domestic violence- what to do?

I have to be firm here and tell you some things though I might sound rude here:hide:

You really have to take a break or just go back to him and beg and plead to be with him...

He is exhibiting all the characteristics of a typical narcissistic abusive person. He starts chatting, says he loves n misses you and immediately talks about marrying someone else...if I were you, I would have immediately cut short the conversation and would have told him take a hike and just start planning my life without such jerk around!

You wont understand how much time and energy you are loosing and wasting on this nasty guy...but after couple of months/years you would surely feel..wish i had put my foot down long back:bonk so please learn from experiences of our friends here, who have been sharing so much info and their experiences. Utilize those to your best and STOP chatting with him. Keep absolutely ZERO contact wtih him. DONT wait for him to chat with you. BE UNAVAILABLE for sometime. you being available all the time makes it soo easy for him to insult you and he jerking around all the time! Concentrate on other areas of life before its too late and before you feel you were cheated (because what would you do if he really files for divorce and gets married again:bonk think about those what if situations..)

If he wants to change and be with you, he would come to you, he wont show this dual behaviour. If he cant have a clarity in mind on what he wants from you and this marriage, how can he actually give any happiness to anyone! Think about it.

Last but not least...any woman should first of all be happy with what she is and what she has!! and that brings out the confidence in her and it would make others look at her with respect and dignity! If you succumb to his nasty talks and keep worrying what he is upto, it shows that without him you dont have a life!! Is that the case????if someone beats you up black and blue, still you are waiting n waiting for him online , available, for him to just start chatting with you...doesnt it sound desperate??? so think and act!! if you cant think with clear mind...write here about what are your fears. STart taking action on your inner fears than on him or this marriage.

 

needhelp123,

If I were you I would take SriVidya75's suggestion and keep absolutely NO contact with him for at least sometime for my own good.

 

needhelp,

Take up your job with full concentration.Get your mind free from all other negative(Your hubby's DV and his games).Iam sure things will work out for you very well:thumbsup

 

I can say only one thing, god gives us signals and warnings when things are off track, we have to pick up those signals and start acting on them, if we dont we would end up in woods and at that time no point in blaming god /anyone.

If you could see your post, still you are making this chatting as your first priority which would take back seat only if you start getting busy at work. That shouldnt be the case. However I also know old habits die hard. To break from this circle you would need time as just recently you realised how toxic is your relationship with him.

I would suggest step away from PC as much as you can. Give yourself some timelines on how much time you would spend on PC and make a routine hour by hour . Yes every day . Or join some classes hobby classes where you would be busy and away from PC. DO NOT wait for him on PC for him to come online. Always be invisible to him. Let him figure out whats going on with you and he should get that time away FROM YOU to even rethink about what all happened and how he wants his future to be.By the way you have to control yourself to know if he is alright because..does he have the same kind of thought about you?? if not then why worry about such people? If someone beats you up, and you want to know whether that person is doing alright or not??:bonkdoesnt it sound lame??he should be glad that he was not put in Jail. So enough of you worrying about him. First take care of yourself and your emotions then everyone shouldbe priority.

Am sure all of us think we are weak, we are emotional etc.etc..but at the same time that strength to stand up also lies in us. Just realizing our own strengths is important.

 

Dear NeedHelp,

Again your situation made me post a few words here, Dear. Your situation matches that of mine (I WAS) almost 90%.

Beating and abusing in one side, and 'showing' love (I would say 'showing' as I have 100% doubt whether these kinds of guys do understand what Love is) on the other side is a easy way to manipulate girls like us, who for everything try to find fault in themselves and loose the power of rational thinking as (probably) they love their husbands.

If the husbands family is in financial trouble, it is never the responsibility of the girl's parents to make it up. If the girl is working, the husband and wife can share the responsibility, but no way her parents.

All the marriages have good moments. But that alone do not justify that the girl has to be continuously under trials and tribulations.

Bad childhood can and does leave a bad effect of man's life, but no way at the cost of sufferings on one's partner.

Come out of any kind of dilemma. Think rationally.
Take a job, if u are not working.
Give him a definite duration of time to judge him and rectify himself (only professional psychologist or psychiatrist can help these guys).

Give yourself enough time but not long enough that you are deprived of golden age of your life (as for me I took 10 long years to accept that he is a sadist, psycho)

Take care

 

OK here is what I know ( I have a sister who went through this ).

An abuser will always have a reason to abuse. After abusing, they feel justified that the victim deserved abuse for what they did and this remorseless feeling can continue for few hours or days. The only way they realize the harm they did is when the get punished themselves (like you leaving him).

There are two facets to such people. One is short term where they feel that their abuse justifies the reason and that the victim deserved it. The long term is they know what they did is not right but they didn't have an option (they will try to do something to make him/her happy, like carrot-stick treatment, so he/she forgets). So with this thought process the abuse goes in cycles and there is no real remorse on the part of abuser.

One more important thing to note is, in most cases, the abuser is emotionally dependent (even though controlling the victim) on the victm. So they never want the victim to leave them. If the victim indeed leaves, they will use all sorts of emotional blackmail. In the OP's case his saying that he misses her, loves her or even getting concerned about her well being. One thing to note here is, the abuser is doing these things as they have to do it to win back the victim and not because they have reformed. Remember, they always had their reason why they abused their victims.

It is not possible to hazard a guess that a abuser is truly reformed, even if he says so. Only he knows whether he truly realized that abuse is never a way to treat their spouse and will never do it again.

 

Visu this is for you:bowdown:bowdownSpecially for the above highlighted words!! Couldnt have analyzed any better than what you said!! This is a very valid and right on target statement!!!!