domestic violence- what to do?

Needhelp, All of them who responded in this thread have given you wonderful advice. Let me also show a reality which is slightly different from other's view. Why becoz I was a victim of Domestic Violence myself.I will never wish my past on anybody. My husband was abusive for quite sometime. I thot he will realize by himself. But that never happened.I dont know but one day I felt like I had enough and took legal action. I am glad I did becoz that was the jolt we both needed.Me to realise it will never stop and for him to realise that I had a voice too . Amazingly with that like a puzzle falling together we were set to go as a couple. Mind you it was with lot of in laws interference of filling my husband's brains with he was right and I was wrong to do it. Imagine they did consistently for 6 months after his arrest. Everyday thru mails or fone calls. My husband was amazingly just listening to it but doing nothing as they said.

The point of telling this incident is my husband was ready to change himself.I just gave him the required push.I changed myself to become who I was and not remain a scared person like I had become in my marriage.He saw that abusing will destroy him and do no good. At this point you are not with your husband .Reading all your follow up posts, I feel he is not making any positive effort to reconcile . What he mentioned about talking to the priest is not a fact if you ask me.

He said he would like to go with me to some marriage counsellor.

STOP!!. This is NOT A MARITAL PROBLEM. This is an personality disorder. He is abusive in nature . Why do you need to go see a marriage counsellor for a problem he has. Marriage counsellors fix marriage problems. Not abusive people. He needs to take anger management classes. That only works if he wants to benefit from it. Not go there and be as he is. Until he does that nothing can help him.

It is very obvious that he only take this step because I have insisted him.

Doesnt this say a lot. He shud be volunteering to do this to save your marriage. Marriage is not a one man show. So if he doesnt want you even if you do a million things to get back, it wont work and you will be separated. Stop contacting him and you take up a hobby or a job. Fill your spare time. He needs to realise that your life doesnt revolve around him. Same with you too. You need to stop thinking about him for sometime and concentrate on yourself. I am not talking divorce but just separation for sometime. If he does something to solve all his problems like take anger management classes and changes himself to a normal husband then think of going back . Provided he is consistent in his efforts for some time.

What is the point of you reading all advice here and then going back and forth to you want to get back to your husband by remaining in contact with him. You need to cut him off cold turkey. Its only for sometime. If you keep contacting him he will see how desperate you are to get back to him and take advantage of the situation.Take advantage meaning do nothing and try to get you back by blaming you for everything.Do you want that.If not then dont contact him , do something to occupy your mind . You will come to know what he is doing if you are in same city as him. You are in a small way enabling him to not take a proper step by consistently being in contact with him.

The separation has not sunk into both of you. He is acting like you are on a holiday in your parents place and you are doing the same by not letting him think the reality of present situation. He has to face the fact that until he gets help about his abusive nature and benefits from it, you wont come back. You both need to face the stark reality of this fact. You do this on your part and let him know the same. That might help him face it too.Some lessons are hard to teach and this is one of them. Do it . If it helps him then you can save your marriage. Good Luck.

 

Dear

You have been so patient and wanting to fix things all this while and nothing seemed to work as he was not interested in mending things.Coming to how long you have to wait or can wait, please remember that you joining a job, moving away for a while is all to make you strong down the line, to ensure no matter how difficult its goingto be in future, this step would makeyou strong and bold and to decide wehther you really want to live with this guy!

If it had been so unpredictable all this time, think what if you had kids from this marriage? would things have been easier?? NO. So for you to move forward with this marriage, a major change is needed. if that change doesnt come along, its good if you live by yourself and let the things take its course rather than you pursuing them to mend things.

This job would make you strong and confident and again you would be back to normal life and you would understand how happy you would be with no abuse or tension around!

 

Now that you are living away from him and he is not able to abuse you in person, he is playing mental games with you long distance. He knows that making demands like that will trouble you. It's his way of trying to stay in control of the situation.

