Elder One..

messedup · Jul 6, 2019

Srama said: ↑

Dear @messedup ,

What you are facing is more common than you think. It is the story of almost every parent and yet I am not sure how many can say, do this, it will work! Thank goodness we are human and the same solution will not/may not apply. That is the whole fun

It is nice to see that
(a) you are aware and (b) you realize you can make a difference and want to.

The goal is to allow each child thrive with their personalities and their circumstances. As they grow older, it is bound to be different. Thankfully, each of them will have their own friends, classmates, teachers to appreciate who they are and what they are. It may seem obvious to you (the differences and the way people interact) now as a parent than it might be for the children themselves. That said, one of the things that you can do as a parent is spend quality time with your older one alone, create situations or take him to places where he can express well and feel a sense of belonging, may be a park, a library etc. may be you can even take him on a joy ride in your moped (if you have one), listen to him talk. Of course you can do the same with the other child too. I don't know how it works in India.

That is so cute and many gifted children that I work with are like this. Recently I had an experience (my students are 10 to 12 years old) - my class had worked on a big project and they had to put it all together as one piece. There was a slight error in putting together all the sheets with one of the students - he is thorough and takes longer and gives fabulous reports. I did not mind one bit as a teacher and was happy to give 100% credit to the child but one look at the student's face and I knew he wanted to correct that. So I paused even though I had a tight schedule, assigned work to the rest of the students and helped this child redo putting together his work. The joy on his face was worth it all and that made me feel good as a teacher. If you observe, I did mention that I gave him 100% on his report - that did not matter to him. What mattered to him was how he presented it. Of course, many a time I try to break this "perfectionist" attitude with the same child asking him to bend here and there. I have to constantly balance and I am happy to do that. So, the best thing is to pause what you are doing and listen to the child, at least most of the times and on occasion when you can't, do try to go back and ask about what is it he wanted to share. It makes a world of difference. When you start doing that, your younger one may also develop that sense of what his brother has to say is important too. Also, occasionally volunteering to ask him to share something that interests him will make a world of difference to him. Hopefully this will start bringing him out of his shell and as he grows older, he will be able to isolate people and situations and express where it is necessary. When we as parents consciously do these things along with our frustrations (don't beat yourself up with I need to be more patient), it teaches the child a lot and in all honesty what we feel and how we react as parents affects more than how/what other people do. You may already be doing this but in our busy schedules, we may not be giving 100% and children sense it so easily though they do not realize or express even.

As for he responding to what needs to be done, if it is like getting ready to school etc, one of the ways to help is to have a schedule - I get this request from a lot of parents and I request quite a few parents to adopt one. Have a list posted spelling out what needs to be done before he heads to school and help him initially to follow and then allow him to do on his own. Having a routine like this in a classroom setting has helped me a lot - even though my students are much older. Avoid saying look at your brother, he gets ready so fast - you know your elder one has his own strengths too.

Basking in each of their individual strengths and helping them grow in other areas (areas where they need help)and doing that without comparing is our challenge as a parent. And @messedup, it will all be okay! They will figure it out - continue to give that stable and loving environment.
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Thanks for the detailed reply. Yes it is a big challenge. I usually avoid to compare them but still I do this sometimes as they are poles apart. One like to eat only roti other likes only vegetables. One like milk other don't like it. Like this many things are there which is just opposite. It's many times difficult to handle. Patience is the biggest thing required and not easy to achieve 100%. Can only try to improvise on it.

