Extra marital relationships

Cheeniya · May 17, 2007

Dear Sathya
nam vaazhkayil nerathavarai...
swarasyame........!!!
Idhu mattumalla, pala anubavangal idhey vagaithan!
Sri

Cheeniya · Jul 11, 2007

Dear Ravina
When we talk of extra marital relationships, it involves both man and woman. Like they say that noise can be made only if both hands strike each other! Who starts the EMR and who succumbs to it is always debatable. It is always presumed that only the male of the species initiates it but I know of cases where it has been the other way!
At least in India, I know for sure that men who wish to have fun always target women who might have bad relationship with their husbands and are quite vocal about it. These men enter the scene offering sympathy and slowly becoming an integral part of the lives of such women through words and actions that offer these vulnerable women a lot of emotional relief. The rest is known to everyone.
Who would you blame here? The husband who treats his wife badly? The wife who is very vocal about her conjugal problems? or the slimy man who takes advantage of the situation?
Sri

Cheeniya · Jul 15, 2007

Dear Raveena
Do I make extra marital relationship sound like an antidote to a bored married life? That was not my intention though I find the suggestion interesting!:mrgreen:
Sri

Kamalji · Sep 9, 2007

Sri,

Smartly u leave the readers to make their own choice eh !Smart move.

Well what u say is true in most marriages.Given a chance, and the thought of not being caught,many men would have a second thrid and fourth wife and girlfriends.:x

Like they say "I AM A SAINT BY CICUMSTANCES, NOT BY CHOICE "The fear of getting caught keeps many people faithful.

Great one sri.Regards.kamal

Cheeniya · Sep 9, 2007

Dear Kamalji
Can there be a tailor made solution for such a problem which finds a place even in the Old Testament? Vedas prescribe highly deterrent punishment for various forms of adultery. All these point out to the fact that this is not a modern vice but is as old as mankind itself. But it is significant that no religion endorses it or treats it lightly and there lies the answer.

People say that chastity is only lack of opportunity. People who do not get such an opportunity remaining chaste is not a big deal but those who do get such opportunities and yet shy away from it for whatever reason are the ones to emulate!
Sri

Kamalji · Sep 10, 2007

Yes sri, i agree with waht u say.

Something similar to having whiskey in yr bar and not drinking,or having pots of money but not flaunting it.Very true.Regards.kamal

uncannybal · Aug 5, 2008

Sir

The comments on this post are as interesting as the post itself.

One of the things that has intrigued me is the concept of compatibility.

I so often find that i get along so well with some people and so little with others

So i am of the firm belief that this concept of compatiblity exists and is an essential part of life

If it exists then the chances of a person having a happy marriage is dependent on his finding a 'compatible' partner.

This brings us to our system of finding the 'right' person to marry. The arranged marriage system is so random in its method of choosing a bride/bridegroom. It is definitely quite prone to error

So what happens in case of 'error'?

Then there is the next life I guess ! Maybe this is the reason we have such tolerance and so little divorce in India

When i was in US i had this Russian couple who were my neighbors and they became very good friends. I once told the lady that the divorce rate in India is very low. And i also told her that most marriages are arranged

She was so shocked. In such a random system there is hardly any divorce ? she exclaimed ! What do u people do then? Is cheating common?

What exactly is this 'compatiblility' that everyone talks about?

I have come to believe that compatiblility means there is less of adjustment.

If there is a lot of adjustment to be made then the couple are not that compatible.

And usually the adjustment is made by one person in the relationship

But is that one person who does most of the adjustment doing the other partner a favor?

I read an interview with Jack Welsh the CEO of GE where he justified firing employees

I have a duty to my employees, he said. If they are with me and have not found their true talent then i firmly believe they are in the wrong place. And to make them continue here and stagnate would be a travesty on my part. When I see an employee with little interest in his work and underperforming, the kindest thing i could do is to let him go. Then he can go and find what he truly wants which would be his true calling, elsewhere. If I hold on to him I would be stunting his growth !

Maybe it is similar in relationships.

If a husband is ill treating his wife, does it not mean that he is unhappy with his marriage since it is bringing out the worst in that man?

