Elders Are They Always Right

Aarushi · Nov 14, 2007

Gray hair does not mean wisdom. Age also does not mean wisdom necessarily. Otherwise the oldest men and women everywhere would be the wisest.

Using abusive language should be a big no-no. For anybody.

The elderly person who abused his DIL might have been having anger issues all his life, but got never addressed. People keep tolerating it for whatever reason and now nobody can stop him.

I have noticed that elderly people who are abusive don't suddenly become like that. Even as younger or middle aged people, they used to be abusive to others. Chances are that a verbally abusive person has been like that all his life. So its not like, suddenly he became abusive.

A person is who doesn't speak rudely or uses abusive words, will not suddenly start using them when he turns 60.

So really, I don't think all this has to do with children not respecting them or not visiting them etc. Maybe it has more to do with an abusive person no longer having control over his adult kids (how can you force an adult, independent person to listen to your abuse and keep returning to you? A child is forced to do so because he has no choice.)

I know somebody distantly who is abusive at 76. He used to be abusive at 15, 30, 45, 60 yrs age also...(that's what my parents tell me)....so his character hasn't really changed over the years.

My 2 cents...

CharuKaur · Nov 15, 2007

Hi Sunkan

Nice to see a thread on this sensitive an issue!
It leaves me troubled too when i see elders in the family in the wrong; yet no one letting them realise it. I believe, this conflict in judgment - deciding what is right/wrong is an offspring of the generation gap. And times of disagreemnet more often than not become battlefields to be won by either side (us/them) rather than treating it as a problem and sitting with cool heads to resolve it. Ofcourse, the insecurities and frustration at their age may even make them offensive in their words and actions.

I feel that there are some relations in particular that have difficulties growing in harmony together. So, i would suggest giving those a breather. Distance keeps the love and respect alive amidst relationships. And might be of help in some cases.

Cheers
Charu..

Sriniketan · Nov 15, 2007

Hi Sunkan,
Nice topic.
As we are brought up that way , talking back to elders is either 'vaayaadi or adhigaprasangi' type.
Moreover using abusive language is not at al appropriate for any one even the youngesters. these learn from the elders, right!
Young children pick up those words quickly than any other words and use them, without understanding their meaning.
In my parents house, till today i haven't heard any abusive language used on anybody in the family or outside.
But the scenario is just the opp. in my in-laws home where abusive words are used just like that. They always use to criticise people, either they are in front of you or whether they are in the TV or anybody who comes to their mind. These criticisms have no limit to it. Upayam---my mil.
Eventhough my husband didn't use any abusive language to me, i hear him say those words when addressing somebody they don;t like.
Nowadays he has actually changed a lot ( upayam--me!) but at times i see him use those words!
Maybe it is difficult for him to stop at once!
but my mil, she still uses it even against us!

I heard somewhere that people use abusive language because they hear lot of people saying that and in frustation, they use those words without thinkingbonk

sriniketan

sunkan · Nov 15, 2007

Aarushi said: ↑

Gray hair does not mean wisdom. Age also does not mean wisdom necessarily. Otherwise the oldest men and women everywhere would be the wisest.

Using abusive language should be a big no-no. For anybody.

The elderly person who abused his DIL might have been having anger issues all his life, but got never addressed. People keep tolerating it for whatever reason and now nobody can stop him.

I have noticed that elderly people who are abusive don't suddenly become like that. Even as younger or middle aged people, they used to be abusive to others. Chances are that a verbally abusive person has been like that all his life. So its not like, suddenly he became abusive.

A person is who doesn't speak rudely or uses abusive words, will not suddenly start using them when he turns 60.

So really, I don't think all this has to do with children not respecting them or not visiting them etc. Maybe it has more to do with an abusive person no longer having control over his adult kids (how can you force an adult, independent person to listen to your abuse and keep returning to you? A child is forced to do so because he has no choice.)

I know somebody distantly who is abusive at 76. He used to be abusive at 15, 30, 45, 60 yrs age also...(that's what my parents tell me)....so his character hasn't really changed over the years.