SinghManisha · Jul 6, 2019

I have two kids with different personalities. I make it a point to spend one on one time with each kid without the other plus combined activities with the two. The goal is to make sure that both your kids are secure about themselves. If the younger one gets more attention, the elder one will definitely feel secure.
Praise him when he does good things. Reward him in different ways.
You should also make him feel that he is good the way he is. He cannot and should not strive to be like his younger brother in terms of personality.
An introvert is an introvert. We should respect that.
Your kid is young and this is a good time to make him feel secure about himself. Discipline is important but also make an effort to show the love .

messedup · Jul 7, 2019

SinghManisha said: ↑

I have two kids with different personalities. I make it a point to spend one on one time with each kid without the other plus combined activities with the two. The goal is to make sure that both your kids are secure about themselves. If the younger one gets more attention, the elder one will definitely feel secure.
Praise him when he does good things. Reward him in different ways.
You should also make him feel that he is good the way he is. He cannot and should not strive to be like his younger brother in terms of personality.
An introvert is an introvert. We should respect that.
Your kid is young and this is a good time to make him feel secure about himself. Discipline is important but also make an effort to show the love .
Click to expand...

Thanks for the reply. I do spend time with both of them equally. And more than discipline I take care of their natural growth which should not harm by getting harsh on them. My main concern is how I convince him to follow my instructions. He follow only when I get very strict but later he get upset on me for this and say you don't love me and all. There should be some way to convince him without showing anger. But that's difficult to find out.

babycouture · Jul 8, 2019

Tips for Dealing with an Overall Talkative Child
Being able to join words and forming simple sentences to having a complete conversation, your children eventually grow and have enough communication skills to describe what is happening in their lives.

They might get into an argument with you when you are choosing kids’ clothes for him, or he even might reveal certain indescribable events that you want to hide from all. They eventually start to take part in real conversations and express their imaginations in words.

It is not always the case that your child will talk illogical. And, this is the exact age when he develops intuitive behavior and asks you some questions that you would love to answer.

They do not know where to end the conversation and how to respect someone’s privacy.

Here, the need for counseling and timely guidance is felt. Parents play a vital role in teaching kids when to speak and what to avoid while having a conversation with elders.

Handling a Hyper-talkative Child

Your tiny talker might wear you out with lengthy conversations. You need to give a direction to his thoughts and drive him towards useful information.

When you are continually getting complaints regarding the talkative nature of your child, you will have to take measures to improve his habit and teach him the advantages of talking less.

Give them Enough Chance to Talk

Set time for your child in which he can express all he wants to. Do not stop him or interfere with his sayings. He might want to express his deepest fears. His day in the school was an eventful one, and so, he would narrate everything that happened.

You can even ask for their opinions when you buy kids dress. Their ideas can give you a hint about the thinking of your child. Let your kid know that it is perfectly fine to talk and express. Then only he will be able to make wise decisions in years to come.

messedup · Jul 9, 2019

babycouture said: ↑

Tips for Dealing with an Overall Talkative Child
Being able to join words and forming simple sentences to having a complete conversation, your children eventually grow and have enough communication skills to describe what is happening in their lives.

They might get into an argument with you when you are choosing kids’ clothes for him, or he even might reveal certain indescribable events that you want to hide from all. They eventually start to take part in real conversations and express their imaginations in words.

It is not always the case that your child will talk illogical. And, this is the exact age when he develops intuitive behavior and asks you some questions that you would love to answer.

They do not know where to end the conversation and how to respect someone’s privacy.

Here, the need for counseling and timely guidance is felt. Parents play a vital role in teaching kids when to speak and what to avoid while having a conversation with elders.

Handling a Hyper-talkative Child

Your tiny talker might wear you out with lengthy conversations. You need to give a direction to his thoughts and drive him towards useful information.

When you are continually getting complaints regarding the talkative nature of your child, you will have to take measures to improve his habit and teach him the advantages of talking less.

Give them Enough Chance to Talk

Set time for your child in which he can express all he wants to. Do not stop him or interfere with his sayings. He might want to express his deepest fears. His day in the school was an eventful one, and so, he would narrate everything that happened.

You can even ask for their opinions when you buy kids dress. Their ideas can give you a hint about the thinking of your child. Let your kid know that it is perfectly fine to talk and express. Then only he will be able to make wise decisions in years to come.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the reply. Will try to consider and take care of these points.