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Emotional Abuse In Marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by BhumiBabe, May 8, 2017.

  1. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    Yesterday, I came to a realization that I have to leave my marriage. It's not my mood swings or something I can control that is causing my problems. I keep thinking, I should leave, but I don't because of the respect I have toward my parents and my in-laws.

    I started reading up on domestic violence/abuse, and I realized something shocking. Many of things listed actually happen in my life, and I've come to accept them. In fact, my culture encourages that behavior. Naturally, I am disgusted with my family and myself for continuing to stay in my marriage. But, I also want to share what domestic violence could mean.

    You are the victim of emotional abuse if your partner:

    • Repeatedly gives you destructive criticism, verbal threats and browbeating. (for example, commenting about perceived shortcomings, name calling)
    • Always claims to be right.
    • Excludes you from making decisions and claims to be the head of the household.
    • Abuses your trust by lying, hiding important information and papers, cheating or being inappropriately jealous.
    • Minimizes or denies abusive behavior.
    • Constantly shows disrespect, puts you down or embarrasses you in front of others.
    • Harasses you by following you or checking up on you.
    • Prevents you from seeing your relatives or friends or insists on going everywhere with you. (Isolation)
    • Monitors your phone calls.
    • Makes you think you are crazy
    • Makes you feel bad about yourself
    • Plays mind games
    • Treats you as if you are a servant
    • Controlling what you do (for example, financially; monitoring activities)
    • Controlling your activities outside the home
    11 of these things listed, happen in my life... While I have always been pretty involved in Women's health and Women's shelters, I never thought that it would actually happen in my life. Frankly, it's embarrassing.

    Do you know what physical abuse entails?
    • Pinching
    • Tripping
    • Punching
    • Grabbing
    • Beating
    • Pulling hair
    • Slapping
    • Shoving
    • Biting
    • Twisting arms
    • Kicking
    • Using a weapon against you
    • Throwing you down
    • Choking
    • Hitting
    • Pushing
    This post is partially a vent, but the other part is distributing public health information. This is a real thing, no matter what your parents or the people you trust say.
     
    sindmani, Visalu and KashmirFlower like this.
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  2. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    Go down to police station, file report and get copy of that report.

    Next time he does anything, call the police. Have this report handy.

    This is USA where we are trying to escape the garbage, not embrace it.

    May I suggest visiting legal forums. People will give better guidance. In some states you can file no-fault divorce, in other states you have to prove abuse.

    Document, document, document all these instances as they occur.
     
  3. Umanga

    Umanga Gold IL'ite

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    I am surprised by this message because you had expressed quite a strong willingness to remain in your marriage just a few days ago. I suppose because you are experiencing trauma you are trying out various strategies to solve it and working on your mood swings and what you think of as depression is one of them.

    I can only re-iterate the advice I offered in the previous thread. Do not worry about working on yourself. This is an esoteric spiritual strategy that does not work in the real world. We are who we are and we are not going to change. What we can change is our circumstances and our environment. In other words, leave your husband, take your son with you and put some distance between yourself and your parents.

    I hope it works out.

    Take care.

     
    Last edited: May 8, 2017
    sindmani and Visalu like this.
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    BB, that's a huge thing to say - culture encourages that behavior. Not really. There are many Indian couples who are educated and both capable of earning, who lead mostly happy lives with the usual squabbles over in-laws, chores division, money, vacation plans, parenting style etc.

    It is not the Indian culture but rather the culture, values, and upbringing of the person one marries that can lead to emotional abuse.
     
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  5. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    I guess I am overreaching a little bit and somewhat bitter about my current situation. I meant culture in the sense of serving one's husband, and concept of kanyathanum (girl becomes part of new family, and is no longer part of her family), and the whole "adjust" rhetoric. Most of my aunts and uncles have some varying levels of this type of "abuse" in their families, but it's just accepted and ignored. The girl visiting her parent's or grandparents, only after getting permission from her husband, is the actual way that most of my relatives still function. I'm sure there are families with a more equal relationship, but at least in the South Indian way of life, the boy's side is superior.
     
  6. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Doesn't Indian culture say
    The married Dil has to accept the inlaws as her family and serve them
    The husband is like God.
    When the girl wants a nuclear family,why is she called a house breaker
     
  7. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    After reading your post
    I am also a victim of emotional abuse.
     
  8. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree, I thought that if I could fix myself, things would be better, I wouldn't be so emotional and take things so personal. I have come to realize that I can do all the self-help activities I want, but it's not going to make any change anything in my household. In fact, I think by staying, I'm encouraging the bad behavior.
     
    Umanga likes this.
  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    That is/was a way of life. It is not abuse. Men and women who believed in or were willing to live that lifestyle, married each other, married into such families. And lead fairly happy lives.

    I would not lay the blame on some people following that life style. It works for them. The problem occurs when two people marry, and one believes in that lifestyle while the other doesn't.
     
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  10. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes.you r perfect.nothing to be fixed.
     

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