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Exhausted And Tired

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by beautifullife30, Jul 12, 2021.

  1. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Finest Post Winner

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    Last year my husband quit his job to start a business. Honestly even if we are not in a comfortable position to do all that, i didnt say a word.

    I helped him plan what he wanted. I am glad he is doing what he loves doing. Anyway the problem now is I am working from home (MNC - 10 hours min everyday). Have two kids whose online education has to be monitored. My mom stays with us so she handles the cooking part morning and afternoons. I usually cook at night.

    Last month i tested positive for Corona and i am out of it now. But that lingering tiredness is there.

    In addition to all this, i am a partner in this business which my husband started. The problem is my plate is quite full with the things that are already there. And now my husband wants me to look into the financial aspect of the business also. I have tried to tell him that i will assist him in minimal ways but it doesn't really seem to enter his head.

    I agree that he is managing everything else alone. Yes, he is not taking any help from anyone else because we are still not in a place where we can hire external help for all this. But that doesn't mean he should expect me to do that. I am thinking of telling him that i am just too tired to do anything for the business be it suggestions or any ideas during any meetings with the CA firm. But every time, i feel that i am absolutely not interested to be a part of it.

    I took my time out to introspect why i felt this way and i feel that the reason for this reluctance is because, once i start doing something, then my husband doesn't involve himself in that. I am scared that if i start doing something, then my husband would put it on my head and I don't want that complete responsibility. I mean its his business not mine!

    Now, if i tell this to my husband, he will shut me out completely. His form of shutting out is completely putting me out of it where i have no say or no update about anything. I cant ask him about anything nor question him about anything. Now, every time i have involved myself especially in the hour of crisis, i find a way out, sort it out and we are out of that issue. Whenever i do that, i don't get appreciation for that (not that i want one) but instead i am berated for not knowing about it immediately or until he has told me. I think that since i am working my job and helping out at home, it is hard for me to be on top of everything. So if he comes and tells me this is the problem, we can work out a solution. Instead all I hear is you should know all this by yourself or had you helped me out earlier, we could have avoided this. Or if you had taken time out to discuss with me we could have sorted it ...

    I had registered myself for a professional course and am yet to start studying but off late things are so stressful that i have kept the studies aside. Instead i found a hobby...embroidery. i really enjoy doing it. He keeps berating me for it saying its a time waste to do it and why I am not serious enough in completing my professional course or helping out in business.

    How can i tell him that i want my space where i can do what i want without him hanging around me all the time or where he is not my priority all the time?
     
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  2. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    Nice of you. Supporting him!

    He rightfully can expect things from you. You are his wife and an able intellectual one who can support him until the business picks up the momentum. Family is naturally the first line of help when one is unable to fend himself and couldn't afford external help. The point here is you are not in a position to meet his expectations because you have a lot in your plate. Do you see the difference? So, the issue here also need to addressed keeping that difference in mind.

    Since your startup cannot afford services from outside, how about clearing up the cluster from your plate by having a cook or domestic help appointed, which is affordable and who can help you take out some time for your start up? or a tutor for helping your kids with their education so you can allocate some time for helping your husband with his venture? You are just looking at what you can do instead of what you cannot. Just outsourcing affordable stuff depending on what is your priority at a given point in life.

    You need to take a stand here. Either it is yours or it is not yours and you need to be clear on that with your H. either you are out completely or in it (irrespective of "how much" you contribute).

    If you really want to treat it as "its his business not mine" then choose to stay out of it completely. OR if you want to stay in it according to your convenience & time, then be upfront on what you "can" and what you "cannot". Take the ownership of what you can do and it is always good to have the complete authority on those matters without your H meddling or encroaching. Like you take up the responsibility coupled with authority. It helps the business. That way, both your duties and roles are divided and clear without any overlap of accountability and authority.

    After all, it is your family business, though it is his idea. I am not sure "it is his business, not mine" thing works practically. I guess it surely will affect the family finances, negatively or positively. So, you are obviously an interested/affected one in this whole affair.

    While discussing who does what like said above, these are the things that you need to let him know. Explain your concerns and tell him that any kind of belittling will not be accepted. Let him know why, even if you are not very comfortable with the idea of business, are supporting him. Let him know you are going extra mile to support him. Make your efforts and sacrifices known to him and let him know that you are not expecting any appreciation and neither belittling. Some don't recognise the efforts of others without being told.

    "We" is strength. Make it clear to him that blame game is neither good for the relationship nor for the business. Let him know that if he believes in that "we" then his conduct need to be in line with what he believes.

    Just tell him the specifics of why, how, when, what you want him to do. I don't think husbands usually understand "Don't hang around me all the time" kind of large vague sentences, in our favour. Be specific of what exactly you want and just say it without beating around the bush.
     
  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, an extremely well-written analysis of the situation from you. Such clarity serves as a good start towards achieving some relief. You both seem to be capable individuals just stuck at a temporary impasse.

    If he cannot see how embroidery helps you, if he cannot see for himself what it takes to manage kids' online education, home and a 10 hour daily job, then, you will not accomplish much by talking with him about it.
    Don't tell. Do it. Actions, not words. Decide how many hours a week you can spend on the business. Plan your day and week accordingly. Go about the planned day and week.

