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Ever Feel Like He Just Doesnt Care As Much?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Meghaa, Jul 25, 2021.

  1. Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    Let me start by saying I have a good marriage.

    There are still times when I feel like he doesn't care as much as I do.

    Ex:
    1) When he is sick, I try to guess what he needs and ask him if he wants xyz and bring it to him.When I am sick he expects me to tell him what I want. Once he even asked, if I wanted right away or if he can go later...
    2) I feel like I try to plan most things keeping his likes and dislikes in mind. But he plans things keeping himself in mind.
    3) I try to buy gifts that he would enjoy. He buys gifts ( not just for me) that he likes!!!!!

    maybe they are not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things but some days it just adds up.

    I was once so hurt, I tried to be like him. I dint like it at all..... Its just not who I am. It made me even more miserable and angry.

    I dont know if I am expecting too much? When we have had this discussion , he said I am expecting him to behave like I would - which is not fair.

    Does anyone else feel this way?
     
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  2. Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    I cook most of the time. One day he makes pancakes ( I know, very difficult) , he thinks he deserves some special appreciation award....

    When I am pissed with him, instead of trying to address why I am pissed, he tries to talk all lovey-dovey and expects me to give in?!! It just makes me even more pissed

    This is probably my fault - when he comes up with impromptu going out , I almost never say no, unless there is something I absolutely cannot move. But he , no he acts like I am being a brat if I ask.....

    And yes, I have tried to have this conversation with him... doesnt seem to get us anywhwere
     
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2021
  3. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    Two posts about family, and no mention of child/ren.
    The marrieds with children do fondly recall those days, when she was merely pissed off now and then, and he was oblivious of anyone else's needs. Those were the happy days. Some are on cloud-9, others may be on 8 or 7.
     
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  4. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, these complaints are very common. Look like its a common feature of most of the Indian husbands.

    Do whatever makes you happy. If loving and caring him, make you happy do that. Dont change who you are. Nurturing is part of womanhood. So its natural to feel that way.

    1. Most men needs clear instructions. Don't expect him to volunteer . Some men behaves like a kid when they are sick, but others takes care of themselves even though they want their partner to acknowledge. So ask for help if you need anything.
    2& 3. He is his priority. You can also do the same. But caring for others is a good quality. Do what make you happy. But you should know what you want and go for it. No need to sacrifice that for people who dont care.
    4. If he cooks well, appreciate that. Encourage him to cook more .
    5. You need to learn how to communicate your thinking in a calm, composed way than in a negative way. You are lucky to have a husband who make it light and make you feel loved instead of passive aggressive behavior. Appreciate that. Communication is the key. Learn how to say No or disagree

    Op, he is right to some extent. You want him to behave in your way . Isnt controlling. I can understand expectation from your side. But you cant control him, you can control only you. I can understand your feelings. Some how he is not getting that. Whenever he do something good encourage him to do more and say you love it. Overthinking kills happiness. So accept his nature for your peace of mind. He only can change it. If he is unwilling you cant do anything about it.

    As you have a happy marriage and a loving husband, dont spoil your 99% with 1% of disagreement. Count your blessings and learn how to communicate well. Good days and bad days are part of our life. Take care
     
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2021
  5. Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you DDream. You are right... I have told myself something along these lines often.

    Some days , certain combination of things back2back and I forget it all.

    I needed to vent.
     
  6. Meghaa

    Meghaa Silver IL'ite

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    lol... helps to think of them as appliances
     
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  7. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Men are from Mars sometimes!!
    I have to spell out exactly what gift I want. I’ve found very rare surprise purchases to my liking. It’s not a bad idea to go ahead and give him a list before the bday or anniversary that narrows down what he can pick.

    Regarding cooking with everyone’s likes in mind, I think 99% of us here end up doing that. I’ve started making what I feel like eating every now and again. More than DH, kids play an important role in what gets cooked around here. I suggest you start adding one side dish of your choice every now and then and expand on it to make some meals that you prefer.
    If he cooks something and it’s a big deal, if I wash the car/fill air in tires/take car to car wash/assemble a small piece of furniture that came from Amazon/fix a leaky tap - it is a huge deal. Maybe what comes easily for you is a big deal for him but what he does on a regular basis is a big thing for you when you occasionally do it.

    When you have everything going good in your marriage, when such thoughts come to you, look at his positives. Nobody is perfect. He’s not how you want him to be in certain situations but overall you have a good equation. Strive to improve that. It’s also a good idea to understand each other’s love language and cues. If you have a partner who is understanding, you can work with each other on many things. Over the years I’ve gotten my DH to go with things that he never would have gone along with initially. Let go the small things and win big.
     
  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    : ) It was a slightly taxing weekend for me and I was reading this thread after a solo-by-choice lunch. I glanced around and considered each appliance and its features, and which came closest to them. : )

    Dishwasher, clothes washer, dryer, microwave, convection oven, pop-up toaster, Instant Pot : ), noisy exhaust fan that simply recirculates the air back into my kitchen, TV, TV remote, fridge, Vitamix... and finally my eyes landed on the Nest thermostat. : )

    There are days when the Nest thermostat is smarter than some humans. : )
     
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2021
  9. Tubinbataye

    Tubinbataye Gold IL'ite

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    Kids? Are you working?
    You no need to revolve around him always. Have your own schedule, nurture yourself.
     
  10. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    :D. Yeah! appliances are much better.

    You may find many posts here to treat insensitive and uncaring spouse as furniture:)

    Hope you are feeling better.
     

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