Dont ever argue!

Viswamitra · Apr 6, 2012

Dear Cheeniya Sir,

I am going to state one fact about arguments. There is a profession that thrives on arguments. When they go to their work place, all they do is to argue. But even when they ask questions to a witness, sometimes the lawyer representing the opposing side states, "Objection. Argumentative". Immediately the judge mostly says, "sustained" and occasionally says, "overruled".

If the argument is to state the truth or bring out the truth, it is okay. If we need to present additional statements to prove our words earlier, it is not worth attempting. It is dead even before it was born.
Arguments are won the moment the other sides decibel increases. That is when one side got convinced in their mind that the other party won the argument but continue to verbalize more to justify their original position to satisfy their ego. We need to stop arguing at that stage. We win the argument in thoughts and not in words.

Viswa

shyamala1234 · Apr 6, 2012

Dear Sri,

Sometimes not to argue needs a lot of will power, but it is worth, if we are successful in not arguing.

But we all do argue at times. Arguing for argument sake is a pointless waste of time, nothing to gain. Time, energy and friendship is lost.

For some it is a habit, an automatic reaction of saying something contradictory to whatever is being said If one argues, contradicts, one may achieve a victory sometimes, but it will be an empty victory because one would never get the goowill of the opponent.One can shout, scream and argue, but people are not going to believe unless they want to believe it.Nobody would change one's mind if he doesn't want to. Nine out of ten times an argument ends with each side more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right.

O.k we win an argument and feel fine what about him? We made him inferior and hurt his pride.Is the winning worthy? No, I don't think so.

Syamala

kelly1966 · Apr 6, 2012

Hi Cheeniya..
wonderful topic.. all I can say is that after many downfalls.. hardships.. and highly avoidable hassles I've learnt the bitter sweet lesson of" futile arguments".. when I was young I was hot headed and quite forth right and undiplomatic but slowly life taught me valuable lessons and specially after marriage and in laws.. also working.. managing office/ home.. staff.. maids etc all this put together has brought about a change of attitude.. change of life's perspective..slowly ne learns to be patient.. forgiving.. non reactive..
I don't know which person I prefer more but one thing I realised is that if calling a spade ... a spade hurts some one or is going to cause a negative effect on my relationship with that person then its better to agree to call it a "gardening tool used to scoop the mud" after all it means the same!!!...
Kerman

Cheeniya · Apr 6, 2012

Dear Viswa
If the purpose of an argument is to bring out the truth, then it ceases to be an argument and becomes a debate. Adi Sankara had any number of debates during his spiritual mission and the debate he had with Mandana Mishra was the jewel in his crown. Arguments on the other hand are merely noisy brawls aimed at merely establishing one's superiority over the other. They are just vain.

You are mentioning about the lawyer's arguments. How can we say that they are intended to bring out the truth? They are only meant to protect the interests of his clients even if they are guilty. I had a boss in the Bank who would always conclude his argument with the words 'OK, we agree to disagree!' if he could not convince the other party.
Sri

Cheeniya · Apr 6, 2012

Dear Syamala
The American humorist Dave Barry sums up the tendency to argue in his inimitable style. Says he, “I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.”

I don't think there can be a better way to spell out the deleterious effects of arguments. You have summed it beautifully in your last para. A victory in an argument is no victory at all. It reminds me of the effect of Kalinga War on Emperor Asoka. Being a highly evolved soul, he understood the futility of such victories and opted to become a Buddhist. He spent his entire life thereafter in the propagation of Buddhism.
Sri

Cheeniya · Apr 6, 2012

Dear Kerman
Calling a spade 'a gardening tool used to scoop the mud' is the most diplomatic way of avoiding an argument. In the movie 'Love Story', there is a memorable dialogue which I am very fond of quoting. 'Love means never having to say you are sorry'. When it comes to arguments between lovers, “Love is saying 'I feel differently' instead of 'You're wrong.'”

In retrospect, I find that I have not lived my seventy years in vain. I have learnt to avoid all the hurtful words that may take people away from me. I strongly believe that words are meant to foster friendship, not enmity!
Sri

rgsrinivasan · Sep 13, 2012

Thats quite a nice post Cheeniya Sir and poured a piece of wisdom. Thanks for sharing. So, just going down to write one more -

I may not agree to what you say,
But that doesn't give me the right
To ridicule you or your views per se,
It shows my immaturity downright.

There is no point in proving that
What I said is correct to you.
I should be ready to accept that
I might be incorrect too.

I may win a long argument
After much of a hardship.
But its not good to recommend
As I may lose a relationship.

I can't expect the whole world
To think in the same way I do.
Listening to views of young and old
Will make me better and wiser too.

-rgs

Cheeniya · Sep 13, 2012

My dear RGS
You have brought the very essence of whatever I had tried to convey through my long and laborious sentences in those four beautiful stanzas. I am amazed how even a simple fact of life can be made extremely colourful when conveyed through a verse. Valluvar and Avvayar followed this technique to great advantage!
Sri

shobana sridhar · Sep 14, 2012

Dear cheeniya sir
no arguments from my side sir.I rest my case and surrender:cheers
A beautiful write up sir
Thank you
shoba

Cheeniya · Sep 14, 2012

Dear Shobha
Refusal to get drawn into an argument is not surrender. It is a sign of wisdom. I am happy you have it in abundance. Thank you for coming in to offer your comment.
Sri