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Does Your Mil Favour One Son And His Wife More Than The Other?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Patientone, Feb 24, 2021.

  1. Patientone

    Patientone Silver IL'ite

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    My MIL does and she’s not even embarrassed about hurting my husbands feeling. I know he does feel upset but he knows it’s because the other son is able to send her money each month (he moved abroad at an early age and started working). She forgets that my husband chose to live at home and he used to give all his income to his parents (still wasn’t respected). I’ve not said anything to anyone and won’t bother because why disrupt the peace and quiet and why want drama? Just today she put up a status wishing them a happy marriage anniversary (she never wished us) saying how they have a loved blessed like no one else’s etc etc. I know she doesn’t like me but even if I wasn’t there she’s treat my husband like dirt. But bless him he doesn’t say anything.

    Part of me knows that it’s because a) they have more money than us and they don’t give her that much time b) she really wants them to call her abroad so she can live with them...but they keep delaying it every year as something comes up. We don’t have an issue with my husbands brothers family..they’re kind but my MIL has a habit of trying to make us jealous or tries to cause a rift between us (by telling us anything negative they’ve said about us). I’m a mother myself and just thinking about this I think how could a parent do that...

    Also, if anyone else has experienced the same...how does your FIL respond? My FIL is probably aware of what’s happening but he chooses to stay quiet.
     
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  2. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    May be she is nice, so they can do her visit to abroad? As they are far and not giving much time, she wants to get the attention from them, people gravitate towards what is not available.
     
  3. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    A parent blatantly preferring and favoring one child over another while they are still children is close to cruel. After the children are adults, the relationship between all of them is a relationship between adults. It is possible that a parent will prefer one adult child over another, will be closer to one than the other. The parent might love each adult child equally but likes one more.

    Such preference for one adult child over another is difficult to analyze and pinpoint why or when is started. Some children are easier to raise than others. A child might be of more use to the parent in the retirement years.

    The ideal approach, in my opinion, is to _quietly_ support one's spouse, acknowledge the difference in treatment, and be there if he wants to talk. But it remains up to him whether he wants to bring it up with his parents. Let it remain about him, don't make it about you or both of you. As long as the in-laws are not causing any other issues, let things be.
    Your child(ren) must still be young. After you are done raising them into adults, you might achieve some perspective about 'how can a parent do that.'
     
  4. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

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    Yes. Favoritism and bias happens, although vehemently denied when pointed out.

    Usually the first child is a trial balloon. Quite often it may even be accidental/unintentional.

    In nuclear families, a pair of inexperienced novices use that child as a guineapig to learn what to do with something like that. And when they get some experience, do better with the ones that come later. This history can make a parent go one way or the other:
    • Feel guilty for not being able to do right by the prototype/pilot/experimental child, and therefore try to make up for it in later life.
    • Give up on the failure, and attach themselves to the better raised one(s).
    In collective families with a pair of inlaws (usually the woman/mother's inlaws) the first child is raised in a circus, with no parental control over decisions. By the time the subsequent one arrives, the in-laws had grown older, more tired, and pretty much had enough of babies, so that the newer, latter-day child is left alone for the parent to raise. In this case the favoritism of the parent can (again) go one way or the other:
    • Feel guilty for not being able to do right by the prototype/pilot/experimental child, and therefore try to make up for it in later life.
    • Give up on the failure, (blame inlaws) and attach themselves to the better raised one(s)
    As in....
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2021
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  5. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

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    ..here is what happened when Mowgli (Rudyard Kipling's Jungle Book) meets a random village boy:

    Mowgli: I was raised by wolves.
    village-boy: I was raised by my mom's mother in law.
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2021
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  6. Patientone

    Patientone Silver IL'ite

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    Both brothers live abroad in the same country. Parents live in India. I think she plays the game where She tries to make one brother jealous of the other.
     
  7. Patientone

    Patientone Silver IL'ite

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    Regardless I know plenty of people even my MILs mother who treated both her sons fairly regardless of how big their wallet was. Regardless of who was able to physically help her. Both my grandmothers were the same. Heck even my aunties treat their sons equally. But you’re right I’ve learnt even if they cause any other issues to not challenge it. That’s what she wants. Even right now her aim is to make us jealous. When I lived with her for 6 months ish she used to backbite about the same sister in law she’s praising right now and even her own son. I’d prefer she praise them rather than speak ill of them in front of me.
     
  8. pni

    pni Senior IL'ite

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    My mil lives with us and she and cosister don't talk to each other. Myself and cosister have hi bye relationship, no fight, no help. . Cosister is so egoistic she would never even enquire about her health, never helped when she was hospitalised, don't take care of my kids when I needed. When we have to leave outstation as a family, mil will hesitate to stay with them even for two days. I don't know till now whether she s scared of cosister or hate her. Above all this cosister used to keep telling how mil helped me and supported me and she never helped her like that. Bil and his wife also spread rumours that was I and husband was behind mil in separating them. God only knows truth. Bil blindly listen to her and supports his wife and distanced from us and my husband tells me to ignore . Becoz of their disturbed relationship I am made responsible to take care of mil completely. Now irritating part is when we don't give mil full attention, mil s also singing same song like we didn't allow visiting bils family, that s y she is not able to get well with his family. Blame game on us now. I am telling you from my exp, u won't know how people will change and start blaming on you. According to our relatives now cosister is distant and good, I stay with mil and good. Allow mother to gel with them. when you need their help she can ask them. If you stop her or show face when she tries to connect with them, this lady will take U-turn and blames you in future even it was cosister mistake. Just stay out of their relationship.
     
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  9. Desiindian

    Desiindian Silver IL'ite

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    OP, Your post sound es like your mil is playing mind games with both dils to maintain her respect and control over sons love. It strange that was she never wished you while putting wishes on her status for another adult child. The good thing is your husband is aware of his mother's favouritism and this will keep you secure your respect from him for ever. Then why bother about her dramas, let your husband handle her and her needs. You cut her off from your life. I am sure your husband would stand by you.
     
    candidheart and KashmirFlower like this.
  10. chanchitra

    chanchitra Gold IL'ite

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    My mil has got 2 sons. I am married to the 2nd one. My husband was the one who studied and worked abroad and raised the family's economic status. Gave lots of money to the elder brother.
    My mil has always favored the 1st son.
    It's just that. No reason.
    I have accepted it and moved on.
     
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