So no, the elders are not always right.

My 2 cents...
Click to expand...

you are right arushi,
when my father kicked my brother for using bloody did not mind himself telling all those filthy slangs himself, people tend to forget and want to be taken for granted and not notice when it is them who is inflicting these wound which they don't consider as wound or hurt in the first place..sunkan

sunkan · Nov 15, 2007

CharuKaur said: ↑

Hi Sunkan

Nice to see a thread on this sensitive an issue!
It leaves me troubled too when i see elders in the family in the wrong; yet no one letting them realise it. I believe, this conflict in judgment - deciding what is right/wrong is an offspring of the generation gap. And times of disagreemnet more often than not become battlefields to be won by either side (us/them) rather than treating it as a problem and sitting with cool heads to resolve it. Ofcourse, the insecurities and frustration at their age may even make them offensive in their words and actions.

I feel that there are some relations in particular that have difficulties growing in harmony together. So, i would suggest giving those a breather. Distance keeps the love and respect alive amidst relationships. And might be of help in some cases.

Cheers
Charu..
Click to expand...

dear charu,
i feel the fault lies with us, we put up with nonsense, saying otherwise a nice man has landed us in more trouble than appreciable, when the outsider lands up in the house and finds all we youngsters not saying a word they wonder, whether we also endorse his statements, the delicate issues if not attended when done inside will spill over outside and make our life miserable as we move around, none appreciate a parent or in law to be addressed in the manner that they do others, so we need to check however sensitive it may seem..sunkan

sunkan · Nov 15, 2007

Sriniketan said: ↑

Hi Sunkan,
Nice topic.
As we are brought up that way , talking back to elders is either 'vaayaadi or adhigaprasangi' type.
Moreover using abusive language is not at al appropriate for any one even the youngesters. these learn from the elders, right!
Young children pick up those words quickly than any other words and use them, without understanding their meaning.
In my parents house, till today i haven't heard any abusive language used on anybody in the family or outside.
But the scenario is just the opp. in my in-laws home where abusive words are used just like that. They always use to criticise people, either they are in front of you or whether they are in the TV or anybody who comes to their mind. These criticisms have no limit to it. Upayam---my mil.
Eventhough my husband didn't use any abusive language to me, i hear him say those words when addressing somebody they don;t like.
Nowadays he has actually changed a lot ( upayam--me!) but at times i see him use those words!
Maybe it is difficult for him to stop at once!
but my mil, she still uses it even against us!

I heard somewhere that people use abusive language because they hear lot of people saying that and in frustation, they use those words without thinkingbonk

sriniketan
Click to expand...

dear srini,
it is more out of the land they come from, they say tanjoreans have this tag of slangs up their sleeve like the tirunelveli's who cannot proceed without an idiom to refer to, but the slangs are so horrible to digest, may be they were able to hear and appreciate as all were talking the same language , but once we moved into the modern era and recognized what is not good for us or rather our own parents guiding us not to behave so but they themselves unable to get out of that habit, it may take sometime until this habit die and become legendary and not in present use..sunkan

Vysan · Nov 15, 2007

sunkan said: ↑

When elders in the family tend to behave bad where do you turn or whom do you turn to?..

Do they take us for granted that we would appreciate or rather be scared not to mention what they are doing is wrong or they cannot think beyond their own reasoning, what ever it is, you are left behind to whisper your displeasure, rather than trying to correct them which is another disaster in the making.

but it is so easy to address a woman as prostitute and is the easiest method to hurt her beyond any comprehensive limit.

Why does this happen? Are our elders loosing out on their mental stability in the long run, are their frustration taking on a turn to catch attention, are we neglecting them to such a limit that the moment we try to spend the time that we get with them turns out into a volcanic eruptions, pent up feelings, any thing you expect a child to do.

Why are they a lot who don’t improve with the situation? Why do we feel we need to step in but unable to? Any takers for these, does any one have an answer?.....sunkan
Click to expand...

