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Dont Know How To Have Sex

Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by sociallifein30s, Jul 28, 2022.

  1. sociallifein30s

    sociallifein30s Silver IL'ite

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    yea... I visited my doctor today. the other day she saw an egg and asked me to have ic yesterday. And asked me to come today for another scan. I went and she said the egg might have gone thru. It might have been an immature egg which went thru. So since I had "ic" or so I thought yesterday and today, I might have a chance but not to get disappointed if I dont.
    So I asked her about him forgetting how to ic because we didnt do it for almost 2 weeks, she also said that it was plain ********. Even children are getting it straight these days and if he cant, its not my problem. I can help him as a team but such reasons are baseless. thats the summary. She suggested he take some meds before an hour/30 mins of ic.

    BUt one thing is for sure, we do not have great communication or chemistry and we are new to each other. OUr lives have not been kind to us during this time. ONly that he wants children . I want children. But it feels like he is doing me a favour by agreeing to ic and that I need to take care of his fears and capabilities. While I just do pranayama and million tests and scans for my fears and capabilities.

    NOw I need to ask him how often he needs to do so he doesnt forget. He says "weekly" but I think I need to be more specifc - like every 3 days or every 4 days etc. (I mean if we do on 1st, that is sunday and 14th which is next saturday, we are still once a week but gap is 14days so he may forget ) Cant commit to every other day because ... life, job, health, routine, tired. etc.

    I cant figure out how to address all his concerns so I am not in the wrong here.
    Parents are smart. mine sensed something and said that I should not hesitate to tell if I am not happy with something or if somethign is borthering me. I told some parts but not too detail. But im blessed in some aspects.
     
  2. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    I read your thread in horrified fascination. This is not how it’s supposed to be! This is a grotesquely farcical slow moving train wreck. You seem to be hell bent on making this happen with no thought or regard to the consequences. Literally as they say in Hindi ‘tumhare sar par bhoot sawar hai!’

    I’m reminded of this lady I used to know who after much trying and delay conceived her second child 8-9 years later after the first and had another daughter. She told me after the second daughter was born (she was older - late 30’s, had significantly less energy, life became tough juggling the kids husband housework etc) that ‘l don’t know why I was so keen on having another baby! I completely forgot so many things. Mere sar par bhoot sawar ho gaya tha to have a baby!’ Yes she sincerely regretted going in for kid at such a late age and felt her life before kid was much better, easier less complicated.
    Again I would implore you to take a step back and take a good look at the consequences. Think through your situation and all the red flags you are ignoring in this single minded focus to conceive a child. Already this is too long and I’m unsure of your reaction. If you are interested I will be happy to elaborate further on some crucial things you seem unaware of.
    And again I would say consult a good grief counselor. I’m sure your mom would have never wished to see you in your current state.
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2022
  3. sociallifein30s

    sociallifein30s Silver IL'ite

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    hi Sandhya, I read this thru. Please go ahead and elaborate on the points that I am unaware of.
    yea, you got it right, the bhoot sawar on my head is of having a baby. No denying it at all.
    As many others mentioned, I just need to be careful of the husband for his ridiculous reasons to cover up his ED.
    I get that. Even the doctor said that. The way he talks, it has no consequences at all. We are both failed if we dont conceive because that was the basis of this all.

    So, please tell me the things Im unaware of.
     
  4. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    @sociallifein30s There are many aspects to what you trying to do.
    yourself:
    You are 42 now. If you deliver this year, your kid will graduate high school when you are 60. That’s a long time commitment you are taking on, nearly 20 years. Your energy will begin declining in the next 2-3 years just as his energy increases. It will be very hard to keep up with an energetic 6-7 yr old when you are fifty. You will hit menopause the same time the kid hits his teens which will be another absolutely lovely phase of ‘head bashing against concrete wall’. This is just your personal physical energy I’m talking about, I’ve not even touched on the financial expense of kids education getting him/ her settled blah blah.
    The husband: has it crossed your mind that his traits will be inherited by the child? You haven’t mentioned a single thing about your h that you liked or admired, you seem to have picked him solely to go along with your stated purpose so he will create as little fuss as possible. Well that may work for your purpose now but do you really want your kid too to be so passive, jobless, lacking in drive etc? These things have a distressing way of being inherited acc to their own logic, not the way we want. Bernard Shaw was famously propositioned by a beautiful actress ‘our child will have my looks and your (GBS) brains’ to which he replied ‘my dear the opposite is also equally possible’ and turned her down. So think through what you are getting into and with whom.

