Emotional conundrum

Ritu28 · Jun 23, 2009

Long story short ,I have been married for 41/2 years and have a 3 year old kid.Had my share of fights and arguements with inlaws which involved my parents too.Husband has been supportive enough but only in absence of his parents otherwise he too is a mamas boy.Inlaws came to US to stay with us for some time but gave me tough time .I didnt say anything that time but after going back to India I "confronted" them with my hubbys permission,just to understand what is the problem exactly?.He adviced me to have healthy conversation but the conversation took ugly turn and everything was a mess.That involved my parents too, it was a blame game and it left us all shattered.I learned the lesson hard way whatsoever never confront inlaws:hide:.
Now the situation is I have been thinking and acting positively ...I dont want my hubby to suffer just because I dont get along with his parents.And have been trying hard to please them.Though we are staying far away from them but I am not able to take them out of my mind and its like they are with me every second.I call them 2-3 times a week.Before it used to be everyday where I was suppose to give details to mil and on weekends the chatting was must for half of the day.I never opposed .Now we only talk and that too my husband calls once a week and I call 2-3 times.Where the conversation is very formal.Good for me.They never ask about how their son is (Fil has stopped talking to me),he is the elder son and used to give every detail to him,nowdays its very formal conversation which makes me uncomfortable.It makes me think I am the culprit to ruin their relation.In short they have cut their relation with us and I am trying hard to make it better.My husband too has realised all this and he too has reduced his talking but its me who force him to call and talk to his parents.It is but obvious after what happened but I accept their behaviour towards me not with their son.everytime I call them it leaves me feeling guilty and angry towards me.I never wanted things turned this way...but they are now and I am not ready to accept it.Bil too is acting weird towards his brother....its like they dont involve him in their family anymore.I am afraid of attending the marriage ceremony of bil now.Am I doing the right thing by forcing my husband and myself to set things right.?I know many of you will think I am crazy ...I come to the forum with same problem...but believe me the forum has helped me a lot to came out of depression when worst things were happening to me.

tiyamommy · Jun 23, 2009

ritu

You are doing the right thing, ur post shows u r a good person.
That is the reason u even want to have cordial relations. Do try until u feel it's enough. It may not have worked for many of us, but who knows ur IL's understand u r really trying to work out things.
Almost every household has it's share of tiffs and misunderstandings.
But , don't go overboard that u start feeling frustrated and spoil ur family life here.

Good luck..

cheers
tiyamommy

Abhirami · Jun 27, 2009

Sometimes tears are the best solution to such problems. When you go to India to attend the wedding, at an opportune time, break down in front of MIL and FIL and say that If because of your fault they are going to penalize hubby, then you are sorry for what you said. Tell them it is OK for them to not talk to you but they should at least not treat their son (who loves them so much) that way. Say your heart pains when you see him upset because they are giving him the cold shoulder.

This will serve two purposes- they will soften up a bit because they will see your love for their son. And you are not bending to their wishes. You are in fact saying you are not interested in talking to them but their son is.

Do you think this will solve the problem?

Ritu28 · Jun 29, 2009

Thanks Abhirami.I appreciate your inputs.But the last time where I mentioned that I confronted them that also included my suggestion that if nobody is happy with me I am ready to get out of relationship.My husband can not see his parents unhappy and his parents can not be happy with me so that was the option I suggested{ I know I am crazy but I was so frustrated that I really was considering the separation) only after that people backed down.Else matter would have been more complicated.But I did all the tear drama for the way they treated their son.....but you tell me if they really had or have soft corner for my tears would they behave in such a manner when I am continuosly trying to patch up.Well to add more to this story nowadays suddenly my husband has developed a very emotional side for his family.....after that particular event he avoided talking about them.But he continues to stay aloof with my parents.Now when I will go back to attend the marriage its me who will get the cold shoulders not my husband afterall blood is thicker than water.
So my problem is of no more concern......I have to turn dead during my stay there.Hope I will be able to survive without affecting myself too much.

Abhirami · Jun 29, 2009

When has life ever been fair to females. Anyway, the point of tears was not to melt their hearts but just to show them that your husband wants to reconnect the bond (Men cannot cry or say such things directly to their parents). You are just a medium.

You can stay out of the relationship and they can ignore you (If you read all the other suffering DIL posts, maybe this is for the best!!). But at least you will have the satisfaction that you did not cause a big rift between them.