Does Unconditional love exists in Marriage??

For example, I asked him if I murdered somebody what would he do, and he said he'd break me out of jail and flee the country. Yet if I cheated, he said he couldn't take that. So... there you have a condition!

ASG Couldn't help laughing at that.

I with ASG on her first post - I also think only GOD is unconditional.

But "real love" is something some couples are capable of.When it is two-way then one can see the "marital bliss"


But what happened when we did fight with our sisters, made too much noise, got bad grades, and dragged mud across the clean living room carpet? Did people smile at us or speak gentle, loving words? No—they frowned, sighed with disappointment, and often spoke in harsh tones. Just as the positive behaviors of other people communicated to us that we were loved, the withdrawal of those behaviors could only mean that we were not being loved. Although it was unintentional, our parents and others taught us this terrible message: “When you’re good, I love you, but when you’re not, I don’t—or certainly I love you a great deal less.”

Priyamommy i think this is mostly a case of poor parenting technique and not the lack of "real love".exceptions will be there no doubt.


In any given negative interaction with your spouse, it is the longstanding lack of Real Love in your life that determines how you feel and respond, not the behavior of your spouse in that moment. In any given moment, you react to the amount of love you feel from everyone, past and present, not just from the person you’re interacting with.

I completely agree with you .

There are instances where my Hubby gets annoyed when I cry while I help myself with my home chores.He feels why she gets emotional over silly things.But what worries me is his indifference for years.
For example I take care of his wardrobe. His clothes gets washed and ironed
and neatly kept in the wardrobe like in shop.Even his vests gets ironed sometimes.I sort everything long shorts,short ones,blazers,short sleeve shirts,long sleeve shirts,jeans etc and keep tag for everything for easy finding.There is never an instance of missing sock.
My wardrobe is a mess but his will be always in good condition.Now throwing wet towels into wardrobe to cultivate molds and mixing laundered clothes with stinky clothes when i took hours to iron all those formal wears breaking my back is not what I expect.I dont expect appreciation from him but almost evertime finding the towel in wardrobe makes me feel like Iam being insignificant especially when you interact very less with your spouse.
Lack of real love is definitely painful.

 

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My cat just came over to visit me and it got me thinking.... it seems a pet's love is pretty unconditional. No matter whether I'm ugly, poor, mean, stupid or annoying.. she would still love me. But even a pet's love has a catch! I can't be sure because I've never tried it, but I bet if I stopped feeding her she would stop loving me.

Really though I think pet's show a lot of love. Probably not conditional because if you abused them or didn't feed them they'd stop... but in all other ways they seem to love us for US and not who we are or what we can give them.

 

ASG,

That's true.Pets love is unconditional.I don't think your cat will stop loving you if you stop giving her food.It will find ways to get food for herself.

I don't think it is dependent on your to get the food.Why I was telling,when I was young we used to have dog.We didn't have intentially,show how we got when it was very young and some one left near to our house.I don't know the reason but we left that dog on the street near to my grand mother house.Whenever we visit our grand parents,the dog would remember all our family mememrs would come with us all the way to our grand parents house.Still I can remember that dog.

So even you leave cat with some one else that would still remember you.

1janavi ,

You mentioned you are doing managing clothing section for your husband.first we need to know ourself why we are stressing ourself.Is that husband interested that way or we interested that way or is to impress the husband.First we need to know why we really stressing ourself.Accoridng your description,it seems your husband is not very organised person.Then why do you need to stess yourself? Second you need to find ways to ease your work.In US I feel giving shirts for laundry is very easy than doing at house.Office shirts are cost at $1 in cleaners .That is very easy than managing at house.So don't stress yourself and don't expect your husband shoudler to cry.

 

Oh no we could never leave her. Actually we have 2 cats and both are like our babies. They're members of the family to us.