The sad truth is, you might be waiting forever if you chose to wait. A lot of times abusive people stay abusive life long. And a few, like in Chocolate's case, actually take steps to improve and save their marriage. But I would say, abusive men who are able to change into great husbands are very, very rare. The problem is, YOU cannot initiate this change. The change has to come from HIM. And that is the problem, you have to decide how long you are going to let YOUR life hang in the balance waiting for HIS magic moment.

His recovery would take years. It would require him to totally reprogram the way he handles conflict and relationships. The first step is admitting he has a problem and seeking help. At this point, he doesn't even think there's a problem. Basically, he is not on the path to recovery. He is not even on the same planet as recovery. And if somehow he ever made it to that path it would take tons of time for him to reform himself. Does that sound possible to you? To me, it sounds like a long shot. But you know him best, so dwell on that for a little bit and think whether he is ever truely likely to seek help. A priest doesn't count. Priests are experts in religious matters, not reforming abusive personalities. Your husband needs to stop playing his little mind games and start seeking professional help. As for his latest threat about permanent seperation, let this play out and see where it goes. He hardly seems like a guy you could call up and reason with, so lay low and try to build an independent life for right now.

 

He replied that nothing will ever change.

Doesnt this say a lot. He is in denial. I remember my FIL telling me my son is not at fault , you provoked him.I told him just one thing, okay so be it. I only wish your daughter the same joy as your son gave me. You know what his reply was . Dont wish my daughter the same. Its not double standards but just plain denial of son's deeds and proving how dumb his talk can be.If I was really at fault he cud have said so let my daughter be in same problem.



my DH said to go home (talking about not having guts) Maybe this drastic wake up call could have also helped us.

First of all he chickened out. Instead of admitting it, he blamed you.There is no hard and fast rule that what I did may work for you. Your husband looks like a stubborn person. He is time and again threatening you to dire things instead of doing something to show he wants to get back to you. If he returns the thali so be it. This is not old times where it was a hard and fast rule to put thali all the time for long lives of husbands. We putting it/ removing it wont alter their life lines. So remove that thought and move on to next thing you need to do.

Dont ask him to do anything. Whatever he does just listen and take back things he gives.Be stone hearted. It has to be either sink or sail . So be ready to face a lot of things like this. If he comes to harm you again dont let it go. Becoz even today I feel for not taking action , the first time my husband abused me.That thought I have to live with forever.I regret it always but it consoles me to say I set right everybody in my in laws by doing this.

Now you need to come to terms with the fact that its in your husband's hands to make this relationship or break it. If he wants to get back with you he has to do it. ITS ONLY HIM. Not you and him. But only HIM.Dont feed him anything in this regard. See if he comes around by himself. If he does. Well and good. Otherwise good riddance to life long hell. I am sorry it may sound rude but its also a fact.

When my husband was arrested , I was ready to either divorce him or see if he made an effort to get back. I told my parents I will leave him if he is not motivated to change himself. My parents agreed to it and my husband changed to a totally different person.So I will say you also need to think in these lines and toughen yourself. We women are much stronger than we come across.So if we decide to one thing we are better people to stick to it or do it.Dont give your husband an inkling that your resolve is weakening of him seeking help. Its the very reason you went to your mom's place. If you wanted him to work on it with you , you wud have stayed back , right? You didnt.So think on same lines. I know I remember for about 15 days after my husband's arrest , I used to cry a lot. But as days went by , pain also went down and I was a new person.For you too with each passing day you will feel less and less sad and more and more free like a caged bird freed.

If he initiates divorce so be it. If its meant to be , nobody can help it. The most important thing to consider here is whether you feel safe with him after you go back. If your answer is no then maybe divorce is a small price to pay for life long safety and peace of mind. Good Luck.

 

Dear NeedHelp,

I can understand your situation...

I agree with FL that these kinds of persons do not change.

I have gone through similar situation of verbal and physical abuse, financial torture ( I am working lady and that b****d swindled me of my money and exploited my love for him) and what not. I tried all possible ways, starting with trying through open discussion (without loosing my temper), then discussing with his parents (wanted to discuss with his friends, if he had one), then eventually speaking out on his face when he used to beat me or push me out of the house and then went to a psychiatrist at the last.