    You barely get along with your h now. Do you think you will be able to co-parent the child with him? Let me tell parenting our kids were some of the most stressful years in my marriage and we had a strong bond to begin with. The child is an abstract entity rn so your h is taking it casually and everyone is leaving you alone to do the hard slog of bringing him into the world but once he’s born? once the kid is born he’s an entity in his own right and everyone will rush to stake a claim. Your h attitude will change overnight. For starters, the child will take on his father’s name won’t he? It will only get worse from there. Grandparents other relatives everyone will line up. He will become a football and be tossed around in the name of family, khandaan, property etc. Plus your h has no job so all the financial burden of earning if you are together and of alimony/ support if you decide to part ways will be on you anyway. I read how you describe your marriage and your h and it doesn’t seem like there’s much of a strong bond there. These are some stressful times coming up for you and it’s better you sound him out on where he stands on it.
    Even what you are asking him rn is so ridiculous! Stop asking him if he wants a child! Obviously he’ll say yes - you are the one doing all the work rn, and if successful you will deliver him a nice baby that he can call his own. What does he have to lose? Nothing! Instead what you should ask him is - how is he going to support this child and you when the time comes? What’s his contribution going to be? And when is he going to start doing something about that? What’s his plan?
    The child - finally the child itself. So desired by you but has it crossed your mind that it’s its own entity? They say children come through us not of us. The kid will have a mind and a will of his own, he/she may inherit the worst combination of your h’s traits. He may well suck up all your money and energy for the next 18 years and then disappear from your life proclaiming ‘my life, my choice.’ Many youngsters are doing this nowadays. Then what will you do? This is in case you want the kid as some kind of retirement insurance. Never a good idea in my opinion. Just want to point out there’s a good possibility that you take on all this hard work for next 20 years and still end up alone in your 60’s!
    Finally your grief - Look I get it. Grief makes us do strange things. I too went through a phase, not quite as drastic as yours, but out of character for me nevertheless, when my own mother passed away a few years ago. I just changed myself totally and started to be/do everything she had ever wanted me to or had scolded me for not learning to do well enough in her lifetime. Many relatives wondered at the change in me. I went through this phase for 3-4 years before I slowly came out of it. A lot of how I stopped was due to my kids or h repeatedly telling me ‘we don’t really care whether you do x or make y or not. But you get super tense about it we don’t know why which we hate. So please stop.
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2022
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  5. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Continuing…
    I bring it up because I see stuff like this from you.
    This is not true. I hope you realize that. I feel you need talk to someone about some of these ideas that you have developed. These ‘successes’ and ‘failures’ are something you have subjectively set up in your mind. And partly I feel this is coming from your grief. As is the wanting to give tea and coffee like your mom or her generation ladies used to - you are trying to recreate that whole situation, in my opinion. You really should go talk to someone.

    Anyway that’s what I wanted to say. Hope you find some of it useful.
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2022
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  6. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    OP,
    Dont waste your time and go direct for test tube baby. I appreciate you for many reasons. You are trying to make things happen in such a difficult set up. Hats off to you for that. You and your hus both are in early 40s. You must have selected your husband based on many positive criteria. Just keep them in mind always. He must be having good parents, good family background, good money, health, etc..if those qualities are still there in him go for test tube baby without waiting for a second.
    It's very sad part that some people dont know some things. It cant be taught in school practically and only a good supporting wife can teach that. May be your husband is blessed with many other good qualities, so even if he fails in sex part can you continue to live your life with him for another 50 60 years. Think over it and proceed further. What you want in life is more important than anything else and also remember that all the people dont get everything perfect in life. Adjust with some imperfections if you can else take a call on continuing further with him.
     
