1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Dramatic Mil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Angela123, Jun 1, 2020.

  1. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    521
    Likes Received:
    677
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Brace for a long post/vent:
    My FIL passed few years ago. MIL was diagnosed with cancer after that. DH is the youngest and according to tradition "supposed" to take care of his parents. But he chose to live in the US and do not intend to go back. we provide financial and emotional as well as all kinds of support when needed to MIL. DH is pretty cool and satisfied (or so he thinks) about how he handles the situation. We talk to MIL every weekend. She cries over phone on several things and DH doesn't seem to care about it. He says she has been always dramatic like that and exaggerates things all the time. I have a hard time because I want to sympathize with her, but DH says ignore it. Last weekend, our call was on the day she had her visit with oncologist. Her cancer was metastatic at the diagnosis and still is. Treatments were just pills and IV supplements but we think they are working. Doc said the growth has shrunk, she wouldn't believe. She was a nurse and she knows some stuff, but I do not know whom to believe. She has ourrelative lives with her to help with everything and she is scared to live alone if needed. But she cries, i have no one, which is partially true about not having immediate family around.

    BIL lives in another country and was moving to our place in India permanently, got delayed due to COVID-19 crisis. She cries over his financial situation too and asked us to help him. We haven't discussed about that among us, but I do not want to spent money on people I have never seen - yes that is true. They did not attend our wedding, never visited us or visited parents when we were visiting even if we repeatedly asked them. Heck, they do not even call us. they do not keep any connection , we always take initiative and always let them know about our news - they never contact us unless needed. He didn't even visit when MIL was diagnosed with cancer and when he was absolutely needed at home. He bothers MIL asking for money and land, still MIL takes his side. major reason for BIL's cold shoulder to us is that FIL left house and some land for DH (on condition MIL is taken care of financially) . BIL got the rest of the land (it is the bigger portion of land though). looks like MIL doesn't want to live with them when they move back home, she doesn't say that explicitly, but she doesn't ever ask them any details on the plan but always cries on phone about this to us. MIL is not in good terms with SIL as they had some previous issues. We cannot go back to India or bring her here. We are ready to give the house and our portion of land to BIL if he is ready to take care of MIL. No matter what the situation comes up, BIL won't discuss anything with us, complains to MIL and MIL complains to us. This builds up stress for us and I (and DH) do not know how to handle.
     
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2020
    Loading...

  2. harithab

    harithab Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    49
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi,

    Somewhere I can relate your story to mine !
    Its really hard time and sad to know that Ur MIL is on Cancer treatment :persevere::disrelieved: Hope she gets back to good health soon. :innocent:
    Its more hard to think that she dont have her hubby or sons with her in this painful period !! However dramatic she is !!!
    Responsibility is equal for both sons - I dont think it should be materialistic !! Noone is taking land or money when they die :buenrollo:
    Ur hubby needs to talk openly to his mom and sort out the issues, or if he is ready to discuss the same with his brother, that would be a better option. If he gives the house and land which he got to his brother - is it sure that ur MIL will be taken care of and all worries gets over ?? :disrelieved:
    I understand that U r in good terms with ur Mil, right ?
    Suppose, If U were in her position, what would have U wished for to die peacefully ??
    Support Ur hubby on whatever decisions he takes for his mom, but u can surely give much supporting hands to ur Mil :blush:

    Stay safe :angel:
    Stay positive :thumbsup:
     
    iman and Angela123 like this.
  3. netflx

    netflx Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    67
    Likes Received:
    79
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    Well said @harithab
    Cancer is excruciatingly difficult to deal either mentally or physically or both. When a parent/parent-in-law is dealing that, time to push 'taking care of our-nuclear-family priorities' a bit up and down the sliding scale.
     
    sandhya2020 and Angela123 like this.
  4. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    521
    Likes Received:
    677
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Yes. It is, but we visit her when she has needs. It’s not like she is abandoned. We made a choice to live in the US, and every one the family knew it and we discussed how we will be taking care of things when it comes to things like this, since we won’t be available 24x7. It is not like we never mentioned the future.
    Her cancer is very much under control, she is not going through chemo or an
    y other difficult treatments like we have heard with regular cancer treatments. It’s not critical and her life is not dependent on the treatments (not my words, it’s what doc said, we call and discuss with her oncologist since DH went only twice last year with her to the treatments). What she is dealing with is the loneliness. BIL is moving soon (supposed to be in June but got pushed by COVID-19) , but we don’t know when. If I were her, I don’t think I would’ve made this fuss. I will be sad, but I won’t be over dramatic enough to take away peace of my children who is living half way across the globe, but that is just me.
    DH and I discuss things over, I support him on whatever decision he makes. Since MIL switches sides between BIL and DH, he gets irritated. Between late FIL and her looks like there was a clear preference between one of the two sons and they show it.

    Thing is, she has people and money to take care of her, for the three of us, there is only us! We do not have resource or support from both sides at this point, if something happens to one of us and we are not prepared.

    I have been married for over 10 years now, lesson learned is stay away from MIL-DH warfare. I keep my relationship with her separate, we have good terms. But I can’t make decisions for DH, that won’t end well.
     
  5. pni

    pni Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    22
    Likes Received:
    13
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Angela123,

    I too can relate to the situation. My mil also doesn't want to live with elder son bcz cosister is not in good term with her. She is now staying with us. Just like your case, Bil is ready to share expenses by not keep with him even for two days. Same with my mother, I take care of her, brother is providing money, but share the responsibility to care her at his home.
     
