1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

domestic violence- what to do?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by needhelp123, Apr 26, 2010.

  1. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    3,369
    Likes Received:
    365
    Trophy Points:
    183
    Gender:
    Female
    That's his was of refusing to take responsibility for his actions or accepting the fact that HE has a problem. Instead of blaming himself, he's blaming you. In his own sick mind, he probably thinks the abuse is nothing wrong and that you 'deserve' it. How can 'help' or 'therapy' or chats with the priest ever work for him if he doesn't even think there's a problem??? Stay away from him if you want to live. It's that simple.
     
  2. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    7,302
    Likes Received:
    957
    Trophy Points:
    270
    Gender:
    Female
    I guess you are still missing the warning signals. It doesnt matter whom he talks to but what matters is ....how he handles his anger and feelings. Blaming the spouse, beating her up etc are not good signs of conflict resolution. If he had said sorry and had acknowledged his issues, and had put in an action plan for both of you to work on issues in marriage things would have been different and you can also start looking at working on this marriage....but rather all he has is to put blame on you!!!!! so how long this bullying and blaming will go on???

    Buckle up and stay strong. Just concentrate on your own self for a while and stop pleading or begging him for any kind of reconciliation. Remember this..if you cant be happy with yourself,....you cant be happy with anyone else....that means first of all try to handle your own self on what you want and how you want things in your marriage. until then just stay PUT and do not give in...

    Your husband does need some serious counselling and behaviour changes.Do not try to push things to come to normal. Give time and take time
     
  3. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,284
    Likes Received:
    28
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Male
    A million dollar advice.:thumbsup

     
  4. needhelp123

    needhelp123 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    109
    Likes Received:
    69
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    I know I have to concentrate on myself and maybe should try to move on.

    He told that the priest said excuses should be there between husband and wife relationship for smooth running and I should stay with my hubby.
    Of cause I made my husband clear that it is not that easy. I am quite sure that he has not revealed the entire truth to that priest. When I asked him to give me the contact number of this priest he refused! (Big surprise!)

    End of the story he has removed me from his buddy list. Guess he won't chat with me anymore at least for a while!
     
    Last edited: May 3, 2010
  5. Vidya21

    Vidya21 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    166
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    He is extremely manipulative. In one of your earlier posts you mentioned how you were familiar with the cycle of abuse. That is exactly what is happening here: he went quiet for a bit, seemed to be apologetic and make amends, and now the guilt-tripping starts all over again. Your instincts seem to be telling you the exact same thing, you need to trust your gut and be ruthlessly firm about this.

    My mom once told me something very wise: Most of our problems in life arise because we say Yes too soon, or say No too late.
     
  6. needhelp123

    needhelp123 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    109
    Likes Received:
    69
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    @Vidya21
    Yes, you are right it is the same old story.


    Right now I am thinking of telling our marriage problems to one of his close friends.
    Maybe he could give him a wake up call!
    I actually do not like to reveal our personal matters to others but I know my husband do not
    care much about our privacy. I've seen him plenty of times chatting with his friend and
    complaining about me and our marriage life. I've never tolerated it.

    Ok, I know running to that friend will look very desperate but that is what I am right now.


    Alright, is it a very bad idea to contact his friend?
     
  7. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    7,302
    Likes Received:
    957
    Trophy Points:
    270
    Gender:
    Female
    Sweetheart

    Could you please stop running to him for a while. even running for him also. Is marriage and being together only important for you??? is it not an important thing for him to reconcile with you???is your marriage not important to him as it is to you??

    Please stop for a while. Take a break from all this. Stop any trials to reconcile. He has to come around and apologize and he has to say lets patch up and get our expectations in right place.

    I still doubt whether he really met a priest or not..because am sure no counsellor or priest would say yes you can lie or yes you can keep secrets from your spouse/ yes you can stray or yes you can beat up your wife and she has to keep quiet. NO..NO ONE would say that.

    so might be for him to really get back on track is taking lot of time as he himself doesnt know what is marriage all about.

    Yes talk to one of his friends, but not for reconciling with your husband..but only to make your point and stand clear to his friend so that incase if his friends talks to your husband and even if your husband gives him a ear or listens to his friend, let the friend put it across on how strong you are!! and how you wont take all his crappy manipulative behaviour anymore. Tell his friend what all you have gone through with your husband and how you wont take any more abuse and you need to be respected in this marriage. Unless your husband mends his ways and comes to marriage counsellor along with you..make it clear that you are not ready to move forward with this marriage anymore..as you cant take the beatings anymore!!

    Why are you so bent up on running and reconciling:bonkI dont get it:hide:really if a man kicks you in the stomach and pulls you with your hair and beats you up and you are running behind him??? god something is wrong with both of you infact..not just him!!!

    Calm down. Try to move away from your current city to a diff. city and start a new job and new life. If your husband realises and comes around good for you, if not then also you would be fine eventually . REmember...your self confiddence taks a toll when you are being beaten up like that and victims want to be around their abusers as the abuser makes you feel you are the reason for him to behave that way and that you have to change..so youwant to change and reconcile now which is not right at all..this is all mind game played by the abuser. Even if you forcibly reconcile you are doing bad for your husband as instead of he correcting his behaviour, he would think he is right and he would continue his bad behaviour. So for him to change and mend his ways..you got to stay strong and put your point across...And he is not the one who should stop talking, you are the one who is supposed to cut off talks with him until he comes to talking terms.

    Handling abusers is a very difficult task..that too after the abusive episodes you have gone through...So stay strong. And please dont give in.
     
    Last edited: May 3, 2010
  8. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,284
    Likes Received:
    28
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Male
    This is really very tough, but required, an emotional person will always want to go and patch up no matter what, an abuser on the contrary will remain so. It is very imp to put strong.

    OP-on the side note the advice you are getting has some meaning, I am not sure if you are able to relate and understand, but advices coming from SriVidya is not a common advice, they are words of wisdom. You have to read between lines to grasp what lies behind and what it takes.


     
  9. Vidya21

    Vidya21 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    166
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    Before you seek help from this friend, you might want to think about what exactly it is that you want from getting him involved in this. Outline in your mind what and how you expect this friend to be able to help you.

    I say this because often we divulge the issues to a third person hoping that they would support us (because of course, they would see the "right" from "wrong".) That may not always happen.

    If you are going to have someone involved in this, make sure you determine how it will impact your problem. Make it explicitly clear in your mind, and in theirs what it is that you expect from telling them this information and how it is that you think they can help you with a problem. Otherwise, telling someone the problem for blanket "support" might backfire into a whole host of other maddening problems. Not to mention, this is HIS friend we are talking about.

    I am assuming others (like you parents or someone else trustworthy) know what has been going on in your relationship. I think taking someone you trust into confidence about issues like abuse is necessary, but only when you know how they can productively contribute to your issues.
     
    Last edited: May 3, 2010
  10. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    7,302
    Likes Received:
    957
    Trophy Points:
    270
    Gender:
    Female
    Good point:thumbsup Yes also dont get disappointed if the friend doesnt want to involve or doesnt take any step to help you.

    My take would be...talk to his friend only to give him the first hand info from your side..i.e your side of the story and just leave it there. Dont push or prod his friend to help you or talk to your husband. Men are no different than woman. They are also human beings..am sure both the friends would talk at some point and discuss all this. However again..You can drag a donkey to water..but cant make it drink water. Even if someone puts sense into your husbands brain, he has to realise the importance of the things/people he has in his life without which its difficult for him to change.
     

Share This Page