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Does Your Husband Help Carry Your Luggage?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by beautifullife30, May 9, 2022.

  1. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Finest Post Winner

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    @Viswamitra

    Thanks Viswa sir on behalf of your wife and mom. You remind me of my uncles who never hesitate to help the family. My uncles and grandfather are just like you. Since i was broughtup by my grandparents, i grew up looking at them and thought that all guys would help their family.

    This is what caused a rude shock initially into marriage. Atleast now, i have matured enough to just discuss about it normally but earlier i used to cry a lot thinking what have i got into.

    At times, i get reminded of a situation that happened early on into my marriage. I was 7 months expecting, working 9 hour shifts a day and came back and cooking and other stuff. I remember switching on the washing machine to wash the clothes at night so i could dry it in the morning. At middle of the night, my husband woke me up to show that the bathroom was clogged and the washing machine water floated over into the living room. All he did at that time was to give a mop stick and a wiper in my hands and he went back to watching his movie at midnight. I never said anything just wiped out the water and cleaned the bathroom and went back to sleep.

    So yes, earlier i used to cry abd feel horrible and bad about it but now i am resigned to my life. I know that some things can be changed while others cant. I am molding my sons to help me because its the best i can do for them and their future and myself at present.
     
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  2. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Finest Post Winner

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    Cute malstrom. Though the carelessness might be a problem, i would still count myself lucky had it been me in that place. Enjoy the help! :)
     
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  3. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Finest Post Winner

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    Enjoy the help lavani. I would had it been my husband doing all that for me. :)
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @beautifullife30, memories of incidents like this mopping/wiping at seven months pregnant, and hauling the hot water bucket at full pregnancy suddenly come back at times like this -- like when your mom was narrating to you her conversation with your uncle.

    Since those are part of "done with", don't bring them up again in anger or when arguing about other current things. Bringing up the distant past will make you look childish. If he didn't see the wrong back then, he won't see it now. All your being the adult in this matter will get reset. Your mom and uncle will be criticized as trouble-makers. Your husband will jokingly ask, "So what triggered this?"

    I would have a few carefully neutral yet pointed statements made aloud to my son about chivalry and basic human decency regarding carrying luggage. These would be delivered in earshot of husband, multiple times over the years. Tell your son clearly, "Dad doesn't help and that is how it is. But remember this is very rude."

    And, at a very calm time, in a very calm manner, on a lazy weekend evening or a long drive, I would bring up the luggage carrying topic with husband in a very light tone. The tone almost bordering on mocking yet not. In a highly amused voice, and relaxed body language, ask him "but why? but why are you such a jerk about luggage carrying? is it some unresolved childhood or manhood issues?" To whatever response he gives, react with total amusement and repeat the question. Walk away while still smiling and while he is still responding.

    Alternately, you could narrate to him your mother-uncle conversation. Add to it: "Maybe Uncle should ask you directly."

    Your examples (pregnancy time ones) and the vividness in your description can make anyone really angry on reading. But such things are more common than we think. A friend of mine and her husband used to carpool, same company, same workload, same team. After coming home, he would sit on the sofa and watch TV for 2.5 hours till dinner while she went straight to kitchen, cooking and kids homework, extracurriculars etc. Love marriage, same age, first kid only at 32, by choice, after five years of marriage.

    Such idiotic behaviors from husband are best dealt with then and there and never tolerated to start with. Bringing them well after the fact or after tolerating it for years will only backfire and put to waste all your suffering/mature dealing.
     
    Last edited: May 10, 2022
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  5. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    What you need to learn is the art of saying NO and different ways of asking help. Most of the time ' H' needs clear instructions and request for doing something that you cant do.

    Never over do and be the sacrifice lady.
    I got this experience by practice. My h now know that if he point out something to find fault with, I will most definitely ask him to do it. But he is also aware that I ask help for things I cant do it/ not interested in doing it/or was busy with something else. I will wait till its done by him even if its unloading the dish washer. Need to remind him. Else, I will fill my kitchen sink with everything :). Thats the indirect way of reminding him about the dishwasher. I do dishwashing part ( I hate it ), atleast he can do the second part.

    He is officially our weight lifting agent. During our recent trip also, he took the responsibility of our luggages. I was the official baby sitter. If he wants to be the baby sitter he can , I will manage weight, somehow. So he thinks the first option is better. But, I have conveyed to him that I cant lift heavy stuff. So, I ask help whenever weight lifting is needed. Earlier he used to wonder why I can't. I said, see your mom also cant, you help her, sameway, its not easy on me, that why I am asking help.

    I dont understand why he cant volunteer, he needs to be asked for help. Even if its sharing the job, its like a asking for a favor. But that's the way it is. So, I focus on the outcome, to get it done.

    If you havent tried it, start slowly. The transition should be smooth. If he talks about equality like you mentioned, find something you do everyday and ask him to do it. Also, dont do anything if he force you to do. Be firm. Dont fight or argue, use cool tone or jovial ways to handle it.
     
    Last edited: May 10, 2022
  6. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    It is not uncommon, it happens in different forms but it happens. So many times it is condoned by women themselves or by surrounding men and women. Try to remember the good experiences if any and stop replaying the bad ones in the head. Also, just stop expecting. Most of the people around help when they think you deserve help. We argue for a caste free society, race free, group and division free society but when it comes to home, stereotypes run deep. Rarely does a woman dominate in the family. And when she does, surprisingly the men around just submit, either out of fear or love. No questions asked, no reasoning applied. But for men, it is not uncommon and some consider it manly too.
     
