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Expecting Dhs To Be The Best, Are We Looking Our (dws) End As Well?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by RohiniVenkat, Oct 11, 2017.

  1. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Women will share the responsibility if the husbands let them.
    As per crazy Indian culture,after marriage her family changes.
     
  2. nandinimithun

    nandinimithun IL Hall of Fame

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    Awesome and I completely agree each and every point....
     
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  3. tulip07

    tulip07 Bronze IL'ite

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    Looks like you know a lot about me and everyone else here!? You are so very confident in your comments (on others), that its hilarious! Are you for real? Lol!
    You sound like a Cuckold...tch tch tch!
     
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  4. tulip07

    tulip07 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hahaha.. this is exactly why we need feminism.. So that MEN LIKE YOU don't tell us to CHANGE :)! Have you heard of Introspection, try it (will help in your sanity).
     
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  5. tulip07

    tulip07 Bronze IL'ite

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    So you are the 'truth teller'? Lol.. you are living in ignorance! God bless u!
     
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  6. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    How can you deal with a husband who wishes to take his parents ALL THE TIME to literally EVERY single place?
    Be it a movie, shopping, or even a local grocery store?

    Recently he got an offer to move abroad but rejected it because his visa regulations doesn't permit him to take his parents along. (Insane, much?)

    How can I convince him that saving for the future of our daughter is more important than not having his parents around?

    I don't want to separate him from them but don't I deserve a little space? Too much to ask for a simple alone time?

    Keta "Kudumbam na ellarum onna dhan irukanum" nu oru lecture varum and idha pathi pesi pulichu pochu.. If I talk about the 3 of us going alone he looks at me like an enemy.

    And the worst hypocrisy is, he never lets me or my daughter to visit my parents and says "You are married and you have your duties here. Your parents should understand that and must not expect you to visit them every now and then."

    What on earth should I do?
    this is my friends vent post.worst hypocrisy
     
    NeetaR, Sweety82, sindmani and 2 others like this.
  7. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Expectations are mutual. Dhs also expect a lot -right? dowry(in many communities, I am against it), beauty,sweetness, well mannered, elegance etc lead to other expectations- good cook, good maid, good caretaker/servant of ILS, maid/nanny to kids, good listener , treat his home as her home etc. & what not

    Expectations from wife- It is really funny that still the male expectations are the same even in 21st century

    "Karyeshu mantri (an advisor in work)
    Karaneshu dasi (a servant in his service)
    Dharmeshu patni (a companion in noble deeds)
    Kshamaya dhaitri (like the earth in tolerance and forgiveness)
    Bhojeshu mata (like a mother when feeding food)
    Shayaneshu veshya (like a prostitute in bed)
    Range sakhi (like a friend in enjoyment)"

    What are we getting back ? So why not expect?

    In my personal opinion, both dh and dw should compliment each other to lead a good life. Nature created men and women that way.

    It is important to have some kind of independence of your own (especially financial). That make you stand up for your rights. You should know your rights and fight for it. All these came from education. Even now, many women don't know anything about the world or their rights, they just follow their customs & beliefs, imposed on them by a male dominated society.

    In my case roles are reversed in many ways( we both almost equal heights, I look taller ; almost same higher level education, but I got more, I was the primary visa holder when I came (now citizen) , earn more, career wise better position etc than my husband. I am the leader in true sense. So I can definitely talk about feminism right ? (@Nanib)

    I treat my husband as equal, give all respect that is expected in Indian set up, he is still the head of family (I do it consciously as it works with kids). I don't allow him to treat me any lower and dont allow him to control or sit on my head. He knows that it wont work. Luckily PILS are good. I treat them well/ they too.

    But still, I am almost like a home maker in every sense. Do every thing like an Indian house wife is expected to do - like cooking cleaning baby sitting etc.. so much (I have to say sacrifice)

    I don't think my husband can do all this ( he has other jobs, fixing, cleaning, mowing grass, driving more, he helps if requested). But I am sure he can manage if he wants.

