Emotional & rational mind

Viswamitra · Dec 16, 2013

We have two components of mind and one is emotional and the other is rational. When we are in deep stress, the emotional mind takes over and our decisions become convoluted. Even brilliant, well educated members of IL that are perfectly capable of writing their issues in an immaculate fashion, struggle to present their thoughts coherently. What causes this? Their personal involvement in the issue clouds their clear thinking and end up writing their issues in a fashion that is not easily understandable to the fellow members. I am not suggesting that one should not seek help from the fellow ILites. In fact, seeking help from the fellow ILites is the right step as they could use their rational mind and provide invaluable solutions to the problems of these members. I am only suggesting that before writing emotionally charged problems, one should think what they are seeking thereby allowing the rational mind to think the issue, reason for the issue, who initiated it, what are the probable outcomes, etc.

[FONT=&amp]While making decisions and judgment relating to our spouse, parents, inlaws, friends, etc., we need to ask our rational mind to present the problem than the emotional mind. We need to apply highest level of love and compassion before rushing to a judgment. Friendships and relationships are building blocks of our life and require an extraordinary effort to nurture them. By saying inappropriate words or doing inappropriate actions, we might end up ruining a life that we struggled to put together very well. Our parents and siblings would have spent time and effort to construct a wonderful life for us and we should not destroy that unless there is a good reason that is derived from our rational mind.[/FONT] [FONT=&amp]It is not easy task to make decisions and judgment especially when it involves our own kith and kin. All of us make such decisions or pass judgment concerning others a sometime in our lives. It is inevitable but how and when we make that evaluation is critical. In our professional life, we make decisions and judgment every day. We evaluate our colleagues and in some cases students’ performances. However, when we make such evaluation, we would have maintained meticulous records of their performances over a period of time. This type of evaluation is fairly straight-forward and easier to do. On the other hand, there are times when we might make judgments when we really shouldn’t.[/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]On some occasions, we might be emotionally distraught. Perhaps, the spouse has angered us or upset us in some way. This distress destabilizes our peace of mind, and it’s at these particularly vulnerable times when we should either show extra caution or better still, refrain from passing judgment or taking serious decisions. When we’re all emotional, this can cloud our mechanism for rational thought. Strong emotions like anger can drown out our logical thinking processes. We need clarity of mind to make well-thought out decisions. Being level-headed and having clear presence of mind, when the heat of argument or the pressure of a situation is bearing down on us, is extremely hard to maintain. Most of the time, even legacy of emotions we carried earlier, influences our decision on a new experience. It is very important we rationally review each experience in isolation without jeopardizing our thoughts with past happenings. It is better to review our experience from other person’s angle to come to a proper conclusion. Our relationship with each person has bundle of experiences. It is necessary to think about great experiences we had with that person when we feel burned in a new experience. [/FONT] [FONT=&amp]

I have seen members writing in this forum expressing their problems and concerns. For obvious reasons, they decide not to provide all details as it is always difficult to share personal life in a public domain. Members respond based on their experiences not knowing full information about the specific issue with best intention of helping the troubled ILite. However, the IL member who is raising this issue should be fully aware that situations and circumstances might be different in each case. Each person is different as well and even spouse involved might be doing it for different reasons. The IL member raising the issue should take opinions from other members and make a rational decision understanding their own situations and circumstances. In some situations, it would be better to take professional help. [/FONT]

superwoman09 · Dec 16, 2013

Every situation is different. Every reaction/response is different. ILites gather/infer on the basis of what is written and provide their response. This will be okay if the person who has written down the problem is thinking rationally rather than emotionally. If the OP is emotional and has only written down their perception of the problem rather than the actual problem itself then the responses he/she gets will be likewise. In a serious case it is always better to get professional help. IL is best when you want a shoulder to lean on, when one needs to vent out, when one just needs a caress reassuring that things will be alright.

Viswamitra · Dec 16, 2013

Dear Superwoman,

That is exactly my point and it looks like we are in violent agreement. IL members are very knowledgeable and provide emotional support as well as rational ideas depending on the amount of information provided by the member. The concerned member may have to decide what is appropriate.

Viswa

Rihana · Dec 16, 2013

Did I miss part I ?

Viswamitra · Dec 17, 2013

Dear Rihana,

Did this post give an impression that there is one more post before this one? I am sorry, if it did. This is the only one I wrote.

Viswa

prettydevil · Dec 17, 2013

Viswa sir, With all due respect

At professions and otherwise, we take judgement and make our own call, coz we have been trained and taught about it. Our views and discussions are open and we do get brownie points as well

But when it comes to personal level, especially after marriage, the teachings suddenly differ from the origin. The strong individuals they are brought up as, suddenly perishes their personality.

Most woman don't find it feasible enough to share it with parents concerning for them/their health or what so ever reason. Also they feel so dejected that even a help from a known individual seems to lower their self esteem.

That's where, they find it more comfortable to share it in an anonymous platform, so that no one can judge their real self. When they find such comfort, they don't care if they write rationally or emotionally (a few are careful using words though), coz they don't feel that they owe any explanation to anyone or feel embarrassed, as oppose to the real world.

With a rational or an emotional mind, penning down their own side, doesn't make them selfish or their post less true, hypothetically. It ofcourse might bring only one side of the story, but atleast by doing that, they get a way of expressing their own point of view, being their own self and finding calmness. In the real world they are already being judged much by the close ones.

What will be the difference left between the real world and this platform, if the ladies here have to 'think' and post. The words of criticism, as it is revolve in their mind always, they do not need any more of it, rather a relief a from it.

I don't know what I wrote is relevant to your post, but just felt like. If at any point you felt disrespected, then my apologies and its purely not intentional.

