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Dumb H and same in Son again :(

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by determin, Jul 16, 2015.

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  1. Jul 16, 2015 #1
    determin

    determin New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am really frustrated, worried and am here that you girls help me with my situation.

    My H is calm, helping, has lots of friends and V nice to outside world but to me he's dumb. Yes you heard rt he's dumb fellow. Why? u r thinking rt. He's calm with everyone including me, he helps everyone who ever call him and ask him for help he will go and help them like for their parties or some money needed and so on, he has lot of friends but he talks to them means he listens to them he don't know hoe to counter back and of course no one counters him as he doesn't communicate but will be engaged in conversation like hear to them nicely. He will invite them for parties i will cook nicely they all will eat and watch movies and go. But he will never communicate to me at all.

    Never in 10 yrs we never had any discussion on anything. Just be quite, go for work, go for some friends house or invite them in weekends, go for some shopping if at all i need some grocery or some stuff and come back and sleep. Thats all the hell life. No communication at all!!! i asked him several times that i want him to communicate to me, but he say 'OK' that's all. Being quite made me mad, i fought with him but no use. So i decided to bury my life quietly like this as no use as he's born like that. And he also say that he has prob with his communication at work also and hes improving it.

    Yesterday electrician came to my house and my H couldn't communicate in English properly with him and it pissed me off, i tried to correct him all the way for yrs but when ever i did am noticing that he's feeling ashamed so i stopped it but my anger is increasing day by day and am crying deeply inside of course it bursts at times and we argue only because of this reason that he's not communicating with me. He always say that he's improving but never he does.

    He doesn't know anything, anything means anything, am really not sure how he's working since 15 yrs in USA and how he's managing his work. This surprises me a lot. I ask him to change his company but he' staying there since 11 yrs. he doesn't know what to gift me and he never does that, he doesn't know where to go, or he doesn't know how to enjoy with family, all he know is be quite or talk to his friends means listen to them and invite or go out with them for dinner or get a ways.

    I am really pissed off with him and his dumbness.

    My H is fathers sister son only, so when i told them abt his nature they said that my FIL is also kind of this dumb guy and my H is lot better than my FIL and he has friends at least but my FIL doesn't even have anyone and he just sits home. SO am compromised with deep crying everyday but now my problem is am seeing same with my son also.

    He doesn't communicate much like his father, so when ever i get anger with my H and as i can not show it on him i am showing it on My son by shouting him and calling DUMB...really feeling bad i don't want to call my son DUMB but i can not control as am controlling on my H a lot and seeing same in my son again....Please help me how to come out of this...


    I like my H and son a lot...its just their genes...but they are very very nice..................
     
    determin, Jul 16, 2015
    determin, Jul 16, 2015
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    1 person likes this.
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  2. Jul 16, 2015 #2
    Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    Please do not call your son dumb. It will undermine his confidence and he will withdraw.

    I don't think your husband is dumb. If he were, he would not have survived the tough job market and also have friends. His friends are more intelligent than you as they see through his quietness and has known him for who he is. Being quiet does not equate to dumbness.

    1.Instead of simply saying I need to have discussions with you or communicate with you, ask his opinion on certain topics and encourage him to speak out his opinion.

    2. Do you think that he is being taken advantage of due to his "dumbness"?

    3. Staying with one employer does not equate to dumbness.

    4. Since when did being nice start getting equated to dumbness?

    Your message is dripping with insult and lack of love and understanding for your husband. I am sure that he feels it in his daily life and I feel sad for him. Please do not make your son also a victim of your dissatisfaction.

    I want to call you a horrible person based on this message. But I will bite my tongue since I don't know you that well.
     
    Brevity, Jul 16, 2015
    Brevity, Jul 16, 2015
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  3. Jul 16, 2015 #3
    dimhere

    dimhere Gold IL'ite

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    I don't blame you, for calling your husband DUMB. Sometimes when one's expectations are too high, and constantly the spouse is falling short, one tends to think that way. But that isn't necessarily the right thing.

