6 March 2006 Will I be able to achieve my dreams? Accomplishing and achieving dreams at 40 is rather quiet impossible. My dreams? Dreams which are my father’s dreams remain as dreams. Dreams? Ambitions? I never achieved my dreams. Doctor, nurse and even private investigator are some of my ambitions during school days! None has been achieved. I realised I did not study hard enough for the exams and took things for granted. If only I could have studied a bit harder, I would have obtained satisfying results where I could land myself at one of the local universities. I did not achieve any of my dreams. I failed to achieve my father’s dreams. I never realised how difficult it was for my father to pay college fees with an insufficient income. Yet, my father never complained. He trusted me but I failed him. I never saw my father crying but dissappointment that can be clearly seen on his face made me wonder if he cried quietly, like how I am doing now, crying alone, crying inside me. The reason behind that failure is because of love. I was in love with my longtime lover and that has closed my interest in studies. I never thought that I will regret this one day. And that one day has come where I am regretting every inch and every bit of the steps that I took to erase my chances of continuing my studies. I dont blame it on my marriage but always wondered why I did not continue my studies after marriage. I could have ,but I did not. I failed to understand my father’s feelings, giving priorities to that of my own and what I wanted to do in my life. Even though I love my father very much, I never thought about his feelings at all! Why? Why? Why did I do that to my father? My father who has sacrificed his life and happiness just to see me succeed in life? Now I am a mother of two girls aged 14 and 10. I have to work in order to support my family. It’s been 20 years down my career life and I am not satisfied with what I have achieved. Everytime, every hour, every minute, every second I feel there is something amiss in my life. I feel my life is not complete. Whenever I decide to take up studies or any courses, I can’t do it. Maybe because of finance, transport or time. I have to help my children with their homework and revision. After work, I have to rush home to teach them. This time I have to think of their education and not my. Thats true. I have to sacrifice my studies in order for my children to be successful in their lives. I do not want them to be like me. I do not want them to make the same mistake that I have done. I want to give them the proper guidance that they need in making decisions in their lives. I always pray to GOD. There is no one who can help me besides God. My siblings, five of them. There is love and care among my siblings but seldom shown. They have their own problems and life to carry on. I love and care for them very much. They are not like me and I can’t expect much from them. They can’t get along well with me that well and our way of thinking always differs in all matters. They did comment that I am a difficult person to deal with and forever the odd one out. Am I that different? Maybe because of the age gap. Being in the 40’s and 20’s is a vast difference and they feel I am back dated. I have been looking for a better paid job, but never had the luck. After quiet a number of interviews, I still fail to get the job that I always wanted. During the interview sessions, everything seem to go well, but in the end I was not chosen! I have all the energy and enthusiasm in me to be a good employee and to work my best for the company which hires me, but still no luck. “What’s wrong with me?” This is the question that always crops up in my head. Maybe employers are looking for much younger applicants. Maybe, but I feel what matters most is the way a person does his or her work and the discipline that he or she applies to the accomplishment of the said tasks. I wonder what are the qualities that these employers look for. I tried so much to figure out the answer and all I can think of is that being 40 plus does not have much of a choice. That really hurts. If at all a person can still deliver her job well for another 10 or 15 years to come, what is the problem of hiring that person? I am considered as one of the most sincere and most reliable employee, that any employer can have. I am very sincere in my work and always find ways to contribute my talents and experiences towards the upgrading and development of the company that I work for. My parents are getting older and my only wish is to make them happy by achieving success in my life while they are still around, like a well paid job. I want to buy things that my parents need and send them for holidays to beautiful places in other countries. I do not want my parents to worry about money. My dreams of fulfilling my father’s wishes has shattered but at least I can try to make him proud and happy by having a well paid job. That’s why I am looking for a new job. I am confident that there is an employer out there who is searching for an employee like me. With the hope that someone will hire me with a good salary, thus helping me to achieve my dreams. Not my dreams, but her parents’ dreams. Will I be able to achieve these dreams while they are still around. Or if it is too late, what will happen then? How will I be able to fulfill my father’s wishes? The fact that I could not fulfill his wishes will always be with me and will slowly suck out the breath out of my life. I always wished that I could go back in time to rectify the mistakes that I have done and promised to myself that I will never ever going to repeat that kind of mistakes. If only all people can do that, then there will be no meaning to life! “Will I be able to make my parents happy?” I ask this question to myself all the time and can’t seem to find the answer. I feel that God did give me golden opportunities to show my gratitude towards my parents but I did not use it. Will God give me another chance? And if yes, when? Can I fulfill my father’s wishes through my daughter? Will he be around to see my daughter achieve success? He loves his grandchildren very much. I sensed happiness in his eyes when my eldest daughter achieved 5As in the recent UPSR examination. He shed tears when my daughter’s name was announced. Accepting the fact that it is too late for me to continue my studies, will I be able to achieve it through my daughter and will he still be around to see those happy moments? This question keep popping up in my mind these days. There is a part of me which says that he will still be around to see all this and God will give me a chance to make him happy! I am determined to work hard and continue the search for my dream job. I am definite that I will get it. I believe God is listening to my prayers and He is finding the right moment to reveal the golden opportunity to me. But I hope too that the right moment is now and never too late! Not a moment passes by without me thinking what the future holds for me. All sectors of my life are good except career. When am I going to get a good job which will mark a permanent career in my life till retirement? Well, some people say that having a job is already great and considered lucky. I dont think so, because I am not satisfied with my present work. I want to learn more and hold a better position with a better salary. I want that. How am I going to achieve that if I don’t get thru the interview? How long do I have to keep on finding for the expected job? So many questions and no answers. It all depends on God. If he approves it, I will get it. If it is a no, then NO. How? What to do??????????