"Don’t get me a bad name at your ILs house!"-Help me with my next issue! :(

I would say, with eye contact. "stop! Don't you dare talk badly if my parents. They are immensely better human beings because I haven't once heard them talk ill of others so baselessly." Then leave the room to do something I enjoy.

Another one one I have used is, a stare followed by, "I have been taught to respect people who deserve the respect by treating me with respect. There is no reason for someone as highly educated and employed as me to take this nonsense from anyone." Then leave the room to do something I enjoy.

Also so talk about your family with pride. Talk about them being so much more forward thinking and broad minded than others who are just petty and pointlessly mean. Most importantly, HER bad behaviour is no reflection on you or your parents. She chooses to be an unpleasant bully. And shame on her.

In my case, there was a lot of loud protest to begin with. I showed nothing but disgust and disdain. Once a neighbour came when MIL was being a cow and asked what was going on. I just gave a wan smile and said, "Some people just don't know how to be dignified." while totally not doing what MIL was expecting me to do.

The point is this. I can do anything for the person who is being polite. Any impolite word or order, even if it is "Ey! Bring me water!", I would just not oblige. I've said, "Ask me in a proper tone and I can do it. Otherwise, you can get it yourself." When you don't budge, defend yourself politely and directly call on their bad behaviour, they mellow down. At least they don't mess with you.

 

Hi OP, first of all, please don't get so agitated and worked-up. You come across a person with strong feelings and a strong sense of equality and because you see an unequal society, it irks you no end. It reflects even in the font that you write. Be calm. And yes, there's no need for you to mention your parents' profession in an anonymous forum - saying this for the protection of your anonymity. We will believe you even otherwise.
Coming to your point of abuse by MIL where she abuses your parents esp mother, I have some replies.

Say with a sense of pity - Ohho ohho, looks like someone is burning in envy, right ? In Hindi it would be like "kuchh jalne ki boo aa rahi hai sasoo ma. Kabhi aapne noukri kiya nahi, ghar se bahar nikali nahi, paise kamaye nahi, toh jalan toh hogi na! "My mother has her own identity, which you lack, so you are jealous".

"You were at home, but look at your son's sankaras. Look at him, he did this, he did that" i.e "Aapke bete se toh acche hi sanskaar hain" in Hindi

"Hey, looks like someone is in the 18th century. Mom, do you want to be teleported into the Mughal Era" ? or "Mothers need to teach both sons and daughters, and my mother did this job well. You bother only of what you did". "IF you say something, that doesn't become the gospel truth".

You can reply sarcastically like the above or like GuessHoo suggested - pointblank and plain. Take your pick. I never advocate 'talking back' or 'replying back' to elders/In-laws unless it comes to your parents, in which case, you should. Nip it in the bud before it becomes too late. There is a lot of bitterness in you, better to take it out like this.

 

OP,
I can hear your anger.

But giving back to your MIL is not your answer.

Let the steam out somewhere else. Come back with a calm heart and a clear mind and try to understand not the words that are coming out of her mouth, but the intent that is coming out of her heart.

Tit for Tat might help you let out steam for a brief second. But you will have to handle the backlash. You need better thought and patience.


Just 'cos she says that your parents are not good, doesn't make them so. Also, she is judging your parents through you. More than talking ill of your parents, they are scrutinizing you. Why? Think about it.

( I am in no way saying there is anything wrong with you. I am simply saying that instead of focussing on the symptom, find the underlying disease which is coming out through the symptom and treat the disease, not the symptom )

 

I should have read your other thread before getting some context. You are the Washing Machine girl.

Like I tell in all threads about in-law issues, its more an issue of your spouse than in-laws. What role does he play in all this? Why is he not fixing it?

 

unfortunately whether the mom is working or not,MIL's will find a way to drag the gals parents! that is the sad fact!

Also,if ur mom was not working,Iam sure she will find some other reason to insult u and your family.

If u take me,I have a brother for whom we are looking for an alliance
I am already a dil to a mil like urs! So either way,I am a dead meat for being a SIL and a DILIt is a very very sad state to be caught between both.Only girls with brothers will understand.

Anyways,no matter what I say is ur MIL is being very unreasonable in talking to u like this.Tell her that u would appreciate if she did not drag your parents in every conv and that it is a rude thing.I can totally relate to u and it hurts so bad I hope ur MIL gets the point.

 

OP,

Anger, especially the helpless type that you exhibit is more harmful to you than anyone else. Society is really irrelevant. It is filled with all kinds of people. People like you and people who harass their in laws and every shade in between. What you do is what matters.

Instead of fuming in silence, speak out. Ask her to shut up or ignore her and face the consequences. You don't need fancy comebacks or tricks. What you need is an attitude change.

Your problems are not society's fault. It is caused by your desperate need for approval. So she is going to say that you have no manners or that you are a bitch.

You are not a kid in the playground. You are a grown women who is a doctor for God's sake. Get over it. Part of being an adult is to accept that some people do not like you. So grow up, be an adult, get a spine and ask her to shut up.

What are you really scared of? What can she do to you? Scream at you, insult you, insult your parents, have your husband scream at you, what??

You are obviously smart. Stop and think about what scares you/ hold you back.

I am sorry if my response seems to be over simplifying things but it works for me. I may not have a great relationship with my in laws but we are respectful to each other.

 

Hi Chillbreeze I also for a while have been following Guesswho advice and I will tell you from my perspective what is in store. She will stop talking to you-be prepared for this she will turn FIL and SIL and other members against you and she will try to osterize you. Stand tall and ignore and keep moving forward. She will also try to fill your DH ears. If that does not work then she will begin yelling and complaining about petty things and you just don't take the bait, smile and walk away. I did this and it was sheer torture the amount of abuse she through at me, but I did not care, my DH was sometimes on my side sometimes not I did not care. Now she is so mad she says we have to move out and we are. Who won in the end I did, with the Grace of God. Who wanted to live there anyways, she told DH that she can't stand me so he said we have to leave and I'm like ok- just be prepared for awkwardness and abuse- and just walk by it. Then no one can blame you and she will continue to throw tantrums and will escalate and then DH will take note of what a freak she is being.