    God created a marriage between the two of you for a reason. And that's because He thinks YOU can do what your husband is unable to do. Are YOU outgoing, able to plan vacations, able to communicate with new friends, able to instruct the electrician properly??

    You have an ideal picture in your mind... Outgoing, lively, life of the party husband. He isn't that, and will never be.

    Ever heard of this?
    May God give me strength to change the things I cannot accept,
    accept the things I cannot change,
    and the WISDOM to know the difference.

    Read the last two phrases carefully please...
     
    dimhere, Jul 16, 2015
    dimhere, Jul 16, 2015
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  4. Jul 16, 2015 #4
    SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I think it is some serious psychological issue at birth. At least I tell so from my experience with my aunt and cousins from the maternal side. I guess, I have quoted about them earlier in this forum.

    That aunt looked gorgeous at the wedding. It was an arranged marriage. So we all conveniently brushed off her lack of inter-personal skills, including communication. We said it could be shyness as he was a new bride, and completely new to the groom's family. Her lack of exposure and background added more weight to our conclusion, as my uncle really liked her silence and calmness. It happened some 25 yrs before and I was too small to recall everything of that time.

    As time passed, all of us realized that it is no longer her shyness, but something with her personality. But again, we were generous enough to give the benefit of the doubt as her upbringing was not perfect (she lost her mom at the very young age).

    She gave birth to 2 sons, and decades were passed since they were married. There has been no change in her personality.

    She has no friends, no communication with anyone. She would just stay dumb. Absolutely dumb. She would cook, watch TV and do all the sewa at home. But she would not talk or participate in any communication with anyone.

    Now her elder son is 20+ yrs old, and finished his first degree. He is exactly the same as his mom.
    No talk at all. If he comes to our home, he would sit at the sofa, watch TV and listen to what we all talk. He would say nothing unless if someone directly ask him a question. Then also, his answer would be in one line.. He wouldn't make an eye contact with the communicator though.

    He has friends. He goes to play Cricket every day. He goes out to movies with friends, and sometimes his friends do invite him for parties. But all his communication is just listening, extending helps, and being very nice. But no talking, no sharing... nothing at all.

    This made my uncle shattered as he never expected this could be something to do with the genes. So, he took him to a psychiatrist. He prescribed depression pills, and some other tests too.
    Both mom and son are taking pills (Not sure of the names) and some therapy classes.
    Significant changes in the son's behavior, but nothing much in the mom.. Because he has more depression signs as she aged.

    Doctor said, the early treatment is the better.

    Also, uncle stopped yelling at aunt and his son at least after knowing their medical condition.

    Just try to take both of them to a good psychiatrist for an opinion. Don't forget to mention the genes factor as well.

    I wish you good luck.
     
    SGBV, Jul 16, 2015
    SGBV, Jul 16, 2015
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  5. Jul 16, 2015 #5
    jmsd

    jmsd Silver IL'ite

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    determin

    Ask your ILs if they had another son who got married to me.Just Kidding.

    Yes my husband is equally non communicative esp. when it comes to personal relationships.
    Professional relationships are well kept,offices of associations well held and managed.
    But communication with me...shakehead.
    These days I feel he is working on that issue too but with a little success.
    But the best I could get out of him is that he admits having a some personality disorder which keeps him from doing what is imperative in a relationship,communicate.
    This is keeping me pacified for the time being.:)
     
    jmsd, Jul 16, 2015
    jmsd, Jul 16, 2015
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  6. Jul 16, 2015 #6
    determin

    determin New IL'ite

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    I really love my H n my Son a lot. I hate calling my H dumb but as she never shares any of his opinions or I never had some sweet things with him, I made my self deep down and of course developed so much hatred on him deep inside and this made me Think he is dumb.

