domestic violence- what to do?

You don't have kids yet, fortunately. If you delay and decide later your options may be fewer and harder to choose. Most people like to keep things as they are and lose precious time and opportunity and let pass the best solution for them.

So wise up and be decisive based on facts and not on hopes. In your case it's hoping against hopes as you really don't believe that he is going to change.

 

If you want to save your marriage, fine, but be sure to save yourself first. I agree that you want to get your husband the help he needs. But remember this, Only when he believes he needs help, it will help your relationship as he has taken the first step towards recovery.

Ofcourse every marriage has arguments, but in no way can a spouse hurt the other. That is not at all acceptable even though you would have provoked it. That's not an excuse to hit you.

Meet him in a public place like a restaurant, not in your home or his. Have an open conversation with him. Be stern that you are ready to give him a second chance, if and only if he gets help. Ask him to immediately join Anger management course. From your post it looks like you are in Chennai, so he shouldn't have problem finding one. Give a time frame. If he feels you are worthy to take the initiative, then he should do it immediately. Don't apologize, he should for his actions. As I said before he had no right to hit you and he should know that. He should understand that.

Good luck !

 

God help you lady, what is this ? he kicking in your stomach, pulling your hairs and all this. You want to stay as it seems you love him and want to see he gets help, but does he know that , you are tolerating to help him? or does he think you have no way or you cannot do anything? the reason I am saying is abuser will see goodness as weakness, abuser will give credit to him or her and not to his or her spouse if the spouse is tolerant, the abuser has high ego, will not see your point of view. You can offer help in a way that you dont get hurt in the due course. Best is to seperate temprorary at least.

 

Very very true :hide: and I witnessed it for my neighbour who sadly ran with her infant to a relatives house bare foot to be shipped back to her parents & then legally Divorced with the fellow. Even her auto fare was foot by the relatives once she reached their house.

 

Ok Now that you have supplied information on the level .
Let me tell you . What u have gone thru is very high level.
I think it will repeat with you certainly.
This relation cannot be called marriage , I think you need to contact a lawyer to get compensation and also as long I know if this has happened within a year of marriage , the marriage is supposed to be Null and Void.Please check with legal experts.

Another aspect please go to counsellor for yourself. You need to comeback to a state of equilibirium to take "YOUR OWN RIGHT DECISION" about what to do next.

Now for counselling : Please check Human Dynamics : www.hdap.com -I know someone as Isabel Paul.Ask for personal consultancy or how to go about it.

 

Hey, go a little easy on yourself.

Realizing a relationship has turned abusive is a big step. Realizing your partner needs help, and that the relationship needs to be put on hold or needs to end takes courage. You've done them both, and these are pretty tough issues to deal with. It takes time to heal from the abuse.

Feeling guilty about abandoning a partner when the going gets difficult is tough to handle but you also have to internalize that your safety comes first, no matter what. And you are helping him heal - by not giving him an easy target like you would have had you not taken these steps, and also by giving him a reality check about what he has been doing. [I don't think my logic here makes sense, but I offer it nonetheless if it helps you counter that guilt in a constructive manner...]

You just need to remember that there is help out there, you don't need to do it alone. You just have to be willing to call for help, and trust your instinct at times. :thumbsup

 

Just visiting the IL forum after a few days break, and this one thread caught my eye...

needhelp123,
Kicking you in the stomach, dragging you by the hair, pushing you and you got injured in the head!

You are DELUSIONAL to stay in this - *you* get help from a therapist, so hopefully therapist can make you see why you MUST leave this maniac that you call as hubby.

Divorce him and save your life else he'll probably injure you physically someday again.

 

I wonder what makes you think you have a marriage to work on.. AN ABUSER IS AN ABUSER. Period.

I agree women always want to give their life and soul to save their marriage but but but women can deal with anything and everything in this world if she is sure she is safe.. when that itself is a big question here, do not even consider going to live with him.. he needs to go to anger management course, get checked with doctors of that specialised field (even a phyciatric is needed!)

Do not go back just when he agrees to cooperate.. He has to wholeheartedly agree that he is at fault.. has to list down what wrong he has done to his wife, take initiative in meeting the experts who could help him.. he has to take up every step to correct himself, consult doctors, consiously take effort. and then spend time with you (not live with you) in public places or live together during weekends in your parents house for a few months and then when you are really really confident of your safety, move in with him. Firstly you are scared! YOU have to gain the courage to face him and stand up for yourself.. You have to be very very clear and firm that you will not return to him unless he goes through a few months of counselling..

Girl, take it slow.. there is absolutely no hurry to go back and get yourself abused.. take your time to deal with him while staying out of his home and then move in when you think it is safe for you to return.