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Dont Know How To Have Sex

Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by sociallifein30s, Jul 28, 2022.

  1. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    i am sorry i do not agree with the statement Picked a guy from the lot. if this is what marriage is for , i will not blame men then.
     
  2. sociallifein30s

    sociallifein30s Silver IL'ite

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    I think your basis is incorrect here. West's divorce rates, live-ins are all a different tangent altogether. Even in my case, or many other women in this forum, dont go for divorce even if things are not ok and even if they are living in the west. We still have a good percentage of people living with parents. Me included. And thats a given for us. I also lived a lot of my life in USA but I still dont get the idea of moving out at 18 thing. I think the fear of separation or call it sanctity of marriage is still depp rooted for us.
    And with all that said, chemistry doesnt ensure a marriage. 2nd marriage failing is also ok. Frankly, nothing ensures a marriage. We put in our effort with honesty and thats that.

    Over targeted for a child - yes. Focus on my relationship - yes got to do. Its work in progress on both
     
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  3. sociallifein30s

    sociallifein30s Silver IL'ite

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    w
    What exactly about the statement do you not agree?
     
  4. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    True. Divorce rates in indian marriage are lower because of various reasons
    The wife is not financially independent
    She is scared of social stigma.
    Working divorced women face more sexual harassment from colleagues/men in India. This is very true from one of my friends experience.
    Worried about kids future. In USA, the kids are mostly on their own after 18. There is no pressure to get ones daughter married as in India.

    In USA, women Divorce when there is no love/respect in the marriage. Sadly indian women don't have that luxury.
     
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  5. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    He not knowing wherr to put his thingy is like the ultimate lie of his life for sure!.
    ED or not, he clearly has issues with his organ as is reflected upon on the Semen analysis as said by you.
    The whole thing about chemistry n all I dunno but science has its proofs that be it animals or humans all release some chemoattractants at certain moods/seasons which makes them to get intimate. The law of nature is to reproduce.
    Humans need sex for pleasure apart from making babies but also they need to emotionally connect to get intimate...unless someone just go for one night stands or no strings attached type of flings.
    Intercourse in a marriage is different by the mental and emotional connection along with physical.
    If you both are not on same page, physical intimacy is difficult along with his ED problem.
    With such stress amongst both of you, it is not safe to even conceive.
    Please first reduce your stress and reduce thinking abt doing IT only for making a baby even of that's your aim.
    1st try to rectify his physical problem. Then try.
     
  6. sociallifein30s

    sociallifein30s Silver IL'ite

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    I am not sure he thinks he has a physical problem. He gave multiple reasons why he doesnt get straight. like I am not lubricated, bedsheet is slippery, he forgot how to do as it is infrequent (almost 14 days gap with the period, his sa test, mood , latest reasons are he forgot and we did not talk before the deed). With the necessity to do on specific dates, it gets mechanical. So I did ask that we can first build that up and we can participate in the deed only when we feel its romantic, non-mechanical, without speciifc dates etc, but he was not ok with that either.
    Its like hes on the fence - we need to do it now and you be all romantic and get me int he mood to get it straight.
    I am frankly trying to be really kind here. We did that for the first 2 months. When this episode happened is the first time we "timed" it and actually put it inside. Before this, it was just he doing whatever he wants and then putting in the wrong place and ride and get tired and give me suggestions on how I should improve myself. It was quite heartbreaking to see the fertile cycle going by without even actually doing the thing that was necessary. And he was not ready to take the inputs from me on putting in the wrong place. HE took offence when I tried to explain to him
    Just before the last period, I thought I dont want to waste another cycle so I will take charge thist ime and thats when I started holding and putting. So, we did that before period (for my practice, thought I didnt say it aloud) Thats when I also realised it was not even remotely straight. So if I hold and he moves a little, it falls off (sorry TMI). Also, before I asked to get his SA, I got my day 3 tests done, showed to doc. After she said it was not that bad is when I asked him to get his test. Considering my ignorance too, I asked the doc if this is normal. She said that for most men, women have to direct it themselves and that its ok. BUt wiht the "forgetting" thing, I felt guilty if I was being the bad woman here, so I asked if men forget if we dont do for 14 days. I wont forget. but I dont want to go by google answers. She was pretty annoyed at that statement and said its not just your duty and that hes just bullshitting you. She didnt write on prescription, but asked himt o take sildenafil citrate 30min -1hr before deed and to do it int he mornings , not nights.

    hmmm .. sorry my entire marriage is on this thread now..
     
  7. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Not necessarily. For men everything is in plain view as far as their organs are concerned whereas for women everything is hidden. It can be baffling for a first timer. What this fumbling etc indicates to me is that he has never been with a woman before OP. Added to that she says he’s low educated so less knowledge in general to begin with, combined with male pride, reluctance to display ignorance etc lands you in this situation.
     
  8. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    It seems (to me) that you ‘think’ you are ready for all the problems but that you are not in reality.
    This problem with ic is the result of his low education and you are not okay with it. Posted two threads and many posts about your frustration. Just pointing it out as an example.
    You picked a person from the slums, as you put it, with no income and low education thinking he will do as you say and be under your control.
    This is your miscalculation.
    Low education comes with a level of ignorance and an inability to take input or change as you are already discovering in the matter of the ic. People with low level of education are less curious, less interested in change, more stubborn especially when it comes to changing themselves, more likely to have fixed ideas and fixed mindset and more likely to resort to finger-pointing and blame. Added to which you are a woman and the accepted power differential of the society you live in is not in your favor. This is just the beginning. Yes you will reply that ‘I didn’t imagine that even this will be an issue!’ to which my answer is ‘Expect the unexpected’. It kind of becomes a mantra when you embark on the adventure known as marriage. I too did many things I never expected to be doing or dealing with for my kids, my husband my in-laws etc.

    Your words to me and others are brave and as if you are ready and able to take on anything. Your attitude seems to be more like ‘You are not telling me anything new. I’ve already heard all that (possibly from your dad or relatives), and brushed it aside. I’m here now. Tell me how to go forward.’ But I feel you are being stubborn and unwilling to turn back which even now we are saying you can. You can still turn back, it’s not too late, stop here, and terminate your association with the person.

    And btw, I totally disagree with your assertion that you took an educated informed decision. It smacks of desperation to me. An informed decision is what whatsherface took - that Miss Universe - she went in for artificial insemination and has one or two kids. No issues, she announced it also and had them and raised them happily. No legal headaches, no custody issues. Now after so many years she’s found her guy and she’s able to move forward with him also without complications. I do think something similar is the way to go for you and will suit you better.
     
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2022
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  9. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    I think @1Sandhya madam summed is all. When you said Picked a guy from the lot.

    dear op
    , my point is not intended to show that you are wrong or right. just wishing the best. also suggesting, only focus on s.x as child birth is not right. that is too much pressure onyour dh too
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2022
  10. sociallifein30s

    sociallifein30s Silver IL'ite

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    any single women out here who had children with anonymous sperm donors? In India please?
    Let usknow the process
     

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