domestic violence- what to do?

Dear needhelp123,

Visu has explained it to you all. He is right and it took seven years for me to realize and accept it.
About your decision about divorce, take your time. Tell your family that you need some time to think about your life. In my case, my family and friends explained me the normal relationship of a husband and wife and what kind of situation I was in and gave me time to decide. You need to be convinced in your mind and heart about your decision so that you will never regret about it in future. So, take time. Think about past incidents, come to a decision and after making a decision never dwell in past (whatever decision it might be). Explain to your parents that you understand their concern for you but you need more clearer mind to make a decision.
May God be with you in this tough time. Be strong.

 

Visu has put it EXACTLY... it is ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.

In my case, the guy used to proudly say that what he did was correct as I provoked him to do so. These guys are absolutely headstrong and egoist. For no reason on Earth they will admit their mistake to the victim.

These guys do not even hesitate to change their color and in a moment can turn to a loving husband, when they are in need. After beating me, htis guy used to show off as if his hands are paining because he hit me !!!! For me the guy used be extremely polite and caring and would agree to whatever I say or do, when he had to ask for money from me.

Absolutely. Many a times these guys are well aware of their mistakes (though will never admit) and are very conscious so save their image in society. So when he gets a signal that u might leave him, he would put all sorts of show and blackmailing tricks. Exactly the same the guy did with me. As long as he thought I would put up with him whatever he does, he used to threat me that he would commit suicide if I donot go by his whims and instructions and even threatened me to murder me and divorcing me.

On the other hand, when he saw that I decided to leave him, he started blackmailing me telling that he would commit suicide if I leave him as he loved me! This guy, so mean, that even wasn't ashamed to go the Director of our Office (we are colleagues) and cry telling his love for me. If any one loves his wife, would he try all possible means to defame his wife publicly.


Dear Needhelp,
I am visiting this post after a long time, but updated myself seeing the last posts.

Sorry, it may appear that I am out bursting my frustration and anger of the past relation! But Dear, I wanted to share my experience with you.

I know each and every such case is unique. However, others' experience may help in opening your eyes and take right decision.

Do not get carried away by your love for him, possibly he doesn't deserve it. Let those be in your treasure of sweet memories. But do not waste much time. Think very practically and objectively. Do not get fooled by this manipulators sweet words.

This is YOUR LIFE after all. You need not waste your wonderful life for a stubborn jerk, Dear

 

Now you have these guilt feelings. if you choose to separate now, this guilt would prick. You cannot forget and move on, unless you get rid of this guilt - how can you do this? - read on. This is not the only way. Please try thinking along these lines and remmeber the goal is - 'riddance fo the guilt'.

Eventually you have to separate, but the best way to do it without having to go through these guilt feelings is that, prove to yourself that these guilt feelings are wrong and you were wrong all along.

Now that you have been separate for certain period of time with the thoughts of letting this person go, but still think something will change. Go see for yourself, if anything changes. This will help you in both ways. if notice change well and good and if you do not, that’s good too. It will drive all those guilt feelings and you will be happy that you choose to separate. Test it. Agree to stay with him. Set an time period for yourself. When you live with the person, you will definitely know if they are really changed or just “laying” low for a bit to earn your trust. Trust your instincts. Good Luck.

Edit: By doing this (by going to him - test run), you are not giving him a chance. Know that you are preparing your self, if you have to seperate.

 

Well said Visu2k but how does one break the cycle ?

Will the abuser grant a divorce since he is emotionally dependent on the victim ?
It appears that he would not let the victim stay away in peace , as it hurts his ego.
Maybe the abuser has a massive inferiority complex due to abusive childhood but why should another person suffer just because she is unfortunately married to him ?

 

That is what you and I think, why should "another" person suffer just because she is married to him. They don't think that way, they don't think that the victim is a unique individual, another person with her own identity, an individual capable enough to take decisions that affects her own life. It is like they go and buy a TV set, use it for their entertainment, never bothering about it unless they need some entertainment. Of course, they would be pissed off if they lose their TV set and do whatever they can to get it back. So to this extent, when the victim leaves them, they feel that they lost someone whom they can control, subjugate, show off their superiority, beat when they want and show love the other time.

For a normal individual, true realization of one's own mistakes comes on one's own without influence of fear or favor. And the realization doesn't take time, it will come right after a mistake. For a habitual abuser however realization of their mistakes is a remote feeling. After every episode of abuse they always feel that the victim deserved it or they don't have other option to "set the victim straight". So now you can understand that there is no real consideration to the victim's feelings forget about her hurt. If they did have they would apologize immediately not wait for the victim to leave and use apologies as a manipulation tool.

Most abusive husbands have a wife who is either entirely dependent financially on the husband or less accomplished than him to the extent of nodding to whatever he says or someone who even if having her own career can be easily subjugated and who prefers peace to confrontation even if it means at the cost of her own self-respect. So it is the victim who also is responsible in a way for tolerating (and encouraging) the abusive behavior.

How to break the abusive cycle?

Simple, by getting out! By leaving the abuser and shutting off all communication channels with him. Being always on guard as the abuser can try to take a revenge after all his attempts to win her back, fail. Also if possible taking a restraining order against him. Yes, it is true the abuser will not let the victim to be on her own. It is a big disappointment for him that her life doesn't revolve around his.

These things are simple than done, as most victims are still hopeful (despite having been through severe verbal and physical abuse) that they can salvage their marriage and they also worry about their future (if they are financially dependent) away from their abusive spouse.

 

Wow! it was like reading past 8 years of my life.

 

Thanks Visu2K for the reply.
It appears that there is no peace for the abused wife , running for restraining order , meeting lawyers etc and the divorce may take years or never happen. The abuser will never settle for a mutual divorce unless he wants it.
The habitual abuser never apologise as he is always right. Such people are also selfish to the extent of disregarding their kids and their future.

The abuser can ask the court to send the wife back through Restoration of Conjugal Rights Act unless she has applied for a divorce.
Pure bad luck to be married to a psycho , hopefully there is divine justice !

 

kAlyaniShAnti:hatsoff.I second whatever you are saying. :iagree