that Suhasini steeling a march over Sulakshna in Sindhu Bairavi may not have arisen at all if Suhasini was a Vadivukkarasi in disguise is well taken!

I cannot find better words than your concluding para for summing this up!
Sri

Barnowl · Oct 2, 2012

Dear Cheeniya sir ji.. Just came across your sub-forum after reading thru Varalotti sir's posts.

Haven't read all posts in this thread except yours.

The only reaction i had/have to sindhu bhairavi was/is - dear! Oh dear! Lousy movie.

I think this movie's message is something like caveat emptor -- " Beware! You want to stray? You might get stuck with someone like suhasini/shivakumar" !!

You've written divorces are rare and people remain stuck with their partners. Maybe that was true when this film was made, but no longer these days. Divorce seems to be a better and less selfish option than EMA flings. Atleast, 2 other people don't end up hurt, imo.