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Expert Opinion - Very Complex Situation

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Goahead, Oct 26, 2020.

  1. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    What you are thinking and feeling is not wrong at all. However if you raise the issue it would only end in fights. Husbands behave as such because they clearly believe(like mine) that what they do and say is perfectly right! It is very very disturbing that we have to keep quiet just to maintain peace in the family. Even if u argue and ask your brother to break journey at your place, he will clearly be not welcome and would be felt by him . Just for an overnight stay and for such a valid reason, him making an issue is very hard to digest. I can very well understand your situation having been through similar issues umpteen times and having to let go, for the sake of peace!. Take care, and see how best you can handle the same. It would be the best for your brother to take a direct flight with all due precautions.
     
  2. chanchitra

    chanchitra Silver IL'ite

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    Why should your husband dictate ur brother to drive, if he is not going to help out.
    Your brother should decide whether to fly or drive.
    Flying should be safer now.
     
    candidheart and shravs3 like this.
  3. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    I was also thinking that if it's not a long flight flying would be safe with all precautions taken.. .if the brother chooses to drive he can be accommodated and self quarantined overnight in separate room with washroom attached and food provided..
     
    nakshatra1 likes this.
  4. funbee

    funbee Silver IL'ite

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    Hi, I agree with other ladies , if you are not going to help your brother why bother to tell him to drive. Flying is safe now, don't get stressed out. it is not worth the fight , even if you win the fight and let your brother come and stay at your house for a night, you think everything will be alright? There may be another fight after that, so at this time you should convince yourself to tell your brother to manage everything by himself and be happy for your sister and the new born.
     
  5. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Your DH is not paying for the flight tickets so he definitely can’t stop your brother to fly.

    Next time when any of his relatives come by you don't entertain them either.
     
    chanchitra likes this.
  6. candidheart

    candidheart Platinum IL'ite

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    Sorry OP, you have to go through this!
    Did your brother decide to drive based on your husbands decision or he too feels driving is safe?
    If its the former then ask him to change his plan and fly.
    Sorry but its plain mean on your husbands part. have you questioned/made him think if he'd do the same thing for his sibling.
    If I were in your shoes even though I play by his rules to keep peace, I would not spare him without that introspection.
     
    chanchitra likes this.
  7. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Don't complicate things more than they need to be. Make your main goal in such situations: Getting the most favorable outcome with the least possible unpleasantness.

    1. Sanitizing Amazon deliveries and taking precautions when hiking etc - Many people are doing this. If your husband himself wants to do it and does it without needing nagging or reminding, count it as a positive. Wiping shoes with wipes might be an extreme, but it can be ignored.

    2. He will be more lenient if a guest like his sister needed to stay over at your place during Covid - you don't know this for a fact, so leave that thought out.

    3. He says your brother should drive not fly - it is just a suggestion. Obviously your brother is free to travel how he wants to.

    4. Your husband favors his family and gifts them lavishly, does not talk properly with your family and does not show equal interest in gifting them. Not ideal but something you can live with. You gift your family, keep talk with his family to polite level.

    5. Brother will not be able to stay over -- temporary disappointment. Let it go. Don't argue over it as anyway your brother cannot stay over and you will end up with the unpleasantness of a fight. You will end up with the least favorable outcome with the most possible unpleasantness which is mathematically the exact opposite of what you want. Just calibrate your future interactions with your husband's family keeping this brother incident in mind.

    Make the peace in your house and amity (?) between you and your husband your top priority. Rest of the stuff is small stuff. Let the small stuff help you decide how to interact with his family. Don't let the small stuff create pointless arguments between you and your husband.
     
  8. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Silver IL'ite

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    A Class Action Comment !! :sweatsmile:

    Don't men like to have a beer with the young BIL who stops by while on the road on some errand ?
    Obviously there are other issues. For edample,
    I wondered why OP had to ask Mr.OP the permission to have Her Brother come and sofa surf at her home.

    She should put her disinfected foot down, and host her own relatives in her own home.
     
    nakshatra1, joylokhi and chanchitra like this.
  9. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    @Rihana, Yours views and advice is spot on! This is exactly how I have been dealing with situations related to my family with my husband, even as i am on to complete 38 years of married life with him. In all other aspects i cannot fault him at all and so , I just took it that is how he has been brought up to believe - his duty is only to his side relatives and his own family. That is a mindset that is not easy to erase and arguments or fights will not lead to any change, maybe only for worse.
     
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  10. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    your reply is so spot on .Deep inside I know these facts and its so hard to follow them and be calm with this situation on an ongoing basis . I feel so stuck and for sure the situation is something tht i can live with but ofcourse not ideal. Also the fact that this is the only situation that I have to deal with makes it more difficult .

    I have become very egoistic in my relationship with husband now and I keep asking why me only ? meaning why is it only me who is compromising ?/ I'm so tired of living with compromises and on top of that he wants to move his parents in .

    how do i deal with that turmoil as well ? i dnt know what to do but for sure deep down i'm very upset and do not want to forgive my husband for making my life difficult and adding his parents in this whole chemistry
     

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