If it is any solace @Kaput, there are others in your shoes. It’s so hard to do this alone. It does take a village, especially with a child with special needs. Looking at the silver lining isn’t possible some days. On those days, I just take it one hour at a time. There are a lot of people who practice detached attachment. It’s just so hard when it comes to our own kids. I wish it were the husband I had to not take personally, sometimes. That sort of detachment would have hurt but not this much. Know that you aren’t alone. I’m glad you are following the 75 hard challenge for you. It helps. I also keep telling myself that I’m doing this to the best of my capability. Surrendering to the higher power, whatever it maybe did help a little. On difficult days I question his existence too. From somewhere within the last year or so, I’ve found peace with this situation. It has come from within. I don’t know what changed but it feels nice to not walk around with a tight chest waiting to explode. It still happens sporadically but not as bad as PTSD forming levels. Spend a few minutes each day just focusing on your breath. It’s calming and helps relax. Whatever it is, we have to handle it. We can take it one minute/hour/day at a time and hope. I really hope none of us lose hope. Hugs kaput. Hang in there!