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  7. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    Always. Every single time. Even when we're fighting. In the midst of an all out war, he will extend his hand for support on a slippery road.

    When we were younger, his chivalry sometimes amused and sometimes frustrated me. But it always made my heart beat a little faster. It still does.

    How does this luggage-carrying work in your marriage? Does he walk ahead hands free while you carry everything? Does he behave like this in front of his friends and colleagues? Is his behavior different depending on who's witnessing it? Does he support you when you're under the weather? Does he help around the house at all?

    IMO, his callousness needs to be fixed now. You aren't going to be young forever. Your sons will grow up and leave home to lead their own lives. You will need help with your aging mother. You yourself will need support as you get older. Work on his attitude now before you physically need his help.

    Once your property matters are settled, have a serious talk with him.

    Your DH also has four limbs. He is capable of buying his own groceries, cooking his own meals, cleaning his own utensils, washing his own clothes, cleaning his own house. Marriage is a partnership. Just as you do things for him, he should be doing things for you. Discuss this with him, seek professional counseling if necessary.

    If talking about it fails, start packing only your stuff in your suitcase. Let him pack and carry his own stuff. Don't tell him ahead of time. Let him find out when you get to your destination. Or maybe try something less drastic. If he doesn't react and it turns out he's okay with doing things separately and living independent lives, you're both going to have major problems as you get older.

    I hate to say this because it's such a cliché: Spouses have to be trained starting day one. Some things are part of their nature, some are simply a matter of how they were raised and some habits are the result of in-laws whispering in their ears. We have to undo all of that idiocy and retrain our spouses. This applies to both men and women.

    TBH, I would worry more about what your sons are learning from watching your marriage. As a couple, you need to set a good example for them.

    What causes him to behave like this? Is this about you or is this about how he was raised?

    This resignation and martyrdom is not a good model for your kids. They are watching you and your DH. From him, they are learning that if they behave poorly, they can expect the world to adapt to their bad behavior. The world will not. From you, they are learning defeatism. Neither of these are healthy behaviors.

    Ideally, these attitudes need to be addressed at the start of a marriage, but it's never too late. Fight back and change what you can as soon as the property stuff is resolved.
    .
     
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  8. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    How your husband behaves is the result of what experiences he had in his life, how it used to b in his family etc etc..My husband also had a similar problem of not carrying the luggage and feeling i can do it but its very subtle ..he will not b very rigid he will help if he feels my bag is heavy or i m tired or pregnancy ..But Yes he doesnt carry luggage happily..
     
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  9. kavikuyil

    kavikuyil Bronze IL'ite

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    Yeah this needs to be addressed and fixed. Even if it means going to counselling. Your uncle is not trying to create problem but aghast at what’s happening. Like how a lot of ppl in this thread are. This is unbelievable crap what he did when u were pregnant.

    I’m also a big believer in training from Day1 and also we teach people how to treat us. It’s never too late to start fixing this mess. I remember the day very early into the marriage that I made an omelet, which got torn by mistake not because of lack of experience.. and my husband looked at me and said - I can’t eat like that. I sat down to eat it and said ‘ok, I’ll eat this. You make it how u like’ .. it’s been a long way from there and he now does a lot of housework.. we still have issues that show up once in a while but majority issues have been ironed out ..

    Assign back his work to himself (like washing his clothes) and also tell him he need to share the workload equally.

    If you are doing majority of household work, if he doesn’t help, and if u can afford it, don’t hesitate to hire a cleaner or order takeout when you are tired .. if he’s bothered about that, he can do that work. Don’t get into fight just outsource work u can’t do .. if he asks, simply say in a calm voice ‘my back hurts, I’m doing what I can and getting help where I can’t. You are welcome to help.’ Also don’t hesitate to use a porter service at airport even if it’s expensive.

    Don’t cry yourself to sleep. It just causes more depression. Instead find solutions. We women have better working and more smart brain that men .. let’s use it for ourselves to get to a better outcome.
     
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  10. hrastro

    hrastro Platinum IL'ite

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    This whole discussion reminded me of an incident.

    My much older SIL(sister is 20+ older than DH), me and DH were travelling from station to home. My DH picked all our luggage and me and SIL were with only our hand baggage.
    She said - I'm so lucky to have my brother, he never allows me to lift weights!!

    A couple of days later, I was walking with MY brother, I was carrying some bags of clothes to give to the tailor - and was relating the above incident - my bro says - "Say it directly, dont beat around the bush" and snatched the bag with the clothes and didnt allow me to take it back!

    The very first compliment I received from DH on our honeymoon was - "These are your bags? You travel so light?"
    I have been travelling across the world - every year I used to cover 2 states of India with my son, I have taken him for trips abroad - just me and DS most of the time - even when he was 3, he would carry his luggage - so it was never a problem for me!
    Now, DS18 is a 6-footer and DH still doesnt allow me to carry weights, so I now really really struggle when I travel alone!

    Me who backpacked entire Europe and trekked the Himalayas alone - now I dread to travel alone, because who will help with the luggage?

    Keep smiling
    HR
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2022
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