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Everyone needs love isnt ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by manu2345, Mar 23, 2010.

  1. manu2345

    manu2345 Junior IL'ite

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    hi
    it has been long time that i did not write any thing. you all know about my problems from my last posts. http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/78994-am-i-becoming-abnormal.html
    now i am going to india in may end and start job or practice. i wanted to say thank you for all your replies. seriously, i never expected so many replies to my posts.
    many times i think what did my husband get after doing all these bad things to me? i dont love him . he knew this. i do my daily duties. when i go back, i will involve myself in job and my daughter. then i will be more far away from him. not physically. but my mind will not involve with him.if i were only daughter to my parents , i would have been seperated from him long back. so i wonder how could my husband live with me when he knew i have so much hatred for him. i know , he never divorce me. but then why did not he show his love? just thoughts. anyways even though he behaves good now i will never love him. in the initial years i was with him for my parents sake and now for my daughter.
    but i have this question dont men feel that there should be someone who love them? if yes then why do they give so much pain to other?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 24, 2010
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  2. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Manu,
    Sorry to hear about your troubles. When men heap their egos on women they think ts love.So they don't get it.
    Anyways, my suggestion is you should not live with anyone you are not happy with.
    When U go to India think about it and take the right decision.
    FL
     
  3. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    i dont love him . he knew this.

    If a person knows that his spouse has this attitude towards him or her and just got married for the heck of it, I really donno if either can give love to the other.

    anyways even though he behaves good now i will never love him.

    You have already closed doors on him.. everyone faces hardship.. either in starting year, mid years or towards the end.... life's too short to keep hatred for long.. especially for relations that you want to live into. Just dont teach this attitude to your daughter to make her life a hell as well.

    i have so much hatred for him. i know , he never divorce me. but then why did not he show his love?
    Real irony.. u dont love him but want him to show love? Every action has an equal and opposite reaction... wont hatred breed hatred.

    I never thought love is planning or an outcome... its a state that gives you peace, calm & a desire to live with people around you.
     
  4. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    From the above quotes, its plainly clear that you don't love him unconditionally. You have decided that you will never love him... then why bother?? Why do you want him to love you when you don't want to love him??? IMO, first love him unconditionally and then expect him to love you.

    No one is perfect. In any marriage, there will be fights. The important thing is to learn from previous mistakes and grow up.
     
  5. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Is there unconditional love today? for e.g a husband keeps hitting his wife, or wife keeps abusing husband, and the other partner to show unconditonal love , puts up with it, what is unconditional? to keep acecpting what ever is going on? I guess OP is not being understood .. She is not saying why he is not loving her when she is hating him, she felt why he did not love her when they were together....if he does not want divorce then why not live nicely, that is what she meant I guess

     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2010
  6. sonika1976

    sonika1976 Junior IL'ite

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    Wow! I wish I could do that. Pack my bags and leave. My husband is a scum bag. With that being said, we havent been intimate for almost 3 years because his parents visited in 2007 and literally killed my marriage.

    We cannot hold a conversation because it leads to a fight. I stay with him only and only for my child who is too small to grasp what losing a father is! I feel obligated to make this ****ty marriage work only because I want an innocent child to have both parents as he has not done anything wrong.

    My indulgence?? I am trying to find a life outside.friends, party, shopping, flirting, music, dance, jazz, volunteer at kids preschool. The ladies here suggested me all this and I love it. Why keep pleading a man to love you when he doesnt want to? Why are u so wrapped around him? Cant you make a fun life of your own?

    Like you i was working before marriage. Found an ok job here and now with a long maternity break and recession, i am not finding anything. so i volunteer and get part time projects. Why cant you continue masters here? Wont that be better than getting a pg in India? When you are swamped with studies, you wont bother about these filmi duniya kind of life.

    In my imagination, I have slept with every actor (male) whose movie I love:hide:. Its normal when someone is sex/love deprived like me I guess but
    thats just about it. I dont compare the filth i married to all of them because i dont see them personally. They might be bigger filths than the one i have at home.

    You havent told why the married life has become miserable. Does he hit you? does he not provide basic necessities? is he a bad father? Please paint a picture of what kind of a person he is. I have no clue why u feel hatred. Is the hatred physical? or do u hate him just because of those post marriage incidents. Those happen everywhere i feel, unless you are terribly lucky.

    My husband had got me a ring for my wedding from US. On the wedding day when i wanted to take pics wearing it, my fil in the entire wedding hall, hid the ring in the camera bag. Would not give it for the life of us. These are my inlaws. If anyone gives them 20 Rs they will sell me in an open market :rotfl. But my nutty inlaws and your nutty inlaws are far away, so why dont u give this marriage one more chance?
     
  7. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Sonika

    You know me well! so I take the liberty of asking you a question based on your post. I agree a bad husband may/may not be a bad father. However if you and your husband live under one roof and act so indifferent towards each other, and the kid grows up seeing the father who doesnt say single nice word to mom, and mom who is busy with her own stuff as dad is not paying attention to her...What good is it going to do on the mental stability and painting a picture of how marriage is supposed to be? for your kid??

    Are you not doing injustice to your future SNIL/DIL (sorry I forgot whether you had a girl/boy)because if your kid grows up with this image of marriage, how would the kids life be happy and normal? are you not raising another dysfunctional family?

