Doom Scrolling!

There are days when I don’t feel like doing my job – like doing dishes. Yup still a job I don’t like after all these years. I complain about it at home the whole day, no one comes to my rescue. My puppies can only turn their heads this way and that as I talk, turn around and walk away to go lay on their mat and continue staring at me as I vent! I wake up in the morning, no one has come to rescue still. My sink is overflowing for two days now. I am sure every spoon and plate has been used. My smart dish washer is waiting, for an opportunity to show its smartness only if load it! I look at the dishes, still ignoring them completely make a cup of coffee and open my phone scrolling through various articles! I say open my phone because it is a process. I have one of those cases where in I must attempt to open, not just look and the screen is there. The scrolling has me agitated in no time and I tell myself, just do it S, just do it! So, I put the phone down and I start clearing the dishes. Two spoons and two glasses in, I feel like a hero! I instantly feel better by taking care of what is needed to be taken care of.

The agitation has set in because of an article I have read. I am glad I had read through the whole article though. I had found the word of the day "doom Scrolling" hidden as a nondescript word in the entire article. I tell you, if I were not paying attention to the article, I would have missed the word. As I was reading the article, the conversation I had with my students just last week had flashed through my mind. A series of faces of all my colleagues had come in front of me in a flash and I heard myself saying, "thank goodness my job does not require that I socialize much" out loud for, I was beginning to see if any of my colleagues were what they described in the article and this is at 5 in the morning, mind you! The 'happy go lucky' Mrs.S who has the habit of tucking away everything hard in life either under "that's how life is" or "this too shall pass" adding more categories after reading this? Now, if I were to explain to you why these two things happened ie., my students and my colleagues coming to mind, trust me my friend, reading about that would amount to 'doom scrolling' for you too. You might end up feeling the way I did after I had read that article - gaining nothing except more agitation.

I am sure the article was in my feed because of the conversation that my smart phone has heard in my classroom. I wonder about all the feeds I get based on what I read, talk, or look up. If you were to ever see my feed, you will wonder about all that shows up and I promise you that you will look at me weirdly. And if I were to tell about what I am teaching and where (as in subject) I am talking the most, your open mouth will close shut and you will nod in understanding. I am terrified to look up or click on any article that has Priyanka Chopra or Megan Markle or some other celebrity. How do I tell my phone that it was just that one time, please spare me I am not interested in their everyday life? I was just bored of reading article after article that had shown up on Mesopotamia! One thing is for sure- anything that is fed too much will only leave us wanting to throw it all up! Well, that is how I felt this morning and I blame it on my gym - not having a class early in the morning! Otherwise, I am not the one to look up my phone first thing in the morning!

I sometimes wonder if I even live in this world anymore. Has it happened to you? You look around the room, or people in a mall or some place and you feel like you are among alien species? No deeper connections, no digging deep conversations, no true appreciation, no nothing? Mile wide, inch deep is a common phrase in our education system that we use as we look at our students and all that they do or while talking about what needs to be taught in the limited amount of time. Is that becoming the norm of everyday life also? Is it just me feeling that way? I don’t know. Recently I was reading something where in people were saying that the best gift, they were giving to their family was ‘themselves’ during this festive season. No, no don’t jump to conclusions. All they were saying was that they were keeping their phones and electronics aside for a week to give themselves completely to their families.

It doesn’t feel that long ago that we had restrictions on how much TV we watched, that too in the days of Doordarshan. Along with that came the joy of anticipation of that day of the week for that serial. What was considered as a technological advancement during our growing up years is no longer that – an advancement to be celebrated! I am reminded of a student who was just yesterday trying to call his mother using the school phone. Thank goodness that he was all of nine years old without a cellphone and so was using school phone. The phone is push button. He pushes his mom’s numbers and realizes he has pushed in a wrong number. I happen to pass by that area then and so he asks me as to how to use back space on the phone – apparently to delete the previous number he has punched in wrong. I burst out laughing which only makes the student tear up. Thank fully the more tactful front office lady comes in and steps up to help while I escape before I scar the kid further! True story! Imagine the kid using a rotary dial!!

Thoughts swirling in my head before I step out, I look at my Christmas tree – it stands beautifully in the window spreading cheer. I step out to go to school and am almost shocked to see the foggy skies. Mother nature has not been herself. We are talking of mid-December almost and all the leaves haven’t fallen yet. The air does feel festive. If we pause to take it all in, it does feel magical. I cannot imagine raking during the winter break but looks like that is what it is going to be this year. I walk down the driveway, fixing the Christmas lights that had moved around because of the rain and the wind and am startled with the sound of a flock of birds moving from one tree to another. I am surprised. Normal me would have even anticipated that movement but this ‘doom scrolled’ me was startled. I tell my self, lesson learnt. Just like knowing when to stop eating, if I don't know when to stop surfing, it is going to end as 'doom-scrolling'. I take a deep breath, enjoying the crisp cold air for a moment longer and get ready mentally to face whatever the day has decided to bring for me.