Emotional Abuse In Marriage

@BhumiBabe- good for you, that you have decided to walk away. What you have described of physical abuse even as pinching/ nudging doesn't happen in a good relationship. Arguments- yes, fights- yes.
Hitting/ mindgames/ controlling/ minimizing someone in front of people-- NOPE.

Why? Once you say the word divorce or make up your mind- don't empathize with your husband. Yes, he is the father of your child, doesn't mean he is a good person. He is not a good person to you.
Question yourself- if he is a good person, will he emotionally/ physically abuse you? Why does he need empathy from you, when you are the victim?

Don't say you love him.

Your husband will encash your empathy and really will have no problem in hurting you, either in getting hold of child custody or making things look "everything is your fault".
Stop empathize with your husband when you stepping into divorce.

My 2 cents-
* Assure your parents, this is the right thing for you- Now your parents are willing to support ( even they at some point may feel bad or be sympathetic to your struggles or may repent or advice against divorce) Expect this and whenever they say something along those lines, give assurance to them. It's the right thing for you and your child. They just want that assurance from you. They truly don't want you to be in a bad relationship.

* Only you know your struggles, not your parents not us on IL. We and your parents are just listening and trying to imagine your struggles and give the best advice what we think we would do. But you are the person who is facing the fire every day, not us or your parents. So, don't let anyone shake your decision.

* Take some time, talk to the therapist if this is what you truly want. Don't compromise for your son, your parents, your in-laws.

* It's going to be difficult- expect things to not go smoothly in your divorce or life after divorce.

*Have real expectations from life/ your husband/ your parents. You know them better, expect the worse treatment from your husband after you have told your decision. He may not take it well, mentally be prepared and have an alternate to spending the night or the week if your husband is going to behave badly. You don't need to take **** from him for walking away.

* have real expectations from your parents too- don't over share, don't let them make you regret your decision or make you feel bad- that you are letting them down ( not that they would, I am saying it in general).

* When you walk away from your husband, try to not live with your parents- Even if they insist that you move back with them. Try not to. It's a tempting offer for emotional support and help with your child. Don't cut them off- but take your own place, seek help from them for childcare and stuff like that. But refuse to live with them. I am only saying this because sometimes parents fail to recognize that you would have different expectations post divorce and you need to form your identity of who you are coming out of an abusive marriage. You are not the same bhumibabe you were before you got married, sometimes parents love & affection may feel like restriction/not on the same page/ they don't understand what you want or desire.

* Don't second guess your decision.

* Connect with single parents/single mommies in your area, don't have to tell a lot about yourself. Give a brief introduction as a new single mom working through separation. You will know or learn how they cope or make a friend who has been in your situation.

Goodluck.

 

I like the comment. I have been on airplanes a few times in my life... and the announcement about how we must EACH put our oxygen masks on first, and make sure it works, before trying to help anyone else .... always sounds like a generic advice for most things in life.

The loss of cabin pressure, is like the loss of all fine feelings one ought to have in one's marriage.

 

Bhumibabe- Let me try to explain why your empathy makes you a weak person in the divorce. I am sorry if I come too strong, it's not my intention hurt you.

Yes, both of you have felt it, but both of you went ahead and got married. However, only one ( that's you) is trying to make it work. He has long given up. He is trying to make you the responsible party for awhile now. Don't be angry with him, don't empathize with him either.
He took away your prime age, he got married knowing that you both didn't connect and didn't make an effort to even try to connect/ understand/ adjust in the marriage.

I quite understand I myself am a forgive, forget and move on types. However, don't try to empathize or try to find meaning or give reasons for your husband's behavior. Only if 2 hands hit, you will hear a clap; meaning your husband is very much to be blamed even though you don't want to resent him.

I totally get what you are saying. Don't perceive your husband as a monster- you are giving all the power to him and you are making yourself a bigger monster so you feel capable of defeating him. The process is making you feel hate/ negativity what not.

Just see him as a person who wasted your time. As a mere dust, who sat on your shoulder taking up your time/ space/ energy - you just need to clean it, in a calm manner and move on.

Dont empathize with him period. There is no too much or too little. Empathy is an emotion, not a language ( in a language you get it or you dnot) but emotions are the same throughout the world.
Emotions can hinder you and may make you a bit vulnerable during divorce. That's the only reason.
I am sure your husband has his struggles/ his negatives & positives. But its you who we are trying to support. So stay strong and don't empathize.

 

Hi,

You are right you have to stay strong during this phase, specially for the sake of your kid. Initially it might be difficult but everything will fall in place

1. I would rather suggest you, to first get yourself financially independent (in case if you are not working), when you will file for divorce / separation the first question will arise about the upbringing of your kid.
2. I disagree with the idea of yourself to move out from the house (In case if the house you stay is self owned not rented), instead the husband should be the one who should be leaving (One of our family friend in India has made her husband leave the house for his abusive behavior, wife and kids continued staying in the house and the Home loan installments was borne by husband, almost after 3 to 4 years the husband rectified his mistake and now they are happily settled again).
3. I personally believe husband and wife should act as a team for the family (it cannot be a one man show)

Good Luck and take care

 

I think you need to consult a lawyer on what is the best strategy to move forward. On the one hand, you would not want to spend a minute longer in that house because it must be suffocating. On the other hand, it best for you and your child that you continue living in that house in order to maintain your claim on it. I don't know what the procedure is on getting him to move out. In any case, any property or earnings accumulated during the marriage are marital property and anything either of you earned or bought before your marriage is yours alone. If the house was bought after your marriage was registered then it comes under the category of marital rather than separate property. So, what I am trying to say is you have strong claim on the house and as the mother you have a strong case for primary custody of your child. Courts in Western countries are generally sympathetic towards women, especially in cases of emotional and physical abuse.