    He never feel like he has to spend time with me, i sleep with my kids around 10, not sure when he come to bed. I will wait for him at times but he come and sleep that's all. No intimacy with me. He never think to buy me something, if at all I ask he will go n get something which even he doesn't know what to buy n what I like

    Whenever I try to tell him something that ends with a fight so I stopped coveting to him anything, instead developed hatred n am calling my son dumb of course he is NOT. My son is good, I love him a lot am really crying now while typing this, I hate to use this word " Dumb" on him. But the hatred I have on my H for not being good with me physically or by communicating made feel so sad and that am showing on my poor kid....Am very scared that I will pull my son down by calling so, I did call for 3 times so far, for which I cried a lot that I shouldn't do that any more.

    I can see myself with this hatred since few yrs but am just quite sharing my situation with parents n friends but all they say is just take good points from ur H, he's nice guy, he will not ask u do lot of work and will help u with house hold if needed. I know all these and even I try to make myself happy by thinking abt his plus points al the time. But still what al I need from him is just a hug end of day and say some sweet words like love u and that's all... I don't need him to help me or anything else,..... I told him many times but he never did that... Atleast I tried to go him myself n hug n kiss n come back.... But it's always one sided.....so I hate doing one sided al the time.... And when ever I see couples intimacy I feel so bad.... And that's how I started developing hatred....I can see myself thinking he's dumb since 3-4 yrs but I never thought my Son so.... But since few months I am
    Nothing that as I can not tell this to my H directly am using that stupid word on my son for which am feeling so bad.....

    Am here to know how I can develop love on my H back so that I will never think him as dumbo. Honestly whenever I feel like calling my H dumb and as I Shouldn't utter it, I use that word "dumb" on my son that's all.... But l love my son so much... Really so much and he love me a lot and always tell me that Amma I love you so much.... He is not... I can not type the word on him again... I can not stop my tears pls help me....
     
    determin, Jul 16, 2015
    determin, Jul 16, 2015
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  7. Jul 16, 2015 #7
    determin

    determin New IL'ite

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    And of course my son is on the quite side only n that's making me call him so as I want to show my deep sadness out some where n by this am scared I will pull him down.

    my daughter talks so smart b sweet and she's just 2.5 yrs n this is one more reason which is making me call my son... for ex if I ask her to eat rice n she doesn't want to she will tell me rice is not there, is I say yes it's there she will say no it's all done no more rice just that she done want to eat. But if it's my son he will say no that's all.
     
    determin, Jul 16, 2015
    determin, Jul 16, 2015
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  8. Jul 16, 2015 #8
    padmaja909

    padmaja909 Platinum IL'ite

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    Your son is shy and quiet, not dumb. Please don't call him that again. He may develop inferiority complex in future and may not even share his fears with you his own mom, for the fear of being called dumb. These shy people like your husband or your son are not thoughtless. Actually they think more than talkative persons. Don't let them bury their thoughts inside their brain, pull them out. Help them to express their thoughts and feelings.
    And never ever make the mistake of comparing his sister with him in front of him.
     
    padmaja909, Jul 16, 2015
    padmaja909, Jul 16, 2015
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  9. Jul 16, 2015 #9
    determin

    determin New IL'ite

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    Sure padma I will never call him so.... But when ever am unhappy abt my H am using that word on my S... Which I don't want to... How can I make my H talk to me, I tried many ways but I see lil to no use
     
    determin, Jul 16, 2015
    determin, Jul 16, 2015
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  10. Jul 16, 2015 #10
    padmaja909

    padmaja909 Platinum IL'ite

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    @determin firstly IMO we take out our frustration on children because we are powerful and they are weaker than us and cant answer us back.
    secondly you have to show lots of patience about your husband. When he comes back from work ask him about his day. If he answers in monosyllables pester him. ask about what he did, what he ate, about his colleagues, his work, about what they talked in breaks etc. Just like how you may ask your kids when they come back from school. DONT get bored if he doesn't answer elaborately. repeat this everyday. eventually he will get habit of pouring to you everything, and sharing asking your advise etc.
    Then you yourself will say please will you stop talking for a moment gigglingsmiley( just joking)
     
    padmaja909, Jul 16, 2015
    padmaja909, Jul 16, 2015
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