As you think, I also used to think that he was confused with something with me, might need help, so tried probably all possible ways for 9 long years. (I thank God that I don't have a kid, otherwise the little one also would have gone through a painful experience no doubt, as THESE MEN DO NOT CHANGE!). He was firm and stubborn that WHAT HE WAS DOING WAS RIGHT... only at times he used to say he loved me and cared for me (when I look back, those were the times when he needed money from me!!)

He didn't cooperate with me to go to the psychiatrist... and went all possible things on earth to defame me and torture me even after separation!

I really can not trust these kinds of guys.

Sorry, though it appears that I am sceptical, but talking out of my experience only.

Keep distance... but talk to him and try to judge him and what he wants. For no reason on earth, the guy should make you a victim of his anger and all such nonsense.

Take care

 

Get Out of this arrangement. I don't even want to call this marriage. Why should you suffer? He is not going to change.

But at the same time, if you wnat to talk to the professional, contact Dr.Vijay Nagaswami in Chennai. He has written few books and writes in Hindu. I heard form few people he is good.

Just you alone go and see him. He may able to advice you.

Hope you have job to support yourself.

Peace Be with you.:coffee

 

I have just one thing to tell you dear!!

Abusive relationship doesnt have to be something where every minute and second of it you are being abused. It also means when the times are tough instead of talking and fixing things, one partner gets aggressive and snubs theother down, some with words, some with actions and some with abuse (physically and mentally)

So you sure would have some lovely memorable moments with your husband, but bottomline he is not that lovable person all the time. He gives love only when he thinks it is right..not when its needed by you or when the circumstance demands it. Yes, you can try to go back and support him for the sake of love you have for him, but will your love and affection and concern be reciprocated??? or would it be treated as if you have no other choice except to bear him and live with him?? as you cant live for yourself.

Also characteristics of an abusive person does show, extremes of love and hatred. So all the time the partner of such abusive people would be on their knees not knowing when their spouse gets angry. They would be quite unpredictable..(You can already see how you husband changes his words every day or how he behaves at diff. times)

On one hand you are saying he said all that about changing and giving him a chance..on the other hand...you know some rumours of how he and his parents are trying to get legal advice...

You are the final judge now..Why dont you just take a break from that messenger thing for a while. Why dont you let him wonder whats going on at your end. IF you keep lurking around him...you wont finda solution as you would feel more weak to take any action or be firm and put down your foot. Pls. need of the hour is not you trying to memorize those moments of love in the past...to make your future happy and strong you have to be firm and strong! stop waiting for him to send messages. If he has to he will. He knows your phone#, he knows your email id, he knows where you are living. But he has to have that motivation with out you persuading him.

 

You know he is playing mind games all along. Now you need to accept it.

There is hidden truth in some rumors. So you may want to cover your back. Get ready to face the worst case scenario.

You know the answer to this question. If he loves you, he won't hurt you or make excuses to hurt you. You have to accept that.

I was punished by my teachers in school and by mom, yes physically. They did it to put me in right direction. I did not grow up and start hitting people around me. That's just lame excuse to abuse you, you know it and accept it.

Were you given a chance to understand him better? Not just admitting, he needs to correct his behavior. If he really realized his behavior, he would have shown you the change in action not just saying for the sake of saying it.

Yes, stop living in the dream world, wake up and start accepting the truth.

Only YOU can answer that question.

Yes, unfortunately you are married to an abusive, greedy jerk. If he really wants to provide good life to his wife and kids, he needs to concentrate on his career not on his in-laws properties or abusing his wife. An animal after certain age will not depend on it's parents for livelihood. So as a human being we have to learn to make our living.

Again, You can stay at safe place, dream and hope for his change. But again you have to accept the truth based on your analysis about his behavior and plan your future accordingly.

God give you strength.