    I dont mean to say that you have to quit upfront or divorce, but isnt it time for you to shake your husband up and down and warn him to come to counselling if not you would move out of the house and you both can share the custody. (Now this would set a tone to your kid that anytime when tehre is no love and mutual attachment a spouse would surely walk out and they wont put up with it...so at that time your kid would have this learning for his/her life time and ensure their future spouse is happy and the love is reciprocated mutually)

    Tell me If I make sense or not!!!

    I would say give him that jolt and see for the reaction and If still nothing constructive happens, do look out for a job and move into a separate apt near by to your work (tell your husband you both can keep the kid by taking turns...instead of going to court..if he wants to go to court, thats fine, as he has to pay alimony etc...)

    Atleast living separately would give you the confidence that you have life...livign under the same roof would always make you wonder how is the outside world and keeps you scared.

    Lets not make kids as a reason to stay/live in the marriage. because we are setting an example to our future generations to bear loveless marriages, abusive spouses, cheating spouses for the sake of kids/society.

    Sometimes I really wonder, do we educated woman really be able to be independant??? or we just hide under the reason of kids and say we are in the marriage for kids but we know the truth, it was only because we are scared to face the world...what is the truth??
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2010
  8. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Srividiya, there are couple of scenarios I guess, but you have laid down points really nice way, very good points , esp the one you said giving the jolt, that was superb

    I read somewhere, convey your decision , you would know if its right or wrong based on the reaction

    When kid is young and does not understand what divorce is and what is to lose a father to part ways, that way the damange is very less on child and the child will not go through the anxiety of seperation, but the kid will also not see fathers love, he wont be able to relate to fatherly figure, if a kid who gets fathers and mothers love but parents are not loving each other or one of them is not wanting to be in marriage(I dont mean daily fights and hell) but are able to live together ...will be able to relate to both .

    In scenario one he would lose his father as if in death, in secanrio 2 if the couple seperates when child is grown up a little, a child would have experienced fathers love and will not be alien to his or her father who would meet them just few times..

    In either situation kid would have to lose something at some point in a bad marriage, unless marriage is worked out and diff resolved

    Sonika, what is that you are achieving in living a sexless, loveless life, for the sake of kid, at some point you can still have kid meet his or her father and both parents can share the kid in its own way.
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2010
  9. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Tridev

    I would never ever say to separate kid and parent. Its just the living arrangement is going to be different. i.e instead of under one roof , its going to be under different roofs.

    Why cant the kid stay at moms place for couple of weeks and then dads place for couple of weeks instead of mom and dad together , where mom goes through this stress of seeing a unloving husband. Isnt it not fair on a grown up adult i.e mom to face this torture???

    I agree every woman/man would react and suggest different things. I am also against divorcing/separating just at the drop of a hat, but I have been following with Sonikas' case for so long, she is highly sensitive and her husband is big time crusher of feelings. She falls prey for his tricks every time and ends up hurt.

    So for the sake of a months old kid, is it really worth asking a grownup adult to go through this trauma and being crushed every day?

    Also about conveying decision and how the reaction is....beleive me we always know in our hearts whats going to be the reaction..but we always try to hide from truth. Our heart is the best judge. Just sit silently and ask our own selves on any topic and we know the answer but when the answer is not favourable as we wanted we try to run away/ hide instead of facing the truth.

    If we know the reaction and end result, whether we give that decision today/ after several years....down the line the end result/reaction was always the same and what we know initially. Its just the timing...when we declare our decision!!

    Thsi is my own experience..that sometimes our own weakness is used as a weapon by our spouse. The moment our spouse realises that we wont take a step back and are ready to face what so ever...our spouse too starts rethinking because we are not anymore ready to put up with unreasonable behaviour. (So we are the ones who gave path to this behaviour by not setting the tone isnt it?? atleast better late than never!!)
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2010
  10. sonika1976

    sonika1976 Junior IL'ite

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    vidya vidya vidya!!! what would i do without you :hiya

    I have to disagree about the "shared custody" part. Yes I know its unfair to show a child that his father is on mars and mother is on earth but I feel harder it is for a child to see their parents have moved on. I know for sure that if i ever take that step to divorce, my husband will remarry. My child adjusting, sulking over questions like "my dad shares his bedroom with another lady who is not my mom", "why am i shuttling between two houses when my half bros sisters get their mom and dad" "why can i get only one parent at a time" "why do my friends have both parents" All these questions trouble a growing brain. Things would be different when kids are older or close to teenage but age 4-5 these questions do gather up and can be damaging.

    Just saw a divorced couple who now have shared custody. The husband remarried and life has become hell for those kids. Seeing the parents moved on, getting used to their new families, step kids, step dads moms is a harsh blow to kids as well..dont you think?

    For a debatable topic like this one, scenario would be different if i were physically abused everyday, called names everyday. This abuse happened to me also but I was an idiot to put up with it and have a child with him. Now that I am a mother, and he is a great father, I want my child to have a dad all to himself for just a little longer.

    I do get u r point completely but I am also thinking of the after effects psychologically on a young childs mind.

    I did tell my husband about counselling in a tone that would scare any sane man but you must remember that the man i married uses his brain with his mothers help..so he said, "i am not the one with the problem so i dont need counselling, you need a doctor and consellor so go fix yourself or get a divorce" His exact words. He asked me for a divorce 2 days ago!!! I should really be a nut case right?..all i want is for my child to not be emotionally distraught when he sees another child and a father and imagine that I stay all week with my mom and get just 2 days with my dad. I do strongly believe, kids need two parents atleast at that age. am i wrong?
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2010

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