Dear Sunkan,

Nice topic and nice write up... If the elders in the family tend to behave bad, we dont have anywhere else to turn... That is absolutely true... With more and more people tend to move all over the world for job and profession... there are so many parents who are left behind to be on their own at an age where they need some support...

At times when the kids think in these terms and try to be witht heir parents, instead of realising and understand the kids feelings, they behave bad... What to do... Unless otherwise they fell the pinch of it, they will not realise the value...

When thirupathi laddoo comes to your house daily... after 2/3 days then it will be lying idle in our fridge and loose value... Only when we go there and stand in the queue and struggle and get a half laddoo then, we will know its value...

Same is the case here... But calling the women as a Pros.... is little too much in my opinion... And similarly talkign foul language in front of the visitors is too bad...

Our love and respect for the elders is at times taken for granted....

sunkan · Nov 15, 2007

Vysan said: ↑

Dear Sunkan,

Nice topic and nice write up... If the elders in the family tend to behave bad, we dont have anywhere else to turn... That is absolutely true... With more and more people tend to move all over the world for job and profession... there are so many parents who are left behind to be on their own at an age where they need some support...

At times when the kids think in these terms and try to be witht heir parents, instead of realising and understand the kids feelings, they behave bad... What to do... Unless otherwise they fell the pinch of it, they will not realise the value...

When thirupathi laddoo comes to your house daily... after 2/3 days then it will be lying idle in our fridge and loose value... Only when we go there and stand in the queue and struggle and get a half laddoo then, we will know its value...

Same is the case here... But calling the women as a Pros.... is little too much in my opinion... And similarly talkign foul language in front of the visitors is too bad...

Our love and respect for the elders is at times taken for granted....
Click to expand...

dear veda,
nice referral to the thirupathi laddoo never could think like that, anyway happy to see you here, yes! children go with a lot of aspiration to spend sometime with the parent but something cranky keeps them away as usual..sunkan

aabcii · Nov 15, 2007

Hello Friends

Its often a matter of debate ."Elders are the waste of the society". But in this fast moving world and living perhaps the young present generation lost all paitence to hear and listen to the elders.Also the gap in the idea between the two ppl are also changed a lot. I am sure that when the present generation thinks how the older ppl thinks the severity conflict will reduce. Its the mistake from both sides that both cant able to tolerate themselves and stand their sides.But still there is a better way to solve the issue with love and care and respect we give to elders....

Arunarc · Nov 15, 2007

Another lovely topic by you Sunkan. I will not tell as elders are alwys correct, even they do mistakes.
As some of our friends have mentioned that our parents spend so much energy and time on us, they have sacrificed almost everything on us, so it is obvious that they expect a lot of things from us in return, this has being going on in our community.
There are some parents or elders who abuses, it is because they are not getting what they want in return, before when parents tell us not to open our mouth in front of the elders we use to listen to them and obey to they word, but today it is not so.
Today things have changed kids do what they feel is correct. This upsets the parents or any elders,as now a days kids are aware of lot of things, they know what is good and bad for them, and if they know if the elders are doing something wrong they will surely point out.
Some parents accept it but some don't they start abusing them tell all sorts of things, it is just because now a days kids are more clever then they elders and the elders cannot digest it, here I think they might be feelinging inferior for themself.
I agree to Rajmiarun as elders should understand the youngesters and give them an opportunity to justify themselves.
It is not true that we do not respect our elders, we surely do as they are the one who has thought us many things in life, but the elders too should put themselves in the youngesters shoe and try to think from they side.
This problem is not only in India but even outside all over the world. Outside India the elders push away the youngesters out of the house but in India we still have the concept of living together.I thank God as I have been brought up by such elders where the youngesters are given an opportunity to justify themselves. My FIL is a saint person, but MIL comes out with some crazy things but I can understand as she has been brot up that way. but she is manageable.
Please do not misunderstand our elders, there is surely some problem behind it, by which it makes them behave that way.