    Of course you have to talk about the changes from your side. Choose words carefully. I would suggest take your post and paste it in a Google Doc. Change all the font to a light grey. Bring back to black only the parts you need tell him. No blaming him. No whining about your stress. Stick to what can be loosely called facts about the past or the future. Soften the impact by adding a few more thoughts. Such as, "I might have bitten off more than I could chew when I started to help." Or, "one of us needs to be more available to the kids." Or, "I need to have some down time to do well at my 10 hour job."

    He will cut you off and you cannot ask any updates or have any say? Don't hold yourself hostage to such a fear no matter how real it is. If you are helping him a few hours a week, you will automatically know some updates of the business. Make your help so important that he has no option but to share. And, if he still cuts you off, let it be so for a while. Remain calm while the household settles to a newer routine.

    Your top priority should be that professional course that you have postponed. Make time and energy for that. Your husband is totally immersed in the business venture. He has few other responsibilities. Each business challenge overcome gives him renewed energy to put back in the business. Each business challenge you overcome saps up energy and leaves you with less time to recharge. He is living, breathing and dreaming, sleeping about the business. You do not have that luxury.

    Do not blame. Do not list his wrongs. Do not over-explain. Do not make each discussion an elaborate one. Keep it brief. Remain calm as much as you can. Do not expect that he will "understand" your stress, your need to spend time on a hobby.

    After a few weeks of this routine, if suitable, and if he asks for more help, you can say that you would like to help more, and in that discussion bring up specifics like you don't to be completely responsible for a task, you need more acknowledgement of your efforts, successes...
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2021
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  4. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @beautifullife30,

    You have such a clarity in explaining the problem and seeking help here in IL. A couple of quick things for your attention.

    1) Men don't like to be told by their wife that he is not her priority. This will make him feel he has no emotional support even though you are contributing so much through your job, schools of your children and domestic work. Perhaps, he feels you have some value to do add to the business.
    2) By accepting to be a partner in his business, you have given tacit acceptance to contribute to his business. If you liked to make it his business, you should have stood your ground by not lending your name to the business. Moreover, you have already helped him plan everything for the business.

    My humble suggestion would be to work out a comprehensive calendar for your activities including work related, schools of your children, domestic work, etc. and ask him honestly how you can contribute hours for the business. When you start the discussion, please mention you are aware of the fact that he can't afford to hire anyone else to support his business at this stage of the business. Ask him how you can allocate time to the business without affecting your MNC work, schools of the children and domestic work. If MNC work is supporting the family financially, you should emphasize anything that jeopardizes that work will have financial impact in the family.

    Be honest in discussing it with him and ask him suggestions. Also, tell him you are not proactively looking at problems in his business as you have a lot of confidence in his ability to solve them on his own. Sometimes, it is better to ask him whether he is expecting you to move full time into the business leaving your MNC work. He may be reluctant to ask this question to you. You both need to do a collective decision as to what is best for the family.

    You don't have to give up on embroidery as it appears to be only "me" time you have. Tell him that you supported his decision to do business because you have confidence in him and you would contribute anything to the business if he helps you plan time without affecting anything including financial management, schools of the children, domestic work, etc. Also, bring up the point that neither of you can assume your mother can continue to support forever all domestic work and some point of time, you may need to have someone help her at home.
     
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  5. RatnaMalliswari

    RatnaMalliswari Gold IL'ite

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    Hi
    I have one suggestion, as you said,it's work from home job,try to convience your husband that,you will save money for his business,ask him to hire one person,in this pandemic time many are jobless,assign somebody and make work done.Mean time you complete your course,if I am not wrong you may doing CA or CS or icwa, please excuse if I am wrong,it was just my guess.These courses require lot of dedication,you can't do multitasking.
    Make conversation with your husband what he expecting from you,if he is expecting to look after his business then you can't handle your job and studies.Its most essential for you and your family.
    For any business money is most important thing, business is always dynamic,you need to have strategy for survival of business.Talk all key points which important for business,don't show your study as cause,some husband may not agree,if things that are important for you rather than for them.Hope I am clear with my points.
    Regards
    Ratna
     
  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Sorry exactly what is covered in the ‘everything else’ part that he’s managing? It’s not clear what else he’s doing other than getting the business off the ground since You yourself have stated that you are managing everything else.

    Since you already feel your plate is quite full with the things that are already there. You should have a clear talk with him. Clear as in clearly spelling out the duration and scope of the help you are able to offer. If needed make a list of all the tasks you perform during the day. And barter some off your plate eg If you take over 2 hours every evening of supervising kids homework I will use that time to look into the financial aspect of the business. And this will continue till x goal/ milestone is reached.
    If he wants more contribution from you calmly show him your tasks list and ask him which ones he will take over so you can make time for his work.

    When you agree to help with something make it very specific and time bound. That should address your fear that you’ll be stuck with that work forever. But you have to say a firm no if the deadline passes and he still wants you to do it. As for involving in the business when you have no interest at all, tell him you will be the sounding board for his ideas but he has to meet the CA Firm etc. on his own.
     
