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Emotionally Drained!

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by BeingSoulful, Jul 4, 2017.

  1. BeingSoulful

    BeingSoulful Silver IL'ite

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    Apologies for the long post, but I am here to vent & seek any valuable suggestions from you ladies.

    For some background, this was posted earlier this year – http://indusladies.com/community/threads/10-years-of-relationship-wedding-called-off.299441/

    My sister was in a confused on & off relationship for years, when they were about to tie the knot she called off 15 days before the wedding due to too many issues with the guy. After this episode, with her consent my parents immediately searched another alliance, she did not like the guy, and she did not express this to my parents. They asked her to take time, think & make a decision in few days (2-3). My parents are very conservative, so she basically never spoke to the guy. But verifying all the other details about family & guy, everything seemed fine since we knew the guy’s family well.

    We got the guy’s acceptance & when my parents were about to check her consent she vanished. I mean she simply left home without telling anyone, without acknowledging the anything; she did this for the 3rd time in last 4 years. 2nd time she left home about a year ago & got back home only for this wedding (one she broke). Now when she was pressurized she again left so every time she has to make a decision, make a choice she leaves. It’s so easy, isn’t it!

    Why am I being affected here?!

    My biggest sin according to my parents was getting married before my elder sister. I married my best friend; at the time of my marriage my sister had confirmed she would be marrying her boyfriend. My parents were never happy with both since it was love marriages. I was told they can’t have both the girls at home & since my in-laws were little pushy back then, they wanted me to marry the same year. Now after 2 years, they blame it all on me, no one at talks to me apart from my sister & dad. Nobody will listen to me either.

    My sister has no money, no job, no friends, & I can go on.. So I send her money, helped her rent a place, taking care of her from quite sometime. My frustration is about everything she put of all us & to add on, she is always at home, every time I ask her about job, she says she has been interviewing, she is not been able to clear interviews & this is going on from last 1year. The moment I get pushy she takes offense, as long as I don’t talk anything against her, I don’t talk about marriage, and she is fine. If I do raise these topics, she will stop talking to me, stop using wtsapp.

    Not that I don’t understand her state of being broken, away from family, away from they guy she loved & things just did not work. I do understand & acknowledge every bit of her pain. But she is doing nothing about it, she is always at home, alone, helpless, no food, no job situation. I feel sick sitting 1000s of kms away from her, not able to concentrate of my job, my family here, being worried about her all the time. I encourage her to get into any job even if it’s a simple job just to get out of the house, pursue her hobbies, I also tried pushing her to seek counseling, NOTHING has worked, and she does nothing. On weekends I call her, talk to her for hrs about things she can do to heal. I also try not to talk about of this all the time, I keep it casual but remind her of things she should do before I let her go.

    We are middle class family, DH is a gem, says nothing against whatever I do, and supports me all ways he can. Supporting her financially is getting very difficult (she is high maintenance too), we plan to live in US only for few years & return home with some savings where we can build our lives. Every time I transfer money, I feel guilty of not telling my husband, at the same time I also feel responsible towards her, and I hate these mixed emotions! L

    This is emotionally very disturbing as well since she cries to me on the phone about missing mom & dad. About everything that has happened, some times she is so positive, she assures everything will change for good & after a while she is so negative, it scares me so much. I don’t really believe in horoscope but after some things in life you tend to have some belief developed, so as per her horoscope she should get by this September otherwise she might never marry, she is turning 30 this month. What if she is alone all her life, she is not even career oriented, these what if’s? & ALL of emotions, thoughts are draining me…!
     
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  2. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    your sister needs to get a job.its not ur responsibility
     
  3. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    no.ur vmarriage did not affect hers.she broke with her boyfriend due vto other reasons
     
    BeingSoulful likes this.
  4. BeingSoulful

    BeingSoulful Silver IL'ite

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    Yea, I agree! So my parents think if I wasn't married, they could tell her she has an unmarried sister & push her to commit, typical Indian parents drama. I know I am not responsible for what happ with her but they make me feel sick saying I only thought about my life. Now that I am married, every family who steps in checking for sister have these questions on why the younger one was married first.
     