    Why? because women are good in mutli-tasking , they are good in adapting to new situations. I think nature created them that away may be because to handle the challenges of motherhood.

    Nature created women in better way than men. They may be weak physically, but they are strong mentally. We should be strong / bold/ independent , but it doesn't mean that we should dress/behave like men, we can do with all the softness/ femininity nature has given to us. That makes a woman more attractive. We should be smarter to handle situation by using brain than emotions.

    Women are better than men ( May be men should try to be equal to women by improving themselves:)). This is my thinking.

    But we are in a male dominated society, where there is a constant attempt by the society to create an impression that men are here to lead by controlling women, even though many women proved that they are better than men. Many time, women are not given the opportunity. So we should stand up for rights by improving our capabilities. We should stand for our rights and fight for it. Most women gave up after sometime to maintain peace in home. India got Independence after many years long struggle. Same with life too. That is when all these 'feminism' came to picture.

    In my experience, most ( not all) of the men cannot handle a bold/strong women who keeps her head high or superior to them (Career wise also they have to prove much to get acceptance). They are really afraid of them.They just label them as feminist even though they are just humanist.

    OP, sorry if I diverted from the post. There is no problem in expecting as we are equally good. As long as there is mutual respect, love understanding and conscious attempt to improve our qualities/ correct imperfections in behavior, any one can lead a happy life (many people are not that lucky). Every thing is a learning experience. No one is perfect. Every one should have a knowledge of them selves (that is where all issues starts, they see them perfect and find fault with other even when the issue is with them, open minded approach many help , but most of the time women are expected to adjust or compromise).

    We are all enjoying better life than our grandma's or great great grandma. I am sure it will improve in future too. I am optimistic.

    We should try to become good human beings.

    (sorry for typing/language errors any, the region of my brain that handle language is very weak in my case :grinning:)
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2017
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  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Both H & W come home from their respective work places. Tired of commuting, stressed about the work, deadlines, supervisor's comments etc... and obviously both of them need some break at home to rest and relax.

    H takes bath, wait at the terrace looking for his hot coffee & snack. But his wife has to rush to the kitchen with the office attire and make coffee for both.
    She will not get time to change her cloths or take bath, because her kids would be running to her with 100s of problems. So, she is expected to spend quality time with them.

    H would relaxedly watch news channels in TV, and claim that he is super tired and stressed. So kids should refrain from disturbing him.
    But wife needs to continue her kitchen tasks such as preparing dinner, feeding the kids, doing home works with them and finally putting them to sleep.
    Meanwhile, H would shout or at least question about the dinner if it gets late. Because he knows it is important to eat homely food, and that too on time. He would preach about health and fitness, and sometimes criticize the plum size of the wife after marriage.
    Soon after the dinner, H would go for walking, so that he can sleep well at night. But wife will have 100s of tasks waiting for her to do before she retires in bed.
    H goes to bed at 9 if he doesn't have anything to whatsapp that night. But wife will struggle to wind up her day before mid-night.

    The next day, the wife needs to wake up early, so that he could prepare everything for the family to cope with her absence for the next 10 hrs.
    H wakes up relaxedly, eats B'fast, takes time to dress up and goes to work as usual.
    Wife also goes to work as usual, but only working women know the struggle and tension they face during those 2-3 hrs before they depart for work.

    The above story may be fictional.. but this is very similar to what happens in normal families where both spouses go to work.
    If a man chooses to help his wife by being less demanding, helping in the kitchen or with kids etc... then the society would praise him as though he is a rare gem.
    It is not expected from a man to do anything inside the house other than being a provider.

    But it is different for women. They are expected to be the traditional wives/moms covering up all their duties at home front, in addition to their modern role as a working woman.
    Anything lesser than this equation may mean social isolation for us. The society will be ready to label as anything should we chose to behave just like men... (i.e, go to work, and rest at home)

    Hypocrisy... yes!!!

    Women expect a nice husband (nice is very subjective... Mostly it means being reasonable)
    Men expect a super woman (According to them a woman has to be superwoman like mentioned above in order to qualify as "normal" woman)
     
  9. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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  10. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    True
     

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