1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Emotionally Unavailable Husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by coffeecups, May 28, 2018.

  1. coffeecups

    coffeecups Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    433
    Likes Received:
    648
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Been married for 5 years. Nothing turbulent, nothing exciting.
    One major issue I had right from the start is H being introvert. Over years, due to this nature, I have started feeling emotionally lonely in this marriage.
    We almost live like room mates. I make sure he has food ready and a decent home to come to. ( Of course, with the help of maid and cook) In turn, he takes me out when I ask him to. Period.
    It keeps dragging like this for few weeks, till I can't take it anymore and a fight ensues ( yes, I only start the fight )
    At various points of married life I have tried compensating the emotional loneliness with external sources. My parents ( I am very much attached to them and they are a great emotional support ) my education and so on. But I realise all these are temporary.
    My husband feels I'm exaggerating the situation and try to pick up fights bcos I am bored. Currently I am not working and stay at home all day. My major interactions are with the cook and maid. I don't go out much esp since I'm pregnant, I have stopped using my 2 wheeler. I just know few ppl but none close enough to go and spend an evening with.
    On the other hand, husband works from 8 to 5 and sometimes has to be out at odd hours as per his job demands. He comes home and the next second switches on the Tv and gets glued to it till bed. I don't watch TV much and hence I'm no great company. If I initiate a conversation sitting next to him, he answers in mono syllables, which turns me off after some time and I just move away. He would have watched the same movie some hundred times, yet, doesn't answer something when spoken to, lest he miss the scene. Sometimes he just turns a deaf ear and it literally irritates me a lot.
    We have been on long car drives ( 6-8 hours) where we sit silently till the destination comes.
    He is the same with his parents and they are ok with it and in fact his mother gives some lame excuses to pacify me.
    I have spoken both gently and in heated arguments about how I feel about all this and I don't think he understands or doesn't care.
    I know some of you would suggest me to keep myself busy with something or the other and not be emotionally dependent on him.
    But that's easier said than done. Some quality time together, some emotional bonding is all I ask for. I am fed up living this room mate kind of life.
     
    Loading...

  2. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,174
    Likes Received:
    2,461
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    This happens at our home too. What I do ? I have made it a habit of watching some things that we both like together. Following a good series online, or a reality show or some movies. Check out a few options n see what you like to watch together n you can sit / lay down along with hubby, hold or play with hands, give him some kisses. You don't even have to talk to do that.

    About talking during tv time, our setup box has a recorder, so I pause the tv, talk, demand a reply n then play it back. He doesn't miss any scenes n I still get my time in between tv time.

    You start conversations, I generally start with a topic that interests him n move on to whatever I want. Men has the capacity to stay quiet for many hours, I personally can't, so I start off. Or also play some songs you both like n sing along.

    It shows that is his nature. That means you would have to put in "a lot" of effort to change or get a response.

    Ok, not gona say that then. :joycat:

    A counsellor doctor friend once told me that changing a character can be difficult but if you learn the way to make them respond to your way, it's a great success.

    So you want this to change, only you can change it. How? Start doing. I remember reading a post about a poster demanding reaction from her husband for every act. So say give a kiss if you want hot food, say I look beautiful when dressed up, want to enter the house- say or do the password n enter- password is a kiss or a compliment about you, make him do something for you for even the smallest thing. Start like that, come up with the cutest request of hugs, kisses for everything, 5 mins of telling about his day, so on. Say baby n mamma demands it. Get creative like that. Might annoy him in the beginning, soon he will get used to it. Don't fight or argue. Demand in the cutest / sweetest way possible.

    Since this is against his natural character, only you can do this. For him this is not even an issue n he can't understand why do you make a big deal out of this. So everytime you come up with your romantic demands, if he shows no interest, repeat it's important for you n don't back out.
     
    Zxcv, coffeecups, KamalaVasu and 2 others like this.
  3. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,414
    Likes Received:
    2,979
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    OP,

    When we are unhappy inside nothing can make us happy. Being busy is an effort to occupy our mind with some thing else so that we don't think too much about it. When one relate happiness to their spouse, even their silence can hurt one. Thats why many suggest one not to depend on some one to make us happy. I am sure, before your marriage you didnt depend on anyone to make you happy. But after marriage, wife some how link her happiness with dh because she is living with him full time and expect him to be a partner in everything .

    What you need now is accept him as he is . Have lot of patience and perseverance . Treat him like you want to be treated to shed his shyness and make him comfortable. Only then he can open up. Introverts need the deep comfort zone and take time to connect. He may have all those emotions you are looking for. But he find it difficult to express. At least make him listen to you. Be expressive verbally and more by actions. Tell him what you want. If you want hug or kiss tell him to do. If you like flowers, request him to buy for you. Mostly he may be struggling inside what to talk or how to. Show him how to do.. You may find it strange, but being an introvert myself, I think he will be able to shed his inhibitions if you treat him normally and be able to create a comfort zone.
    If you complain or create over his lack of expressing nature he will be confused and may go to his shell again and become silent.

