Extra marital relationships

Dear Cheeniya,

A serious piece with links to stark reality! i had to put my thiking cap on and read it twice.

I enjoyed Sindhu Bhairavai though the climax and the subsequent sequel Sahana were appalling. I grew up watching a fairy tale real life romance between my parents. They seemed to enjoy and do everything the other liked or wanted to do. In my youthful foolishness, I assumed that all couples are the same. Many years later and many years of marriage later- I realise that a happy marriage is learning to like some things together, and to accept not liking some things together.

But an EMA is never an answer to the dilemma of marital in compatability. Marriage is one relationship where one has to progress only vertically, branching out laterally leads to a mess. Upsetting the moral apple cart only leads to societal, familial and personal decay. Having said that, we must accept that the definition of EMAs have changed drastically over the years. My great gran was widowed at 23 years. She remained faithful to her husband by not even stepping out of the kitchen for the next 20+ years. I believed her when she said that she could not even think of another man in her husband's place. Does todays woman define fidelity like this?

Even today, bound by love for our husbands,tied by Indian cultureand tradition and if I may be candid- constrained by lack of opportunity- many disgruntled wives do not have an EMA. But with the spread of cyber society, what about the chat buddies that men and woman tend to have? Is that also not a breach of marital vows?

To answer your final question- do these rebels need to be pitied etc? My answer is they need to be tolarated provided it is not your spouse that they are carrying on with.

A serious piece indeed and very well written.

 

Dear Cheeniya,

Yesterday, i was the first starting on my FB....in between my keyboard conked off.....maybe i was not to post the FB.....(managed to convince my hubby that i need a new keyboard urgently and am sitting at it gleefully!)

But i had started off on a different note yesterday....having lived here for long i did want to say that we have to accept and maybe emphatise with anyone(if tey are friends or near to us!) who is in an EMRor wondering about the rights or wrongs.
In this context i think no one gives a moral right to us to judge others or as a society condemn this......it is again left to each one! Okay coming from an indian background i also felt very righteous , but onver the years my mind has broadened enough to accept the lives and woes of everyone.............
I agree to what Vidhya has said in Varalotti's thread......for a different reason!
Finally who are we mere mortals to judge and crucify?

Also i agree on the last note that as long as no physical involvement is there, we can definetely have healthy discussions with the other gender.....and no one should condemn such relationships too! All said and done, all this is so subjective, and changes as we grow older, or like me having shifted to a different cultural background....there seems to be nothing Right or Wrong....it is all in our minds! isn't it?:roll:

 

Dear Sri,

Each of us live a double life - one in reality and one in fantasy!!

May be, by assisting others in immoral affairs, a person is living his fantasy by indulging in the cheap thrill of abetting a crime at the same time absolving himself of the actual guilt. :yes:

 

My stand has always been & will always be "who are we to judge another"... to each is his/her own!! Life is never black & white & has more grey areas than we care to admit.

Now having said that doesn't mean that I'd actively encourage EMR. Unfortunately our patriachial society has encouraged men & has had more stringent scales to measure a woman. So has the age-old custom of marrying a person only by star-matching. But now things are changing for better or for worse & one of the outcomes of this is matching partners based on their intellectual & emotional wavelengths too. More people are becoming aware of this fact & incorporating this even in "arranged marriages". May be the newer generation of women don't want to work as hard as they used to in order to make the relationship work or may be the partners' tolerance is going down. Whatever the reason may be, it still is a "crime" to arrange marriages between incompatible people. One should start with atleast some amount of compatibility then its easier to give some & take some.

From personal life I can tell you that although ours has been an arranged marriage, we started with the mindset that we'll each take a step towards each other to meet in the middle. I know sometimes one takes more than 2 steps in the other's direction but then again ain't life all about give n' take. It is relatively difficult to compromise as we age but I think its possible if given the right start. We have learnt to like the other's likes but at the same time we have our own individual likes n' dislikes... after all we all need to have our own identities too. We should maintain our friends even after marriage which seems to be extremely rare from the wife's side. We all need our support group & we derive various functions from our social structure... marriage doesn't not entitle total abandonment of all other relatives. May be this abandonment & serving for the spouse/kids makes one's life so banal that they need to spice up their lives to remind them that they are still alive.

If we all can take the right amounts of every relationship & remember to 'live' our life & not barely survive then may be there won't be a need for EMRs.

 

EMR...right or wrong...a simple question, but a tricky one! Let me start by answering the question first...It is wrong!

If extra-marital affairs were right, why would there be a question about it. Which ever way you analyze it and dissect it, the resulting findings will show only a negative answer.

You talk about Sindhu Bhairavi...it is restricted to a certain S Indian background where the characters are shown as quite orthodox and conforming to their social backgrounds. In the same movie, the girl is born out of wedlock to her mother, who is now a respectable housewife and suffers from huge guilt pangs. That was the only poetic justice to balance off the hero's injustice to his wife of many years...if one can see it with those cynical eyes of mine All in all, I could not see any justification for this love affair, a point that KB tried to make in a very feeble way. Something went totally wrong, the thinking was not right. If the love was so all consuming, why did it end with a 'baby' which balances off the singer's lack as his wife could not conceive and why would the girl walk off after causing so much havoc in all their lives. Okay, it was just a film, the logic a bit lop sided.( sorry KB fans).

