Does your husband cold shoulder your parents?

kavya007 · Dec 20, 2007

Hello Everybody,

Some of you might have read from my previous thread that me and my hubby had a lot of problems after my delivery. My mom had come to the US to take care of me after my delivery. During that time, I used to confide a lot in my mother. My husband probably felt insecure about that. Once after the first month of delivery my mom humbly asked my husband, if she could take me to India and then bring me back after I got better. My husband got furious bonk. Ofcourse he had "hyperthyroid" at that time !! Since then my husband does not talk much with my mom or dad. He really cold shoulders them. The situation became worse after I had a nasty argument with my MIL when she had come to the US.

After the nasty argument I had with my MIL my husband did not want any of our relatives to come to our house. But my mother had already booked her tickets to the US. So I did not want her to cancel the ticket and I wanted her to come. I work full time and I find it really hard to manage things with my 1 year old son. My husband really cold shoulders my mom. He is not disrespectful but he is very cold. It makes me feel very bad. My mother works like a servant maid in my house taking care of everything and my husband treats her like she does not even exist. AFAIK my parents have not done or said anything to hurt him or his parents.

I feel hurt and angry by my husbands behavior. I feel that he is doing tit for tat just because I don't talk to his mom anymore. His mom has really ill treated and hurt me a lot every since my marriage. My husband also never bothered to sort out the issue between me and my in-laws. How do I react to my husbands behavior? I feel angry and hurt by his behavior. ILites please chime in.

Kavya.

Varloo · Dec 20, 2007

Hi Kavya,
this is very common in Indian men, they think that our parents are servants. My hubby had done and still does, the same to my people . He even told me that he won't stay in the same house with her, when she was about to come with me after my delivery that too a preterm baby. I asked her not to come and my sister dropped me and went off immediately. But we could not manage on our own and then he himself went and brought her. She stayed just till my MIL came and immediately left. This happened in Chennai 17 years back.
From then on, I have made it a point not to call my people for help. I had been working and left my job t take care of my son, I did not want to disturb my people. They were very reluctant to come even for a visit. After a few years, he was normal, but still he shows his ugly side from time to time.
If possible, manage on your own and that means huby has to pitch in too. Do not talk about your parents to him and also about his parents also. When the going gets tough without help, he may realise his mistake. But be patient.
All the best!

lakshmis66 · Dec 20, 2007

Hi Kavya,

This is indeed common with many Indian husbands. My folks get that kind of treatment even when they had helped him out financially and through advices and contacts, and my inlaws are taken care by me - not him.

Unfortunately, Indian boys are brought up (even today) with the thinking that doing work at home is beneath them. Families are possessive that the dil will take away the son from the mil and hence they are brought up to think that it is beneath them to be in good tems with the son's IL.

My MIL still chides my husband of 'falling in the hands' of the ILs when he displays an occassional good gesture towards them. However the same thing changes to 'My son in law knows my value only now' when it is her daughter's husband.

Our way of bringing up boys haa to change in this case.

Also Kavya, it is time you put at rest the cold shoulder you show your MIL Sometimes we carry so many rotten potatoes against a person that we even forget why we are carrying them. It is unfortunate your husband does not help but that does not mean that you cannot have a stright talk with her. Be firm but kind and loving. After all , I hope that there must be some good in her that you can capitalise upon. Give her a chance. Remember you are the more generous one. You have a bigger heart and you are the better person. Show that and things will get better. Problems will not go away between u and mil but it will certainly get better. After all life is short. We show empathy and forgiveness to 3rd people in our life. We can show it to our MIL That will give your husband less reason to cold shoulder your mom.

Until then, it would be better to manage without your mom. There is no reason why she should bear the insults. Make your husband to also realise her worth.

All the best dear! Don't feel lonely. Every problem has a solution.....My 2cents

kavya007 · Dec 21, 2007

Hello Friends,

Thank you very much for sharing your experiences and your valuable advice. Yesterday night I had a talk with my husband regarding this issue. I softly asked him if my parents had done anything to hurt him or his family and I had not addressed the issue. He said "No" and told me that he did not have any real issue with my mom. He told me that if it makes me happy he will definitely make an effort to talk to my mom and whatever he is doing is not intentional. Anyway I was really relieved with his response. I realized that when we are talking to our better half we should try to always communicate softly and humbly. If we become angry and emotional we will not achieve anything. Lesson learnt arty

Regards,
Kavya.

Kodavati · Dec 21, 2007

Hello Friends,

It is reaaly sad to know that Indian women have to suffer from this problem even now.
My husband also ignore my parents.
In the beginning of our marriage too he never considers them.
After a while we had a fight and it got worse and both our parents came to know about it and it became even worse.
MIL is a very very bad person.Being a woman she tried to ruin her own son's life.
My husband also knows that but instead of accepting what she did he acts like she did nothing wrong.
No matter what i and my parents do he still complains and does not want to talk to my parents and he does not want them to come to our house.
When i talk about what his mother did he only hits me.
No matter how i talk about the issue,he does this.
What is the solution to my problem ?