    I am an introvert, so when someone including dh talks like I am unusual or abnormal, it turn me off and move me away . I can relate Your dh in someways. I don't have any problem talking to an audience but personal level interaction is very tough. But I don't have this problem with people who proactively talk to me. I reach my comfort zone. So be that proactive person. I am less sensitive to most people outside , but very sensitive to people close to me. So be careful not to hurt your dh for this introvert nature.
    I improved a lot over the years, but still struggles a lot if I sense something uncomfortable. I don't have this issue with my kids or mother . But to everyone comfort zone is a must to connect or open up. All my close friends faced this problem in the beginning . Most time my reply will be a word. So they don't have a chance to talk further. But once they crossed the boundary of my comfort zone, I guess they saw the real person and stay with me . They all are still my friends. But those who don't know me may think why she is so silent.

    I feel helpless and feel sad that I cannot do anything as it is beyond my control. I dont know what to talk or why to talk or how to react !!!

    Sometimes I ask why nature created me this way. If you are an extrovert and social person, you may find it difficult to understand our inner turmoil. That's why I mentioned it here.

    I feel sorry for my dh , a socially active person, that he is not able to understand it well even after many years of marriage . He ask me to be socially active . But I don't understand it well and it hurts me . I ask him why he thinks this way. I have good relation with his family, his friends and my close friends. Also I do everything one is supposed to do. I dont need more people like him. So when he complains it affects my confidence to interact . When I connect with a person, I maintains it very well. It is very sincere. I wish my husband to understand this problem little more.May be he don't have patience. I like him to initiate then only I can express from my side. Other way don't work well it may look awkward :)

    So OP, be careful handling this situation
    I am sure your husband loves you, may be he is sincere, sensitive but lack the ability to express. May be helpless & shy . If you want to convey, do it in a posive and loving way. If you go in negative way, he will shut down again and take time to open up. Express your concerns without complaining or fighting.

    Try to accept it, be expressive, proactive. But don't give up.it takes time to make him your way. You can do it .
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2018
  4. coffeecups

    coffeecups Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    433
    Likes Received:
    648
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks for replying.
    I'm able to understand how an introvert feels like.
    But how long should the other partner take up responsibility to keep the relationship active ?
    If I don't talk or I am not there in the room, he is very happy in his own world.
    No efforts from his side to make me feel like his partner. I long for some conversations and caring words.
    I seem lost sometimes and see myself in a failed relationship. One which never took off the way it should.
     
  5. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,414
    Likes Received:
    2,979
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    This clearly indicates it's difficult for an extrovert to understand an introvert. He needs more alone time to recharge than you. An introvert can be happy in their own world. It doesn't mean they don't love or long for their spouse. They think more than they talk or express. Their inability to express well may confuse others. They think something and may talk in a different way than intended. They don't get it when the other person think some thing is wrong. They don't get it very well. Allow him to be himself and be yourself. But keep the communication open.

    I don't have any problem initiating conversations with close circle. But it takes time with others. I can understand your frustration. So please convey to him that you are hurt and request him to listen or talk to you. But try to start discussion if you can. If he is not looking at you. Ask him to look at your eyes and talk. Demand it. Also try to touch, hug and kiss him as much as you can.

    Communication is the key. Whether he talk or not, you can convey to him what you want. Ask him for a moment, pause tv , look at you and then talk. Talk only when he is ready to listen.

    I can be happy in my own world but like you I relate my happiness with dh. I don't know the male perspective. Many men including my socially active dh is not so expressive. Look like they don't understand well what we are longing for. May be thats the way they are wired. May be that's why they think our concerns are silly. But there are exceptions, I agree. If you can convey some thing in a jovial or funny way do that way. When he don't express well, may be you are not feeling connected. It's the problem with arranged marriage, a union of two strangers with no emotional bond. It takes time .Never give up and never lose hope. Change should come from him. All you can control is your response and the way you handle the situation.

    Take it easy. Don't think about it too much and stress yourself . Be yourself and behave normal. Take care of yourself and try to reduce your emotional dependence on him. It's all in our mind. Try to see his positive side and enforce it. Be positive .
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2018
    coffeecups likes this.
  6. coffeecups

    coffeecups Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    433
    Likes Received:
    648
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi thanks for taking time out to reply.
    Probably there is more to an introvert than I thought I knew.
    I try doing stuff like engaging him in conversation, asking him to mute the volume button while I talk, sometimes I ask him to turn off the TV, if the conversation is important. I can see that he doesn't like that and does it so reluctantly.
    Same with going out. Frankly I expect to go out once a week or so and that too is done so reluctantly.
    But he is ready with his own wants and expectations and communicates well then. Like for eg, he is a cleanliness freak esp when it comes to using plates and stuff for eating and cross checks with me, whether I have cleaned it, inspects it and if not satisfied cleans himself.
    It's not that he is cool about everything. Just that he is very lax about relationships and doesn't put in effort. That irritates me after a point. He has communication issues with close circle ( parents, me ) and doesn't bother to improve. I also feel angry at my mil for not teaching him the importance of relationships. Do ppl turn introverts due to circumstances or is it just in their genes ! Vent over !
     