Another irritating movie was Kabhie Alvida Na Kehna. Here, you cannot even argue as to why the two main couples in the movie don't gel together. The point the director was trying to make is that marriages can go wrong and it is possible that your wife/hubby may not be your soulmate and if and when you find one, you can dump the marriage. New movie, changed times! Harsh as it sounds, I tend to agree with this young director's views because if the marriage is not working and one has found his/her true love, at least make a clean cut and relieve every one of their misery.

In reality, a break up of marriage is very sad and all involved are bound to be hurt. In India at least, the erring partner is mostly the man. The wife stays put in her miserable place because of economics and society. Also, because she is the all sacrificing Indian woman. I feel the times are changing now. With the advent of education, the woman has become more assertive and will not bear it if ill treated. I cannot understand the psyche of a woman who agrees to share her husband with another, be it her own sister. (even I knew a family that had this strange equation).

That a huge number of such marriages exist in India, where the man may have as many affairs as he wants and the wife and family still respect him and accept him as the head of the family is a reflection upon our society, without my adding any more adjectives to it. Sad.

Temptations are bound to happen. But it is up to each responsible partner to see that they do not succumb to it. When children are involved, some of your own likes and dislikes must take a back seat. After all, you did bring those children into your lives. Now pull up those socks and behave.

L, Kamla

 

Dear Sri,
The subject of EMA, seems to be "highly combustible" - I am tempted to dwell further !

Now a days, platonic relationship is so much talked about ! What is that actually ? With the present day facilities of chat, e-mail etc, "platonic" holds good only, so long as the persons concerned do not meet in person. When the two have become emotionally so close, how can a physical intimacy be ruled out at all, when they meet ? Will not the dam burst inevitably ?

Perhaps, if one has overcome "fear", he or she will accept it as a natural sequence. The same may be the case with persons who have finished their main resposibilities towards family in life. They may feel, that they have reached a stage when they can occasionally indulge in allowing
their hearts to rule their head.

I would go to the extent of saying that one can never safely assume that he or she is much past the prime of life & the associated emotions. So long as you have a heart, emotions like love & sex are bound to disturb you and it is essential to make up your mind on these issues, before indulging in EMA. Very often, does not even a casual hug or a sweet endearment from the opposite sex, disturb your hormones? - are we such puritans? I still feel this is where our values of Indian society differ vastly from the western values, where this a part of their culture !

My thinking is, the age and stage of life, when one indulges in EMA, makes all the difference !
One is answerable to one's own conscience, which always comes out with the "right" answers and not "convenient" answers ! You are answerable to your own self; only next comes the society.
It is always fear and guilt conscience that makes us come out with a "holier than thou" attitude.
Let us accept that fact honestly.
Sri, do you think, I have taken a New Avatar ? Are there not two sides of every coin?

Love,
Chithra.

 

When a person cannot adjust to their lawful wedded wife who lives on 24*7 basis comming to his home leaving around all those who are related to her since birth and childhood,makes his home spends his money gives him children i do not understand if he can adjust with someone else.
people are running behind mirages
a lady if she cannot get along with her husband can she get along with someone else ?
maybe in the initial stages for one or two months till she /he gets to knw them more deeper they would like them or think they are in love but it wud soon dissapear.
Our marriage system has the fault even today i see marriages taking place even b4 they come to their teens and its only around 30s the actual youth or the intrest in life and love arise in anyone.
We see many aunties involving themselves with school boys in and around 10 and +1 or in their early graduation who are more ready to experiment and many uncles involving with the next door aunties or other ladies in the apartment rt frm their home servant maid . Why is all this ?
Lack of time,paitence and understanding as to wot each other want is the main reason. A little paitence where a husband wud just ask his wife wot she wants or how her day has passed after comming frm his office sharing his days routine wud never allow his wife to think he isnt bothered abt her or she is just a full time unpaid servant working for the family. vice versa if the wife would be soft enough closing her tv channels and her gossips with the next households take little care about herself and her behaviour with her husband he would not think of other ladies.
Extra marial relation ships just dont happen definetly there is dissatisfaction in either of the spouses or both of them also.
nowadays all are v clever they want to enjoy their life in their own way wife if she is not happy with her husband finds it as a reason and has an EMR but also wants to be in wedlock just ask someone if she is ready to leave her hus for tht or a man who wants to leave his wife for the sake of EMR NO they want to be in wedlock bcz it matters with their kids, money their name and fame in the society . When one person cannot openly have a relation why shd they mingle with it?

 

Dear cheeniya sir,
A realistic imaginary situation.In the early days,there goes the sayings like "Marriages are made in heaven".That is marriage is highly taking risk.We cannot expect the same qualities we have with the life partner.That is why recently,it becomes a practise ,when bridegroom ,his parents come to see the girl,they allow them to talk separately.When they have compatibility,they can proceed.But still we cannot judge by half an hour or one hour talk.But the basic things can be fulfilled.one frank truth," no two persons of opposite sex can have 100% perfect understanding".If it is,it becomes cinematic.It will take time to get to know abt each other.As it may seem i am deviating out of the topic,the basic fact behind EMA is "foundations are not strong".EMA is not objected but not at the cost of the children's life,or some one's life.There can be green signal to EMA when leding a life with the partner is really a hell,torture.Every individual's feelings are respectable.Though i am not matured enough still good things can be shared.