  5. prestine

    prestine Silver IL'ite

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    Hi op,

    Why are you so emotionally connected to your sister? She is enjoying all this attention from you and your parents. Tell her that you guys are financially struggling and ask her to get a job.

    By financially supporting, you are doing more bad to her. With no money, she would have started to work or would have went back to parents home. So you are stopping her from doing these. I think you are feeling guilty and fearing that she might stop talking to you.

    For a change, treat her like an adult, let she decide what she wants to do. Ask her to stop self sympathizing and think what she wants to do next. Teach her to take decisions under pressure. This life has lot to offer.
     
  6. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes. This happens in India.
     
  7. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 Finest Post Winner

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    You are in tough situation, But I think you don't have much to do here. Your sister too must know she is 30 and high time she settles in career. At 30 if she keeps running away from home when she has to take a decision, it means that she couldn't open with her parents. That's the equation your parents and her should work out.

    Your parents blaming you is just emotional blackmail.
    <<Hugs>> hope this problem get sorted out soon.
     
    BeingSoulful likes this.
  8. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Why would someone work when they are getting all the money they need for free? As long as you keep helping her financially, she will never be pushed to get a job and move on.

    You getting married early was not your mistake, your mistakes are...

    - Letting your parents or others bully you for their failures when it came to your sister, all that blaming is a lame excuse to keep people off from pointing at them, so they are ok as long as it's you because why should you alone be happy when they are feeling miserable? Don't let anyone feel bad or guilty for you living your life.

    - guilt - feeling like you are to blame for anything that went wrong in your sisters life is wrong. She runs away when things gets toUgh, how's that's your fault. understand that she is not a child, she made her decisions then and she can make it now without you spoon feeding her.

    - enabling her - it is said that there is always an enabler when one continues to go down a bad path instead of doing anything abt it. If your sis has to hit the rock bottom to start climbing up, let her hit it. You will help her only if you stop helping.

    Tell your sister that your dh found out about the money and you are going through hell or that you are having serious financial issues and that you won't be able to help anymore. But whatever the reason, stop the money NOW.

    If anyone points finger at you anymore, point it right back at them. Ask them to tell future prospects that you got pregnant before marriage so had to get you married and that you are the black sheep of the family. Done! Will that make them happy?

    Take a break from her. Don't talk to her on the phone. If she doesn't have you to talk, she will reach out to your parents or some friends as she won't have anyone else to talk.
    Tell her you are doing something or going somewhere or your dh is angry that you can't be reachable or speak to her for a while.

    Focus on your dh and your family. Just because he is a nice guy, that doesn't mean you can take it for granted and spending money behind his back. Would you be ok if he does this behind your back? Is this all worth risking your marriage? or hurting him? or him to lose faith In you? Do you really want to put him through all this disappointment, pain and secrets? If things turns bad, where can you even go back to ? A family that blames you for everything or to the sister who needs you to do everything for her?

    Until unless you deal this with firm hand, you will be the loser in the end. Lose money, lose peace, lose respect, risking your marriage and in the end when she rejoins the family, she will get everything and you, nothing. So it's upto you.
     
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2017
  9. nolife

    nolife Silver IL'ite

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    Hii,
    Ideally your sister should stay with parents and try job but rather she is nicely loving and enjoying the freedom with money you send..
    I feel your parents are getting jealous of your happiness and blaming you for their incompatibility.
    It is high time you think of your husband and plan your family. Simply tell your sister and parents that you had a fight with your hubby and he is not allowing you to send money as this will save your relationship with parents and they cannot say anything against son in law.. you have done what you are required to do. Too much of negativity from them is also not good for you. By doing this, uour sister will be forced to get married or get a job and your parents cannot take burden for your sister for giving money. Rather they will encourage her to get married.
     
  10. BeingSoulful

    BeingSoulful Silver IL'ite

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    Fear is more about how she will manage all by herself, you are right I should treat her like an adult and let it be, that's exactly what I am doing right now. I spoke to her during the holiday and she said she needs to pay rent in a week, I simply said yes these are challenges, so face it, I dint initiate any financial help, infact I already denied a few times she asked me money. Thanks for you reply, hope I remain this strong!:)
     
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