  7. silentlistener

    silentlistener Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    301
    Likes Received:
    232
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Male
    This is the same way he would be with his parents his colleagues and even with this best friends too.

    Your husband is not alone. Many of my male friends are similar to your husband. They don't naturally talk freely with emotional involvement even with their best very close male friends also ; the same is the case when it comes to their interaction with the woman in their lives too.

    Some of the old members may refuse to agree with me ,"Hey wait a minute! my hubby and my brother is not like that. They talk freely, involuntarily with emotional investment". I's quite possible. For Such men who have learnt to talk freely and voluntarily with emotional involvement to the women in their lives, it is a learnt skill. This particular skill of Talking freely with emotional involvement does not come naturally to any man. It is a learnt skill; he has to learn it by the understanding that by this particular action of talking with emotional involvement his wife feels connected.

    One general exception to the above situation is when men drink alcohol with their friends That is the time ,under the influence of intoxication they talk so freely with lots of emotional investment. Otherwise in men's World the process of Talking is for exchange of data , not for emotional involvement.

    However with patient and persistent efforts, a sympathetic husband can definitely learn to talk with emotional involvement to his wife.

    For him, it's a skill to be learnt, of course to be able to talk freely and voluntarily without alcohol!!
     
    Last edited: May 29, 2018
    coffeecups likes this.
  8. Minion

    Minion Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    647
    Likes Received:
    629
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Male
    @coffeecups it will be a difficult task to change him even if he changes it wil look artificial so you either accept him or think about seperation and start a new life, your DH can only be compatable with another introvert.
     
    citygirl likes this.
  9. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    5,370
    Likes Received:
    10,446
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    As someone rightly said, it is very difficult for an extrovert to understand an introvert and the reasons behind their silence.
    It is very difficult to change your self from being introvert to stay talkative and lively for others. For some, it is impossible.
    As you said, your introvert H is very happy in his own world, and hence he doesn't see the reason behind your nagging.
    Besides, you being an extrovert too don't seem to understand the fact that your introvert H can not change just like that.
    It takes time, sincere effort and for some, it is not something changeable.

    Having said that, you don't need to suffer or feel lonely in this life just because your H is an introvert.
    Being introvert doesn't make him and unloving or unhappy person to live with. It is just that he doesn't know how to express or cope.

    My H was an introvert to some extend, and he feels very happy to be himself and with his TV, Tab and in his bedroom.
    He is not a gossip person, or not someone very friendly to talk to about everything under the sky.
    But I didn't have anyone other than him at some points of my life to share my world with. At that time, I was extremely an extrovert and keeping mum almost all the time made me mad.

    Eventually, I found myself being very close to my mom in channeling out this extra energy and talks, as we talk everything under the sky ranging from gossips to cinema to friends, work and all.
    It didn't affect my relationship with H, as we both shared what interested both.

    Then kids came, and they shared a lot of their times talking to me.

    Slowly I resumed my friendship with all those lost friends, and there will be someone or the other on phone, or on-line, lining up to talk to me.
    I have colleagues who share a close friendship with me, and we talk a lot too.

    But I still share a great bond with my H. We share our romance, cuddling, hugging, kissing, and genuine affection with limited words.
    What interests both are our career, problems, family, kids and food.
    That's more than enough to occupy our time together.

    You need to seriously find a way to channel out your talks. Find some friends, or family member who can share with you and talk to. Not necessarily the same person all the time. Find who ever is ready to pass time with you on any given mode.
    Don't nag your H or fight with him for this.
    Enjoy whatever the bonding and time you both have together on the things you two like to spend with.

    Congratulations on your pregnancy. Stay blessed
     
  10. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,414
    Likes Received:
    2,979
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    OP,

    Introversion is not an excuse for not meeting a partner’s need. Both have to reach a middle ground. You have to analyse whether there is any relationship issue or something else. Is he taking care of you well. Is he a loving and caring person. If not let him know your concerns well, your needs and expectations.

    Its OK to be different -allow him to be him self and never stop being yourself. Try to spend more time together, arrange date nights etc...Spend sometime as a couple every day if you can. Touch often. Tell him you need it and so he will also be mentally tuned.

    Take baby steps. You can satisfy your social need by interacting with others , their by bringing more energy into your life. But as a couple both of you should be comfortable and happy. He can have his alone time , you can have your social time. At the same time you should have couple time too. Convince him about it. You can do it. Take care
     

Share This Page