    Angela123 likes this.
  6. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    51
    Likes Received:
    64
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi dear , looking at your previous post
    "I am struggling to find a balance between work-life, and this is mostly mental stress. My dad back home is dealing with some chronic health issues and was hospitalized suddenly in the last two days. He is in a good hospital, have my sister and family as well as mom with him. We have extended family to stay and care if needed, but not allowed other than visiting. I can't fly home now because i work full time and have vacation days just enough to cover may be a week. Also, right now things are not that critical, as this situation may continue for years, so I could go just to visit. I am so stressed and have problems concentrating in work. I call them multiple times even at work and continuously thinking about them, and feel like the information is not good enough. This is mainly because my mom and dad don't share much information on their health thinking "not to worry her, since she is abroad". When I go home, DH being supportive, analyses everything from the medical stand point and it is helping at the time, but as soon as I get back to work, I start being all fidgety again. I need some pointers to calm down and deal with this. How do you tackle this kind of situation?"

    Best choice for you to go come back to India so both you and your husband can take care of parents .In the long run, being there for loved ones during distress gives a lot of satisfaction. Yes it causes financial stress but the peace we feel is different- and in any case you have a house so you wont be extremely financially distressed by the move . Cancer can be very distressing for the person diagnosed, even though practically third person may feel its not serious, to the patient it can cause great anxiety and they need their loved ones' presence. And you can be there for your dad too, that will make you happy. Do not take it in wrong way, wrote the above based on your previous post.
     
    Angela123 likes this.
  7. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    521
    Likes Received:
    677
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female

    Thank you, Sandhya. Going back is not a choice now. We said good bye to that 5 years ago, when DH decided not to accept a good job in India for a better job with green card here. DH does not have a good job opportunity in India now because, he is old to get into any (state) government job (resigned one to come to the US) and he has limited options on the private side.
    Situation with my parents are resolved now, they have care and they understand why we are doing what we are doing, same with MIL, but it is some days are hard, some weeks are harder. Even though our parents brought us up teaching "you need to do what you want and makes you happy and pursue your dreams" some days they feel guilty of driving us away from them. Both sides parents were away while we were growing up, we never held that against them, DH and I have great relationships with our in-laws. It is on some of these days we have higher stress, and we are hit with loneliness, then I will have to deal with that and it prompts me to write my thoughts here. All kinds of answers are insightful and give me guidance to what is important to me.
    I dont have a house, my sister and her husband with her son live with my dad and mom and they are planning to leave the house for her. On DH's side since BIL is moving to India for good, next time we visit india, we will be transferring the house and land to his name. Currently it is not for us technically, because FIL's will says, after MIL passes away, house and half the land will be DH's. Until then revenue, pension and house belongs to MIL. So if we move to India leaving our jobs here, we won't have jobs or house to stay in. We can only live on our savings but not for too long, this can only add more stress to current parents' situation. We are not ready to live on our parents savings because they might need it for their medical care or living expenses for the life they have left.
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2020
  8. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    521
    Likes Received:
    677
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Yeah we have similar situation. MIL prefers older son, but dislike SIL (but loves her family!!). They are like we will take care of her ONLY IF we get the house NOW. So far we have covered the expenses when we need to and pay for her care and relatives who help her. We just can't go visit often because of the distance. It is stressful!
     
  9. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    51
    Likes Received:
    64
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    FIL has given house and land in your DH name, if you move to India to take care of MIL, you all will obviously live in that same house with her and take care of her . I dont understand why you have to live in a separate rented house.


    But your situation is understandable. Now, you have decided in future you will transfer the house to BIL's name. But how are you sure he will take care of MIL? Most likely, once the house and land in his name, he will make a thousand excuses(as you have rightly suspected).He may not even move back to India after that . Transferring the house to her name ill be best thing to do . Let her decide how to utilize it or whom to will it.

    I feel situation is too bad for elderly widows when husband wills everything to children and then the widowed mother becomes vulnerable and alone during crises .So please transfer to her name, not BILs.Let her decide how to utilise it for her old age.
    I am not blaming your FIL at all , I can clearly see he tried his best to do right by his wife but somehow things have got complicated because your FIL never anticipated both sons will settle abroad .
    It is a conditional transfer. So in light of new developments , best to transfer house to her name. Dont forget that BIL is still abroad and his mind may change anytime and then there will be nothing MIL can do once house/land is in his name.
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2020
    Angela123 likes this.
  10. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    521
    Likes Received:
    677
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    BIL is moving. He lives in middle east and lost job due to covid 19 and visa issues. He is taking over his FIL's business, which was due long time ago. His kid had joined online classes in local school and they are just waiting to clear technical difficulties in getting a flight assigned. So moving is for sure. Just don't know when. Part of the stress is that too.
    I think BIL needs her signature on everything to make any money for him off of the land o house or anything. She loves and adores him, and already has offered him everything even though DH told MIL not to do so. IMO that was not a smart thing to do, but it is her money, not inherited, she saved it, so she has full power to do what she wants. He said to offer him house and the land (all of it if needed) only if he takes care of MIL, and we need that in writing.
    What you said is right, he will make a thousand excuses so does his wife. But overall he is a good person, but a tad too selfish, also part of the problem is his wife. MIL and her started off on a wrong foot and things got accumulated ever since, this was years before my marriage to DH. But they never reconciled. We will have to wait and see what happens in the next two months.

    Thanks for replying. It does give some perspective, I just do not have the power to execute anything in this case!
     

Share This Page