Empty Nest Syndrome ..especially Abroad?

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by anika987, Nov 4, 2024.

  1. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    Many of my neighbors kids have left home and people are handling it in various ways.My friend seems fine and she is doing well.Couple of neighbors look literally devastated..I understand we are different but am curious..

    How did u feel when your kids left for college?were u lost?

    If we are in India it’s honestly different..evening can be visiting small temples or maybe take a walk in the apartments and lot of sound around and the warm weather in India is actually good for the mind.with theatres nearby maybe movies and some books etc to occupy oneself.

    How do people abroad manage? I am not a social person and though I can be alone I get influenced by how people say I will become lonely and life will be bad after kids leave..I still have time but..the very thought scares me.

    Also it’s not like we can go out everyday abroad as even the nearest temple
    Or theatre is like 20 minutes away..

    How was it when ur kids left and how is it now?
     
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  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I still have some years to reach there, as my younger one is only 11 yrs old. But, I am already thinking about this.

    It is important to find happiness from within. If you are not yet at that, it is high time to start discovering your self and do something that you love :) Engage in me-time, self love activities, and finding a new hobby or new way of living life to the fullest is better.

    Your kids may leave the nest soon, but your spouse will stay with you. So, plan something with your spouse, or even better if you could start something with him now and expand it further when kids are gone.

    I have two plans:

    1- To retire in Sri Lanka, and start living in our own home. Therefore, renovate the home as per our own demand, comfort and happiness. The home has 3 floors and many rooms. Ideally my kids, my siblings, nieces and nephews can come, stay and spend quality time with us whenever they feel like visiting us. The home will be refurbished like a holiday home with a swimming pool, BBQ space, nice garden, gym/yoga spots and home theatre to cater everyone's needs. But primarily these are my interests too.

    2. To enter social activism, leading to politics. With the political reform in Sri Lanka, I have been invited to enter politics, but I am not ready yet. I am already an activist, but at a smaller level. When I have the time in hand, I will pursue this to the fullest and share my wisdom, experience and expertise with a wider group of people in a positive manner. This is subject to my health, the political scenario at that given time etc. But, if not for politics, I would still be doing something for people after 60 as an activist anyway.

    3. I will offer to support my children with their children whenever they need a helping hand. But the role would be clearly as support and not as a primary care-giver. I will help my kids to transition from their care-free role to a family role if and when they chose to make a family. This would be huge if they chose a demanding career like me.
     
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  3. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    In USA, I have seen similar empty nester parents meeting in weekends. Having potluck.
    Men are still working.
    Women find it more difficult. Some take up part time jobs, volunteering.
    A known Indian Acquaintance of mine joined in cafeteria helper job in school.
    She seems to be happier as she is in touch with kids in school.

    I will never get the option of being an Empty Nester as being a parent of an SN adult. She is going to turn 20 this November. Wow Time flies fast.
    Maybe it's a Blessing in Disguise
     
  4. gamma50g

    gamma50g Gold IL'ite

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    Even with kids being at home, I feel life in US is so lonely for many reasons, some of which you have stated. Missing friends groups, unable to visit a temple regularly due to distance, bored of movies and eating out, no time for hobby class. I feel that folks in India have a better quality of life than us in USA socially and in terms of not being lonely. Every evening you just go out of your building there's so much activity that you take a stroll through it all and you feel refreshed.

    But as you grow older, US is the best place to be because the elderly have no respect in India. They are not valued unlike here in the US
     
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  5. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    my dd has moved to college. things are different. it makes me sad daily when i make food and buy dress . other than i have friends and mum to talk to .

    but it has affected my dh quite deeply. he seems to lost a purpose . he was helping her daily with school, drop pick. follow on work , out of school activities. now he is quite over focused on son . also taking lot of work at office. he is trying to pick another job in remote. he was always more focused on kids and this change has bothered him.
     
  6. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    Hmm..it feels deep to read all your messages..Is this feeling only for people abroad?
     
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  7. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    I am not sure. but again these are perspective opinions. I have noticed people who have always derived happiness or content in doing service go through such phase. they have hard time in doing something or finding something for themselves alone.
     
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  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Nice discussion. Interesting to read the various experiences.

    I used to dread the upcoming empty-nest stage, but it turned out not to be as bad as I’d feared. It doesn’t happen all at once; instead, it’s a gradual shift as kids become more independent through the high school years. I’m not even sure what "empty nest" fully means. For me, it’s mainly missing my child at dinner or in restaurants, or while grocery shopping when I see something they’d have liked. Walking past their room with no light peeking under the door was tough, too. But it never brought a feeling of loneliness or emptiness, just a fleeting melancholy maybe.

    Still, the house lost a bit of its warmth. Evening and weekends are when the quiet is most noticeable. I went all out and joined local groups, and now I have a fairly busy routine, especially in the weekends. These people aren’t really friends, but more like pleasant company with whom I share activities I enjoy. There’s a camaraderie—a shared goal, some celebrations. Maybe one or two could become friends, but honestly, maintaining new friendships takes a lot of energy. : ) The lack of shared history is obvious.

    Time helps. Now, I don’t miss my kids as intensely, and there’s always WhatsApp. I’m very grateful that we can have long, relaxed conversations, sometimes lasting one or two hours, with no advice-giving or problem-solving from me. Achieving that balance took hard work and lots of reading, introspection for me.

    One lesson I’ve learned from these empty-nest years is that everyone handles it differently. I stopped asking my DH and empty-nester friends to join me in the things I do. I’ll invite them once or twice for a particular event, and if they join, great. If not, I go on my own. : )

    The biggest change has been in how I approach fitness, outdoor time, and exercise—mainly because I can’t stand my house! I keep it clean and uncluttered, made small upgrades like a new rug, but my heart isn’t in it. Instead, I find myself buying random items from Temu for my kids’ apartments, which change every year. : )

    I also believe this stage might feel different in India. Here in the U.S., the quiet around us and the empty streets can be stark. To have a sense of life or liveliness around, it requires a lot of planning and design. And some engineering. : )
     
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  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    OK, I typed up what came to mind. Re-reading it feels very discouraging and deflating. Maybe it is the dayight time change so early darkness, zero kids came trick or treating in my street, the candy bowl is still by the door, and mixed feelings about election day.
     
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  10. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    It's hard to say for sure, but from my own experience and that of others I talk with in India and the U.S., I think it depends on how involved the parent was in the child’s life and how much they had going on outside of that. When a child leaves for college, it can be tough to start new things from scratch. It’s better to already have activities or interests not related to the child. Then, when the child leaves, the parent can use that free time to focus more on those things.
     

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