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Ex moving to my city!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sunshinegaljuhi, Nov 27, 2013.

  1. vmtaurus

    vmtaurus Bronze IL'ite

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    OP.. Sometimes the fact that there has been no closure itself is a sort of a closure. Maybe you can live with that and move on?
     
  2. KP55

    KP55 Gold IL'ite

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    I'm sorry, but I do not think I used a derogatory word against a woman. I ended it with a "lol" because of the sheer absurdity of OP's notion that meeting her ex is a good idea. This is not a meeting of 2 old business partners, this is a meeting of people who were emotionally and physically involved with each other. I will not believe that their conversations are limited to talks about a particular restaurant or movie. I can imagine the conversations to include phrases like "..remember the time we did this..." or "remember how much you liked when i kissed your...." well you get the idea.

    The OP tells us how excited she is and dying to meet him. And her DH knowing about her ex makes it "all right". I would like to know the POV of her ex's wife? Does she know about OP? Does she know how madly the OP wants closure with her husband?

    The OP is not thinking right. She is behaving like a school girl who just fell in love and trying to justify her actions by explaining to us 'society should not judge her'. The big picture she is missing is that, the ONLY person she has to justify and prove her actions is to her DH and her ex's wife.

    The fault also lies with her ex for allowing this contact to remain. The OP original post also hints to us, the problems she maybe facing in her marriage; perhaps its just boredom or her DH not catering to her needs.

    I'll give you my example, I met one of my ex gf at the mall years ago, it was an awkard meeting because she was with her husband. She introduced me to her husband awkwardly. She introduced me because we were looking at each other and her husband would have felt suspicious and uncomfortable.

    But I took a deep breath and clearly introduced myself and put out my hand. He shook my hand and I said "You are a very lucky guy. She is a great person. Good luck to the both of you." And then just walked away, never to see her again. Do I miss her? Sure sometimes I do, but do I stalk facebook or looking to contact her? NO! Why? Because she is happy and unavailable.
     
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2013
  3. KP55

    KP55 Gold IL'ite

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    Please quote where I disrespected women in this thread? Some of you are very sensitive when it comes to what might be a dose of reality. The end result of this contact could ultimately lead to what i said.

    I may have put it in more bolder terms but ask yourself why are majority of the people discouraging OP to contact her ex? They also know it is a bad idea because it could lead to something what I said. I just said it plainly black and white; while some of you just circle around it without waking the "lion".
     
  4. sweety17

    sweety17 Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    Your ex cheated on you and dumped you and you have nursed feelings for him after all these years.Any body would shoo such people out of their lives but you did the reverse. May i ask if there was really nothing that you both talked but just "usual stuff" was there a need for that at all?Answer that for yourself!!

    You are happily married, have kids so what was the need to talk to someone who dumped you?I don't understand that.

    Better late than never.So what if your ex is coming to your city,there is no need to entertain him. In fact this is the right time,to take your stand.Let your ex know there is no need to be cordial.Let bygones be bygones. If your ex insists you don't take the pain of going out, invite him at a time when your DH & family is at home and offer at the most tea/snacks. And keep talking only about his wife/kids if you have to make a conversation with him. Let your DH do the talking.With this both DH and ex will know that you have moved on from your ex.

    OP, if you don't take a stand now you alone will be responsible if god forbid anything unwanted happens in your marriage. Please don't let that happen. Make a wise decision. Good Luck!!
     
    1 person likes this.
  5. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    The allegedly offensive line has been removed, but it was a good caution, even if the words hurt feelings.

    Meeting the ex in such a situation (where "closure" is the alleged aim) sets up a "relationship" that is perfect in many ways. Both know a full-fledged relationship is out of question, so that won't happen. But, at the first argument or disagreement with spouse, the person will be tempted to turn to the ex for sympathy. The sympathy and commiserations will be given and received again with the safety of knowledge that a full-blown affair is out of question and wrong. A shoulder to weep on might be more palatable than the term KP used.

    The most I would give credibility to the "closure" reason is if the meeting is clearly a one-time meeting. Both know it is a one-time meeting to clear up a few things, and no more contact after that. And stick to the no more contact resolve.

    I have disagreed with KP in another thread. But want to mention here that I didn't see any disrespect for women or OP from him.
     
  6. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    How best to actually meet him? Seems like you have made up your mind to meet him. I was just about to advise "cut him off with one clean sweep".

