1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Evesdropping

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by mimita, Apr 21, 2022.

  1. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,989
    Likes Received:
    3,643
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Yeah I agree with what @Viswamitra has advised. The problem is you are running away from her all the time. Every night after dinner maybe when all are relaxing just talk to her for half hour or so. Casual chitchat, oh today was so busy, next week I have deadlines how are you? Stupid maid etc. Make this a regular habit. Then if she disturbs you during the day smile and quickly say ‘let’s talk tonight/later. I’m really busy right now.’ Gradually let that night half hour be the main point of interaction and she’ll stop barging in on you at other times.
     
    Thyagarajan and Viswamitra like this.
  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    11,704
    Likes Received:
    28,465
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    Unless the husband agrees that the wife's wish for some privacy is a valid preference, is willing to broach the topic with his mother, and the MIL at least acknowledges her desire to be part of all conversations, nothing will work. Giving quality time to the MIL will not itself make her more reasonable and likely to leave the couple alone sometimes.

    The only solution I see here is that the husband and wife learn a foreign language. I find Korean very expressive and it has some words in common with Tamil.
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2022
    Thyagarajan and mimita like this.
  3. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,373
    Likes Received:
    1,688
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I think husband should spend time with mom more than the wife . Honestly though she might feel more secured if her son spends time with her . I don’t understand why always the responsibility lies on women’s shoulder to make everything right . Isn’t son also equally responsible ?
    Old people not having any hobby is actually a huge burden to dil . Mil should have friends outside or pickup some hobby and find a different outlet . Dil cannot be expected to babysit mil .
     
    chanchitra, Thyagarajan and Rihana like this.
  4. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,019
    Likes Received:
    8,346
    Trophy Points:
    460
    Gender:
    Female
    This kind of behavior is caused either by loneliness and insecurity or by a desire to maintain power and control.

    Is it possible she is lonely? Remind your DH that his mother needs him. Encourage him to spend time with her daily — perhaps take her out for a walk every evening.

    Another way to handle her is to seek her opinion on household matters. Let her choose the menu some days. Ask for her opinion on inconsequential matters. Let her feel in control of some things. Seek her advice if you can.

    Asking your DH to control his mother's behavior is a sure recipe for disaster. He can't do it. Could you tell your parents what you are asking him to say to his?

    Be empathetic, be reasonable. You are sharing a home with an old lady. Anything you do to reduce her insecurities will also reduce her need to spy on you.

    If none of this works, you have a MiL who is seeking to control the home. That's a whole other playbook.
    .
     
  5. mimita

    mimita Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    21
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    I used to do all this many years back, and I end up feeling manipulate at the end of the day. She would sweetly say things to make me agree to her ways. So subtly controlling that I used to feel like a doormat trying to please her. I gave up after that. People who are not transparent and have underhand controlling tendencies are not fun to hang out with
     
    Amica and Thyagarajan like this.
  6. maalti

    maalti Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    220
    Likes Received:
    337
    Trophy Points:
    125
    Gender:
    Female
    Very well said. First of all, don't see her as an outsider. She is the mother of your DH. Added to this, she is a widow. You can take her out for a walk or a temple if she could walk and you can talk with her. All elders will feel happy if they are spoken to. What do we do if we visit old age homes ? We talk with the elders there and spend time with them. What they want is a little kindness. Of course, I do not mean that you are unkind to her. But a little more kindness shown will go a long way in solving your problem.
    Regards
     
    nandinimithun and Thyagarajan like this.
  7. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    9,061
    Likes Received:
    9,750
    Trophy Points:
    490
    Gender:
    Male
    I would suggest op to do the counter eavesdropping into MIL’s privacy. It might solve or mitigate the problem or and OP will have a semblance of satisfaction of having done tit for tat. This would be hilarious too and such moments henceforth become hilarious no irritation no nettlesome!
     

Share This Page