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Don't Like How Mil/fil Treat Dh - Should I Interfere?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Parry22, Jul 9, 2018.

  1. Parry22

    Parry22 Silver IL'ite

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    Ive been married for about 1.2 years now. I absolutely do not like the way MIL and FIL behave with their son. We all live together. He is 32 still they treat him like a child who can't do anything on his own.
    MIL -
    MIL shouts at him for small things, like getting up. She will just shout at the top of her voice "GET UPPPPPPP, LOOK WHAT IS THE TIME !!! " , poor husband works in IT and has long hours. If he wants to sleep an extra 15 minutes, why do you have to shout at the top of your voice? Plus is this the way to wake up another person?? Why can't she wake him up calmly.
    There are many more instances where in she will just SHOUT at him for things like FOOD IS GETTING COLD, COME AND EAT, when he is working on his laptop. Or GO AND TAKE THAT OIL OFF OF YOUR HAIR, ITS BEEN SO LONG. GO. GO.
    She doesn't talk - she just shouts at the top of her voice for everything!! That too to her son, whom she is should be affectionate and motherly towards.
    FIL -
    We have a electrical part damaged and DH went to FIL to inform this is not working, i will go and repair it in the evening. FIL just rudely said - What will you go and do? you won't understand anything. DH - How won't i understand, i am the one who bought. FIL just said - You don't know anything!
    Both of them think DH has zero capacity to do anything. The thing is i can understand some guys are dependent on their parents, even after marriage - which is fine. But my DH is not, he wants to do things and wants to take responsibility but FIL & MIL keep insulting him for such small things, that it does not even make sense. They literally keep telling him for everything - you don't know how to do this, you can't do this. MIL will keep giving him instructions on how to live everyday life, like now you come to eat, now you go to sleep, keep the shoes here.
    Its extremely frustrating to my DH go through this, because he loves his parents dearly as they have done a lot for him. But i have told to him stand up for himself, he keeps saying - they won't change, they have always done this, and they will always do this. Its not that he is pampered - but they are controlling him beyond life !! And i hate how they behave with him because it will sooner or later lower his self confidence. MILs shouting is considered normal in my home because 'its always what she has done' ... and FILs taking up every thing in his hands even at the age of 70 is taken as it is , because apparently He is the father.
    They are spoiling their owns sons life and bullying him !! They just want to control him.
    Luckily the times DH stands up and speaks out is when MIL & FIL listen to him, but then again its back to the old ways.
    My question is - should i interfere or let it be as who am i to say anything in between parents and their child. I can understand my role in their lives, but if this situation is how it has always been - what right do i have to say anything? Its not that i don't say anything , I have been saying it to DH but he doesn't understand that i am saying this for his good, he just says they are parents, they won't change, they are like that only. But should i keep on continuing saying or leave it, since DH is ok with it ?
     
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  2. Raffaello

    Raffaello Silver IL'ite

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    Hello,

    What's your role when they keep shouting for petty things ... This happens even in my place.. I just tell them he can handle.. I tell them to give him a chance ma... They have brought him up and if they don't trust his abilities then its fault in yours I tell it in a compassionate way to my in-laws .

    They will revert telling you don't know about him also would quote some instances when he screwed up, still I will tell them to leave to him...
    You can't just keep telling your husband to speak up instead play it both ways... Tell him sweetly that they are getting old and need to share the responsibility as your his partner you can help him... Surely if you pinch on both sides you can expect a difference .
    They won't change that's true but they will understand and treat him better next time..
     
  3. messedup

    messedup Platinum IL'ite

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    Leave at and don't think about it. They are family and their bond with each other is much stronger than you. So just let it be and think it's none of your business and IGNORE.
     
    shravs3 and Desiindian like this.
  4. mimi77

    mimi77 Gold IL'ite

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    It's OK to ignore but once in a while just let them know that their son is an adult, married and can easily manage his time and his life... .you may politely request them to treat him lovingly and with respect.....Also make sure that you treat your husband with respect,kindness and love always in front of your inlaws.....
     
  5. Desiindian

    Desiindian Silver IL'ite

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    agree with messedup.
     
  6. Parry22

    Parry22 Silver IL'ite

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    I agree with you, but at the same time, i feel bad as this is not how parents should behave. Have some compassion, be a li'l more soft spoken, he is a grown up man, not a 8 yr old child whom you can dictate your whole life.
     
  7. Parry22

    Parry22 Silver IL'ite

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    I do, i speak very respectfully with him. I never raise my voice and he knows it.
     
  8. Parry22

    Parry22 Silver IL'ite

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    I just observe and see it .
     
  9. jillma

    jillma New IL'ite

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    Hi This is interesting, I shout and wake up my daughter, while my husband will always go near and wake her up calmly. Both the methods are fine with by Daughter. So some of the Shouting could be ok. I think if you must be used to different way of communication, hence, it might look odd. You need not worry much about it if it does not affect you or how DH behaves towards you. Marriage requires us to adapt to new rules and new ways and there are more than one way to do a thing and get the same results. Do not worry and try to reason out with DH, I am sure he is more than capable of handling the bullying from his Dear Parents :):)
     
  10. Parry22

    Parry22 Silver IL'ite

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    How old is your daughter? If she is a child then the situation is different. My view is - You can't go around bullying and yelling at your adult married son! Plus its not a one-off situation. She is always yelling. She doesn't ever talk, she only shouts !!
     
    shravs3 likes this.

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