    He keeps running into you. In my opinion, that would make me suspicious right off the bat and enough to amputate any contact. Now he moves into your city. Now is that a coincidence? I don't know... given the "running into you" background.

    Whether you meet with family or alone, that will only lead to more opportunities for interaction and more "what would have happened if...." moments for you and him. So obvioulsy, meeting alone is ruled out.

    As for seeking closure, it's been 13 long years. You should have seeked closure before marriage, when you were still only responsible for yourself.

    Plus, with me reading between the lines from what you said. " you just broke up and he got involved with your friend almost immediately" Does it look like he had already cheated on you and used the fight to end it all? To me it does, (may be it is my over active imagination - forgive me)


    Whatever, be the case OP - think of it as teenage puppy love that got lost as you grew and matured. Stop all contact - Incoming and Outgoing. Period.

    Of course that's just my 2 cents. Good Luck
     
    1 person likes this.
  7. Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, i think it is better to not know some things in life. Maybe it is better to stay in self composed beautiful illusions than know the ugly truth. Maybe that's why God makes us not remember our past life or slowly makes us forget about things in this life as time passes. Don't think there is any need for you to meet your ex. your reasons are not justifiable.

    you say your DH knows everything. Does he know that you are in contact with your ex still?
     
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  8. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Juhi,
    Your post reminded me of this poem.
    S

    The Russian Greatcoat

    by Theodore Deppe

    While my children swim off the breakwater,
    while my wife sleeps beside me in the sun,
    I recall how you once said you knew
    a sure way to paradise or hell.
    Years ago, you stood on the Covington bridge,
    demanded I throw my coat into the Ohio—
    my five dollar "Russian greatcoat,"
    my "Dostoevsky coat," with no explanations,
    simply because you asked.

    From that height, the man-sized coat fell
    in slow motion, floated briefly,
    one sinking arm bent at the elbow.
    At first, I evade the question when my wife asks
    as if just thinking of you were an act of betrayal.
    The cigarette I shared with you above the river.
    Our entrance into the city, your thin black coat
    around both our shoulders. Sometimes I can go
    weeks without remembering.
     
  9. Uttaraa

    Uttaraa Platinum IL'ite

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    Hmm..Closure. Today, now? Would that really be relevant to what happened few years back. The lingering thoughts on what went wrong is something that plagues all of us when things go wrong, but the perspective is lost. Would he be able to provide veridical account of his actions that happened few years back? A cordial side of him may also say -'It was not your fault, never was' rather than dissecting into unpleasantness in the face-off. We seek penitence, requital if we have been hurt. And a civil deliberation if you are still unmarried, flummoxed why your relationships are unsustainable. Since neither is applicable in your case as you are having a wonderful married life with your DH, this 'closure' looks more of a intuitive call on what next? we met, we broke off, we got married, do we discuss now?

    On a darker side, I've a feeling that you want to meet him, see him and trying to reason your actions as you've discordance in your mind between reckoning and results. Your varying versions from 'excitement to talk for hours' to 'seek closure' seems more like you've made a decision and working backwards to fit as ineluctable; that you are helpless in arriving at this disjunction.

    With due respect to your sentiments and understanding of your pain, I wish to add that it is tough, really tough to be attached and break off. It appears more tough because we are working against the powerful forces of attraction, appeal with only small tools like conscious effort. Except practicality of the situation to break off with someone you are working against every element of your mind, body that is betraying you. It may not be flattened but it can definitely be hunkered that the very nature of the relationship is transformed into one of dimmed clinker rather than soft glow. There is also a moral angle that if we forget our first love/intense love we were just attracted to that person which sounds very unsavory. We want to cherish as epitome of 'pure love' that is indestructible. It is perfectly normal/advisable to completely get rid of any last rotting vestiges of past love and still remember it as 'different you who loved a different him'. Ain't saying you've not gotten over him, but you are still kind to let it purr; lets say whilst watching your favorite telly show, to pick a call is a chore, aah not now! (even if it is from him - just like that annoying friend of yours - who on earth does not watch BBT now to call)

    Though KP55 has not been genteel in his statement, if you excise the bluntness, he was only hinting at the unrecoverability of a situation that no one walks into knowingly but ends up not realizing till it is too late, imprudent to have included that route in selection process.

    Let me put it this way - the collective idiocy of 25 posters may sometimes generate a smart instruction.

    P.S: You sound very sensible from your posts, needing only a small jab not the MIL one to help you see more clearly and make the decision, what ever you are comfortable with.
     
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  10. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    U just nailed it Utts......:hatsoff
     
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