Viswamitra · Dec 17, 2013

Dear IG,

You are right that it serves as solace to the person suffering from pain. I have the same view as PD in her response to me. Perhaps, it is a good place for the members to share it in the forum without disturbing the family environment. First of all, my suggestion in the above post was to emphasize that the person involved is in a better position to understand the situation better than anyone else. Secondly, the OP's might not share all of the information due to obvious reason of not exposing their personal life in a public domain even if they write in a totally new ID.

The honorable members are only providing suggestions and they are not making any judgment. I feel the OP using her rational mind as opposed to emotional mind is the best solution not only for posting the issue but for resolving it afterwards. It is my humble opinion that one should understand the problem rationally before trying to solve it. On the contrary, if the post is emotional only for the purpose of venting the feeling, it probably helps sharing to reduce stress but still doesn't solve the problem.

Viswa

Viswamitra · Dec 17, 2013

Dear PD,

There is no way I will feel disrespected for such a wonderful feedback from you. Honest feedback is always welcome whether it is favorable or not. Besides, you have responded to me for my earlier posts and I know that you have mutual respect for other members.

First of all, I wanted to clarify my intention is not to suggest that respected members should not share their issues with fellow members. I have noticed that fellow members also are very kind in sharing their views and suggestions. Everyone is responsible and knows that our job is not to make a judgment but to be helpful to the members who need help.

But I have seen some occasions where OP presented the problem in Indus Ladies and when members suggested something sensible based on limited information presented by OP, she got very agitated that other members have not understood the problem. When I present my issues in a public domain, I should be ready to accept the suggestions given in the forum gracefully whether it is favorable or unfavorable unless it is a personal attack on the individual. That is my humble opinion.

Where I respectfully disagree with you is when one uses emotional mind and present her view, she won't get peace of mind irrespective of whether the responses are positive or negative. The real peace of mind can be achieved only when the conflict arising in the mind is resolved rationally. That is my humble opinion. Who am I to object to the members posting their emotions in this forum as long as they post it with a good understanding that only a rational post logical in content perhaps can result in good suggestions from the members.

In my opinion the difference is the members in this honorable forum will not judge unlike the people in the real world as they already feel connected as one family in the virtual world. I agree with you that they don't need any more criticism from the virtual world if they are hurting. What in case, based on information provided by the OP, members feel that she is at fault, do you expect members to stay away from this post without suggesting that the problem is at her end? Apparently, it is not morally correct. In my opinion, whether it is positive or negative, the members will share their honest view to the OP. If it is viewed as further criticism, it does not help her. That is why I am suggesting that the OP should thing rationally before posting it.

I hope I make sense. Please bear with me if I don't. I always have respect for you and I will never feel disrespected by your responses.

Viswa

Ansuya · Dec 17, 2013

Viswa, true to form, you have turned one of your characteristically keen observations into a thought-provoking post. I am a habitual responder to many threads where OPs have problems, often of a highly emotional or sensitive nature. Previously, I think I used to sugar-coat my answers, in an effort to avoid hurting feelings. But I also got the feeling, a lot of the time, that the true import of my words or advice often got lost in the morass of words I was using in an effort to "be nice".

So, the question is, what should a standard, helpful response do? It's a fine line to walk between telling the OP what she wants to hear, and telling the OP what she needs to hear. Do we serve the needs primarily of the OP, or do we also serve the needs of the other people embroiled in her situation? I like to speak primarily for children, but I also won't hesitate to stand up for husbands, MILs, or anyone else who may appear to be in the right despite what OP is reporting.

The truth is, I have no standard MO. I think it helps to go on a case by case basis. What would help is if the OP made her needs clear from the outset. I have seen quite a few threads lately that have the word "vent" in the title. To me, that means someone just needs a sympathetic ear, and not necessarily any advice or "fixing". It's good for an OP to have that level of self-awareness, and be up front about what they expect from the forum.

But a lack of self-awareness is often what brings OPs here in the first place. They cannot step outside of their problems and detach long enough to see a way out. So they need some impartial, third party to do this for them. Ideally, that's where we come in.

This detachment might be what you are referring to, Viswa, when you talk of the emotional versus the rational mind. But this process, of letting go of ego, emotions, and the sentimental attachment to ideas, people, and ideas about people, is often a painful one, and the OP is not always grateful for this too-clinical perspective.

So, what's a sensitive, compassionate, well-meaning advice-giver to do (haha)? I figure I'm in a better position than the OP to take a few bullets. It used to bother me, but now I can let it go. But people don't usually get angry at strangers on the internet unless those strangers have struck a nerve. Even if my advice appears not to have been taken very well, I can live with it. Even if the OP appears to be offended or angry, maybe I have given her something to think about, anyway, when she is alone and can be perfectly honest with herself.

And maybe I was 100% wrong in what I said, and she can just shrug it off and we both go our separate ways with no hard feelings. After all, as some astute people on this thread have already pointed out, we're basically working blind here, with incomplete stories and partial perspectives and little to no context or history.

Viswa, your reasoning makes perfect sense, but I wonder how reasonable it would be for most OPs here (the ones in real turmoil) to be expected to have such clarity of thought and mastery over their minds and emotions. And when one is already vulnerable, even fairly innocent suggestions can sting. It all depends on strength of character, personality, and state of mind.

What you are suggesting is something I have seen before on IL, where OPs with problems are gracious and receptive to suggestions, even if these suggestions are not entirely easy to implement, or come with recommendations for self-analysis or self-awareness. So, there is a balance, and I guess that's what keeps bringing me back.

That, and an effort to avoid doing any real work in the real world.

And now I must stop, because I've already lost Radhai.