1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Does this man mean it or is it mid-life problem???

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by meena2, Feb 22, 2010.

  1. meena2

    meena2 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    128
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    A friend of mine moved away from India about 13yrs back now. She is now 47yrs old. They lived for some years in London, Singapore and finally majority of the time in US. They are right now in US.

    They stayed in India for the first 4 yrs of their marriage. She stayed home that time. After they came to US she wanted to further her education but because of the finances and uncertainty with her dh's job she could not. She has not even learnt driving till now. They have one car and her hubby uses it. He helps in all the errands and taking her out for shopping etc. She tried to learn driving by taking up classes at driving school but flunked 3 times in road test and never took it up later. Somehow, she never took it up seriously later and her dh also did not bother to encourage. Their son is 15 and will start drivng next year. She was always a stay home mom all the time.

    Now, her husband tries to find fault with her staying home. He keeps telling her how double income would have been more beneficial. How they could have bought a big house, right now they stay in a rented apartment. He keeps saying how that 2nd income would have added to their comfort and made them more secured. Not that they are any less comfortable now.
    She is feeling guilty each time she hears him say so. He is still not ready to fund her education if she chooses so.
    She is so used to this lifestyle that she does not want to take up job/education now. Not that she is lazy or complacent but all these years staying home has made it her life style. Anyway, they are also not in dire need of any money....she says.

    Do you think he really means what he says or some men go through this phase too in mid-life. I am lost wondering.
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2010
    Loading...

  2. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    805
    Likes Received:
    352
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi,
    I read your post and feel bad for your friend. I don't know about why the husband is saying so but I can give some suggestions for your friend.

    1. First of all she needs to take this out of her mind that she did nothing all this years.She brought up her son and took care of the house.
    2. She needs to feel good about that.
    3. If anyone tells her otherwise she needs to tell them that the cost of a house keeper/maid/nanny in US is at least $2000-$3000 per month. That too they will get 2 days off on weekends and will need benefits.
    4. So she has earned at least that and some more.Her son might be having a beter future because of her.
    So tell her to inform her husband that she has worked all her life and that she did at home.Even the Indian census acknowledges that kind of work.

    And she should also tell him that if he wants her to work he must first tell her how he is going to help her in her household work and whether he will invest in her education before she decided to go for 2nd income.

    She can always take up driving again...She just needs a little confidence boost...she is fine..she can do it...
     
  3. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,921
    Likes Received:
    2,474
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    Yes its certainly mid life crisis ! Finding fault with ones wife and giving her an inferiority complex points to it.
    Most of the times the DH starts losing confidence in himself due to aging and uses the wife as a punching bag. He may also start flirting to proove his masculnity as a last ditch attempt and give DW a hard time making her feel bad about herself.
    Your friend should learn driving and take up a job , however small , even volunteer to give herself confidence. She should make a life for herself as the son too would be going away to college and she would be left in the empty nest facing an insecure DH.
     
  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,937
    Likes Received:
    1,469
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    It looks to me his prioritys have changed.May be because of they are getting old and urge to save more money for themself or becuase of his son's education.I don't the reasons but definilty he is feeling urge to have more money.That's why he is acting that way.Today or tomorrow he has to relaise money will not come from somewhere and whatever they have they need to live with it.
     
  5. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,862
    Likes Received:
    5,090
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    I feel this man is comparing his overall achievements against a person he's competing to.. either at work or at home.

    In a life when money is less... its most wanted and sought after... for many there's no love but a lot of money... they end up cribbing of not giving quality time to each other.

    Some ladies need a lot of pushing to go out of the house and probably this person dint do it at the right time & right way... there's no point in crying over spilled milk.. instead if he wants financial help now.. he can suggest her what to do next.
     

Share This Page