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Extra Marital Affair /Emotional Attachment of my husband.. Help me what to do??

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by helpme4this, May 6, 2010.

  1. helpme4this

    helpme4this New IL'ite

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    Hello all
    I am quite confused, please help me to come out
    Mine got married before 5 years
    March 2009 got conceived through IVF , so i stayed in India in hospital
    My husband came back to his workplace(Gulf)
    I thought my marriage life is peaceful etc..........
    I am a poor girl, I failed to find out what’s happening around me
    June 2009 he came to India for my bro’s marriage
    That he is ok...............again sep 2009 he had holidays, he came to see me for 3 days
    That time i found 2 SMS in his cellphone, all are romantic messages(from one of his colleague)
    I asked him abt that, he told some stories and convinced me, even me too convinced by him(becoz i trusted him like anything)
    That time i was not in a position to dig more, but a small spark in corner of my heart
    November 2009 I delivered my baby, both were not well and hospitalised for 16 days
    He came after 20 days of delivery, i asked him to buy some stuffs for me and baby from gulf
    H e told he is not time to buy that, but he came with that, i thought he bought in Dutyfree
    He told , his colleague helped him to buy that, i was shocked i didn’t open my mouth that time becoz my MIL and mum were there
    After that i asked him, whether u r in emotional relation with that lady
    Initially he argued much later he admitted he was in emotional relation with that colleague
    According to me whatever physical or emotional infidelity is not forgivable
    He asked sorry , i slapped him all dramas happened
    He told he will stop everything............
    Our parents came to know all this becoz myself discharged from hospital a day back
    For ur baby stay with him for 3 months , give him a chance-----àthis is by my dad
    Becoz i was in a mood to apply for divorce
    i am not ready to accept him, i trusted him but he cheated me
    We lost intimacy, trust ability in our relation
    Myself came back to gulf with my baby, my mil also joined with me
    After i came here i found out they used to go out for dining during weekend and also during office hours
    I found this through gmail chat conversation
    Even his reputation got spoiled in his office becoz of that
    He promised that he will back home on time etc etc
    He is keeping his words too
    He is helping me in house chores, he is taking care of baby etc
    But the problem is i am not able to / ready to forget that incident
    Cheating is cheating
    Just i want to walk out from this mess,
    I am confused; my dad is telling if u finds anything new u come back otherwise stay with him
    What to do?
    Still my anger 2wards him is alive...........
    Whether i have to go to counselling/ he has to go 4 counselling.??U people are better counsellors than private counsellors
    Help me to come out of this extramarital affairs
    (I spoke to that lady on nov 2009 , i asked her wats going on between u people...............I told her if my husband is wrong u have to inform me/slap him/report him................y u gave him a chance?.......... She replied me very nicely, that “ i cant hurt a person, he is my mentor,i like him i too have feelings, Human beings this errors are common....she is also married but her husband is in India....it seems she is ready for any relation )
    he is telling me that we will go to india within 2years
    if we r going back my mind wii changea?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 7, 2010
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  2. subha1

    subha1 New IL'ite

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    Hello,
    In my opinion you should give yourself some time before taking any irrational decision. I can understand that it's not easy to forget your husbands extra marital affair. But if you give yourself some time then at least your anger towards him will reduce, Then maybe you can see whether he is keeping up with his promises.you can also go for counselling. That may help.Its nice that your dad is supporting you.But he also wants you to give your husband a second chance not only for you but for your baby.
     
  3. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    It is indeed sad that your DH had an affair while you were in India having a baby. Nowadays the number of affairs have increased as office friendships develop into something more.
    Are both of them together in the same office even now or has one of them shifted ? This will a chance for your marriage to work.
    If you decide to live together then he has to promise not to fool around again. Your MIL wants the marriage to continue thats why she is with you , but what about your husband ? Will he stay away from women easily available and willing ?
    You can give him a last chance , but trusting him will be difficult.
    Both are married so they are having fun outside marriage. The womans husband may not be knowing what she is doing abroad. Thankfully your father is supporting you.
    Ask him get her shifted to some other office or shift himself.
     
  4. sansmomy

    sansmomy Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear OP.
    You may think that I am taking side of your DH, but my intention is just to show another side of the incident.

    1. It is indeed disheartening for you that he was being emotionally connected to another one while you were struggling with ups and downs of IVF pregancy. But, he might be feeling lonely without you there and hence in that weak state of mind got attracted to the other lady...Again, I am not justifying his act, but would say that consider this as a mistake which happened due to circumstances...

    2. No relation comes with a guruntee label...So, nobody can assure you that this will or wont repeat. However, YOU can only assure yourself with trusting DH one more time especially when he has promised and is keeping the promise (per your post).

    3. You said, you found things thru his mobile and gmail chat. I would say it is not correct to cross-check in somebody else's cell phone or e-mail accounts (even if it is of your spouse). He could have also made an issue out of this (just to side track the original topic and blame you instead). However, he dint do that, may be coz he is already feeling very guilty about his actions.

    I think, your dad is right...give him another chance..we all are humans and learn our lessons thru mistakes....If he is sincerely trying to make up for his mistake (which he has realized) then help him instead of haunting over the past...You have a baby now and you need to concentrate on that too...Work out as a couple and try to revive the lost trust and love in your relationship....

    It is easier to trust him one more time than to keep on watching where he goes wrong again...I know, it is easier said than done, but give it a shot and you will experience inner peace...

    All the best.

    ~S.
     
    Last edited: May 7, 2010
  5. helpme4this

    helpme4this New IL'ite

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    Thanx all for ur replies
    sansmomy,
    Ok, I accept he was alone for a year etc, etc he never realised the thing i was in india becoz of baby....not for anything else
    My concern is what made him to do this?
    Thats my 4th IVF cycle,.........
    Some messages were in my phone...he deleted that in sent items, but he forget to delete that from delivery reports....regarding chat conversation after i came to gulf i asked him to log on his id , i got some doubt(i recieved a anon call abt their relation)
    In India Nov 2009 , he told me that the fault is with him, not that lady,he tried to justify that lady's talk
    But in his mail box i seen some romantic messages from that lady too
    During his India visit also they were on the phone
    I was in a hotel the whole year seeing four walls all the time just to have this baby
    my mum is with me for the whole year
    even i missed my bro's marriage
    For him only i accepted for 3rd and 4th iVF cylce
    My health and career got spoiled
    Ok now i am having my baby
    How he forgot all this?
    Everyone in my parents place suffered during my pregnancy
    Now my MIL back 2 india
    Intially she didnt believe all this, she was simlpy talking abt family's pride etc
    After came here i found her foto,letter in my computer, i shown that to her.
    Still both are working in the same company
    what i have to do?
    Still he has respect 2wards that lady
    I am confused
    sansmomy, he used to scold/shout me now to read that chat conversation
    During delivery time myself and baby were in critical condition, that time too he gave sms to her.....what yaar?
     
  6. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Sorry I cannot digest the explanation given that since the DH was alone he got emotionally involved with his colleague. Couples do stay apart due to various reasons ,it does not give licence to either of them to have an affair.The poor wife is undergoing various painful procedures and the DH is finding solace with his colleague ?? Not done.
    Reading smses or using DH/DWs mobile is not unusaual . Remember they are married.
    When a person has something to hide from his wife it means trouble.
    Why not meet the lady and talk to her alone, let DH do babysitting ?
    Your DH will certainly develop cold feet and maybe the woman will change jobs.
    My friend was in a similar situation and when the lovebirds refused to rein in their feelings she wanted a divorce citing that woman as a co-respondent.Only then did the DH and his lady love decided to spilt.
     

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