In that case, is the adjusting wife who forgives him, doing him any favor? Would he not be better off if she released him to go find what he is truly looking for?

And shouldint she search for someone she could make happier and bring out the best in him and her? And have a relaionship where both are growing emotionally and intelectually? After all does not a relationship have to be beneficial to both partners?

I wrote in my blog 'Is Marriage Necessary' that there should be a trial period of three years so people can check their compatibility levels

In todays world quality is everywhere. People look for quality of life, quality time...

There is so little time to enjoy a relationship in the 'hurry bury' world of today

What is the use of stunting your partner by 'over adjustment'

If your partner is not compatible, try everything possible for three years.

Then let go

Both of you may end up happier with a new partner

Life is short

But for heavens sake dont have kids till you are sure of your compatiblility with your partner

But if you have a happy marriage, not only are both of u growing emotionally and intellecually but your happiness will be witnessed by your children.

And they will learn that relationships are fun and make life better

And they will not think that relationships are tiresome affairs. And involve one adjustment after another making one or both partners apathetic or miserable

Santosh
PS Sorry for the 'over extended' comment. I got a little carried away !

Cheeniya · Aug 6, 2008

Dear Santosh
I am happy for your 'over extended comment' I read through the whole comment very carefully because it deserved nothing less than rapt attention. It is an argument that is very difficult to fault. It is a very rationalistic approach too. What Jack Welsh said of firing people would apply mutatis mutandis to conjugal relationship too but would it be possible in the latter?

Compatibility means that there is less need for adjustment. People who are highly compatible do not need to compromise on their avowed principles or concept of life-style to suit the convenience of the other. As a corollary, people who are very flexible and who can compromise very easily may not even know the spelling of compatibility. Looking at the high success rate of Indian marriages, despite being mostly arranged ones, we can only conclude that we have the greatest skill to compromise.

I agree with you that it is invariably one person who does all the adjustment while the other enjoys the luxury of other's compromises and more often than not, it is the female partner who gives in usually. There are exceptional cases where both vie with each other in compromising for the other as the couple in O.Henry’s famous short story ‘The Gift of Magi’

I think that it is not entirely right to presuppose that all husbands who ill-treat their wives are unhappy with their marriages per se`. It is an over simplistic view of boorish partners. I am talking here purely of Indian marriages where I have witnessed such boorish behaviour for no reason whatsoever. It is amazing that the institution of Indian marriage has survived all such intense aberrations for hundreds of years. If we take a closer look at this phenomenon, we may understand that, unlike in the west, children play the foundation of the edifice of successful marriage. The family bonding is strengthened by the presence of children and it is because of this reason that divorces are less common in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1:country-region><st1lace>India</st1lace></st1:country-region>.

On the question of compatibility again, I have often observed that the couples of an arranged marriage find it easier to compromise probably because they take the plunge into unknown waters and are prepared for any eventuality. In love marriages, incompatibilities never arise during the period of wooing when love reigns supreme and obscures the view of all other things. But when incompatibilities surface after marriage, the partners are shocked by them and feel even cheated. Their ability to take a benevolent view of others’ faults or shortcomings gets totally diminished and this may end in a total fiasco.

I must thank you for your wonderful FB, Santosh. I too got carried away by it!
Sri

Kamalji · Aug 8, 2008

Dear Sri,

Great one.BAlu Mahendru is the same guy who used to wear a cap always is it ?

Well see , my wife does don’t care about my blogs, she thinks they are a waste of time.So u man to say Sri, that if a female blogger, (and there should be many pretty ones here and there), who falls for my blogs, and says every now and then “ Wah Kamalji,Wah” (something like that Ad of Taj Mahal Tea ), then I can be justified to , ahem , u know what ? HAHA.

Now u answer me.Regards.kamal

Sriniketan · Aug 8, 2008

Cheeniya Sir,
We all had learnt that 'opposite sides attract each other' and I think this same applies to marriage too...
I too understand that too much of opposites cannot attract...
I hope in both the cases...the first wives didn't nag them being a musician and a director...Rant
Moreover my point is 'why marry in the first place, if you saw lack of interest in your field by the would-be bride?'
The next one is ..if one meets like-interested party...let them be their fans.:idea

sriniketan