What got me thinking about the food thing though, is last week the vet made me put my big cat on a diet. And she was really cranky for a few days and didn't want to 'talk' to me or hang out like usual. So I thought her love for me was attached to the food. But then she went back to normal. Probably just like humans, they have their good and bad days. I love to hug and kiss her because you can just tell how happy she is to be loved. My other cat is very loving too. Hubby says dogs are equally as loving.

 

No way ! Marriage is all about conditions , vows , rights and duties . The husband has to do certain things and same for the wife .
We also have some conditions which are not mentioned anywhere but exist - the wife has to obey ,tolerate and serve her ILs whatever the situation or the DH can throw her out.
This is seen love as well as arranged marriages.
The wife who looks afer the sick bed ridden spouse could be doing it out of duty too like a nurse and not necessarily out of love.
Even pets stop loving their master if ill -treated.
A spouse can continue to love the partner even if he/ she goes to jail but talk about EMAs , one night stands and even emotional infidelity and the love flies out never to return !

 

Priya ,yes my husband expects neat clothes and I dont want to end
up in an argument on the laundry bills and how me not working is causing him
trouble.Iam not expecting a shoulder to cry but a spouse that shows "true love" by atleast honestly trying not to mess up the hardwork.I understand my " crying " makes me sounds weak but there is only so much lack of "true love" that contributes to such an weak display of emotions.

We had a neighbours dog which used to run over the fence just to see my Dad after he returns from home.He din't take any food because he was already stuffed.
Yet again he expected love from Dad.Does this mean it is conditional
I remember in the serial "FRIENDS" phoebe and Joey had a simialr discussion on "unconditional love" when Joey said "phoebe having her brothers kids in her womb and giving away wasn't unconditional as the babies gave her joy "

 

janavi,

I know ,I shouldn't post in this thread.But instead of being sensitive why don't you look for alternative options.Suppose change your husband cloths to some other room where he doens't leave wet towel.He would be leaving wet towel in your closet.Chage his cloths to different clost and ask him to get cloths from different room unless he change his habit.
He need to think logically and put those rules in the home.My father had very habit of leaving wet towels every where.Luckly my husband didn't have those habits and my husband manages his cloths very well himself.But I know hazards ,if men don't know how to manage there cloths.
What I will do ,I will give shirts to cleaners and do pants at home.That way it will be less bill.See any alternative ways you can manage things with less hassle and stress.
Tell him,if he put wet towel in closet that towel directly goes into trash can and he has to buy new towels all the time.

 

Priya16, thanks for your suggestions.Yes I did try the options you said.It didn't work and knowing my hubs this method of throwing towel in trash will just make things worse inmy household.

Anyways ,my mention about this "wardrobe" was only to emphasize OP's point of view
In any given negative interaction with your spouse, it is the longstanding lack of Real Love in your life that determines how you feel and respond, not the behavior of your spouse in that moment. In any given moment, you react to the amount of love you feel from everyone, past and present, not just from the person you’re interacting with.

and by expecting my husband take trouble once in a while to put the towel on the line is just one among the simple gestures I take as an "expression of love" and I think feeling disappointed with that not happening is normal and not being sensitive.

 

The way I look at it is (or rather, my parents did was), "I love you no matter what, but I disapprove of your behavior at the current moment." It is possible to love someone, and disapprove or disagree with their behavior/actions and keep these two feelings discrete for most daily things.

I think ASG too hinted at something similar in another thread "...when you ask spouses why they love you, they can't really find reasons per se, they just do, because you're you."

Exactly. Often between DH and me, an argument or fight really isn't even about the day to day trivial stuff (although the trivial stuff is the pretense), but it stems more from the subconscious perception of how valued or loved I've generally felt over the past n-days/weeks.

If he's been generally thoughtful, I've let go of a lot of things that have bothered me without giving them a second thought. It's the same with him, if he has felt me being generally supportive, and considerate he's pretty much let go of a lot of stuff that would otherwise bother him. Thankfully, both of us subconsciously read these cues from each other and are able to float it.