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  7. sociallifein30s

    sociallifein30s Silver IL'ite

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    so, you
    thank you for taking time and writing these. Also, I understand you followed my other posts too. So thank you really for your time.

    If I understand right, you dont think having a child in 40s is wise. I wanted to have a child since my teens and life never worked out. I cant keep complaining or crying for the rest of my life that "things" were not perfect for what I wanted. I took an educated and informed decision.

    As for his genes , I guess genes can come in any form right? No one in atleast 7 generations on either side of my parents were divorced. I got a divorce. My mum went of a heart attack. Her father went of cancer. Her mom and grand mother lived till 90, no health issues. My father is a gold medalist physics pg. My mum's highest degree marks were 39 out of 100. So where do I stand? Who is to say what genes will come from where.

    finally your point on not to ask him if he wants children or ic. My only point is that I dont want to force him into anything. I need to be "correct" here. Since we dont have the "chemistry" of understanding things by default, I feel I need to say it and ask it explicitly.

    I understand that he will have a nice baby after all my hardwork. Yea, his name, his family , stakes etc. I acknowledge it and made peace. The thing that was disturbing is about giving him alimony. I havent thought about it. He was a slum dweller when I brought him home. So I dont know how it works. But I'll have to collect information on it.
    ************************* The thing that is problematic in him is his denial of an ED. And his lame excuses of slippery bedsheets and forgetting to have ic. I think I will make rules that it will be alternate day between day 10 and day 20. So thats that. He cant blame me for his nonsense. Maybe I will give him some pills ********************************

    he cant support a child. He doesnt have that job or education. I dont know if something happens magically and he becomes some fancy elite degree and earns a truck load of money , I dont know. BUt right now, I got into this thinking that I will be the primary feeder. I dont want to be that person who brings a loser and puts pressure to fit my elite peers. I think thats borderline harassment.

    And no, I am not trying to make a baby as an mode of a support system for my old age. It is for my experience. It is for my fulfilment. My need to nourish. whatever.

    If I got your point right, you think I should break this marriage off now because he cant support the child. cant be good at ic. I should not have a baby now because Im 40+ now and will be at a loss of energy when the child grows up. I am somehow of a different opinion here. THere are some women in this forum who encouraged having a child at 40+ too.

    And grief, yea thats not going away any time soon. So its going to stay here.
     
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  8. sociallifein30s

    sociallifein30s Silver IL'ite

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    thank you my friend. ivf /iui is the nearest option. BUtwe have not tried even one cycle properly so have to make the effort. Its for my peace of mind that I did make the effort/
     
  9. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    I would not use simply age as an excuse to not have children.
    For full disclosure I had my one and only child at age 45 after a long, brutal struggle.
    Yes, it is less than ideal from a physical energy point of view. It is not the life I had envisioned. At an age where all my high school friends are planning girls’ weekends and sipping margaritas while adjusting to their empty-nester lives I’m barely out of the diaper-changing phase. We have to keep our strength up to run around our energetic preschooler. I realize that we may not live long enough to see our grandchildren. But I would not change anything.
    Life does not come with guarantees. I have often heard the refrain that we will be in our sixties when our child graduates high school, but God willing we will be 60+ regardless. We did not want to look back with regrets. And at this age we are also better prepared financially to cope with all the expenses.
    In your situation there are other glaring red flags so you should address those honestly.
     
  10. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    Age is not a bar to have children..i had my daughter at 40..i was super energetic now she us 2..superenergetic not becoz i took any age defying supplements but i was dying to do so..i got what i wanted after a lot of struggle and i never feel lacking in energy..i feel low energy while cooking and doing stuff i dont like
    One more thing when i was 26 i was pushed into marrying by acquaintainces who thought by 25 every girl should marry but now i see 30+ women marrying late anx having established careers and enjyojng lives..So age is a no. for me.
     

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