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  7. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    It is not at all unusual to work for a slave driver boss, who piles on huge amounts of work, and expects everything to be done yesterday. And whatever gets done is taken for granted, and only the stuff that is backlogged gets noticed, mentioned, harangued over during the performance appraisals.

    During non-covid times, one would meet others who are also employed in the company at a bar, have a few drinks and share the gripes about having to put up with the nonsense -- because the job pays the bills, etc. etc. However one would also look to the longer horizon, and think about whether or not such a company should be in one's future. Even if it be the ground floor of something like amazon....and you could eventually leave the company with 50 billion dollars in cash and stocks.

    Mundane facts: Most startups fail. Most startup employees getting paid in stock-options, eventually collect doodly squat. Those who belong to the karass of sincere believers in the concept of the startup are usually steeped in the belief, and happy to slave. For the regular workers, unless the suffering slave/s can see cash-flows, achieved milestones, and know some scheme that is paying their just-wages, the employee has to work a plan-B and prepare to quit.
     
  8. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Finest Post Winner

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    Sorry for replying late. I read your messages and put those into action. All my time went into sorting this out.

    Understand. That is the only reason i went out of my way to find people who can assist him for free. My relatives - my brother who is tech savy, my aunt who is a Phd holder, my colleague's sister - who is doing her PhD, my another collegaue's colleague - who can assist him in the work he does. All these are other than the accounting work i am "expected" to be doing. But the point is he completely not remembering about these things.

    Since we (my mom and I) just came out of covid, hiring someone is not really an option now. Additionally i have been training my kids to do their things on their own. Thankfully they have picked it up. Today morning for instance, they did everything by themselves. And are eager to complete their responsibilities :). I am happy in this regard though.

    Exactly and this is what i am unable to do. I absolutely dont want any part of it. But at the end of the day i cant see him like that - totally lost in the sea of work. So i end up assisting him. I think i need to come out of this mode.

    You nailed it. The authority part was what i was lacking. It was based on 2 assumptions - that he knew what he was doing and that i didnt know much about this. Yesterday's argument broke both these assumptions. I took the authority for what i was contributing. It is relieving to finally acknowledge that i needed the credit for what i was doing so he doesnt confuse my contribution with his.

    You are again right here - his only or mine only is not working out. It is unfortunately a family business right now. Finanaces are not the major issues here. His lack of empathy and acceptance is what is causing hte issue here.

    I told him bluntly that i have no interest in helping him if he continues in this way. And that i am and will contribute only when he is talking politely without belittling me. I made it clear that any more slurs, i am completely out of this. It wouldnt matter to me even if the business goes under, he cant take his frustrations out on me.
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2021
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  9. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Finest Post Winner

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    I really hope this is the case!

    No talking with him really didnt help. Shouting did :) .... not like that but we had an argument where i had to list out the work i did for him at the top of my voice to let it enter his head.

    I told him bluntly that if he needed the house to be swept and mopped, if he needed my salary at the beginning of the month to help us sail through, if he needed his kids ot be educated and above all if he needed the food he wants to eat, then should stop complaining about the no of hours i can assist him. Coz i dont have 10 hands to do all these things and still assist him.

    After i read your messages, i tried to combine both my office work and the research i had to do for this company. I was able to manage and provided him updates on all these things. It worked out or so i thought until it all came down on me yesterday. He kept talking nonsense ( i think he was trying to use me as a scapegoat for his frustrations) he spoke a lot of nonsense that at the end, i told him bluntly that i wanted out since i couldnt handle his stupid arguments.

    Oh yeah...that got dragged along also. His argument, a person aiming to do a professional course should not think like this or behave like this or act like this. If i need to actually complete this course, i need to be scared of the course, i have ask inquisitive questions about the why why why or always think about what can be done. Not be like me ie not interested in the accounting aspect of his business.

    I understand every individual is different. He thinks you have to be scared to complete a course. My point is why? Why should i be scared to do a course. I should love a course to be able to do it. And of all courses, the course i have chosen is the most practical one. I mean, tax, accounts (i am already working that day in dand day out) in my office. I am just reading the rules for it. This monkey completely has a different view that his friend was not serious enough so he failed. I mean just coz his friend failed doesnt mean i will too. And another point is there is no hard and fast rule for me that i have to do this within this time or something. I am doing at my pace where i am understaing every point. Yesterday i told him that what he thought doesnt really affect me and that my opinions and views are my own. I respect his and that if he has decency he would do the same to me.

    No, he didnt. you are right. But jsut coz he doesnt understand doesnt mean i have to explain my actions to him. I am at home, doing things i love. Why on earth should i explain it to him. I mean, he didnt have the courtesy to tell me his views in a civil manner. I decided to extend the same courtesy to him.

    Yes i have told him that only and only at my will and wish i would help not if he keeps belittling me or putting me down. If he still behave this way, no matter what the consequences, i wouldn't dare to lift a finger.
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2021
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  10. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    @beautifullife30, good to know that you are figuring this out. Wishing you a lot of mental & emotional strength!

    You might have to do this often, depending how things are moving in the direction you want.
     
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