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Does this make sense ??

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by hopefulforbest, Jan 11, 2010.

  1. hopefulforbest

    hopefulforbest New IL'ite

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    I am new to this forum. A friend of mine suggested this forum.
    i have been married for three years now. was active , intelligent, good student. got married and came to us 3 yrs back. been living with in laws and dh for initial 2 yrs of marriage. faced many struggles and then got a job in another state. its 2.5 hrs away from the state we live in. DH and me decided to take the job and since i am not experienced decided to take a chance. the salary goes to a joint account of which i have no access. too much controlling and i had to fight to get credit card. otherwise just used to give me a 100$ for month expenses. i fought back got a credit card(joint account), debit card and cheques.(all r joint accounts). salary gets automatically deposited to that account.then my inlaws started fighting for the money i get from fields. i retaliated but they put a meeting and during the course of discussion i was trying to put my foot firmly down that i need that money and wish it to be in a separate account of mine. i then listed all the possibilities of my insecurity and what i was feeling. my fil started raising and kept telling me iam not being a proper dil and should give in all the money without asking a single word of it. all the jewels, my sarees everything in their control. they called my parents during that discussion and my mom in fury just said a bad word on my mil. im not allowed to call my parents becos these people think they are the source of all fights but they are not. im only fighting back bcos i feel insecure. im not allowed to talk to parents, not allowed to goto India, not allowed to be free with friends, shldnt call anyone.they got all the money from my parents.
    on new year my parents called to wish us. i spoke to them and it became a big issue. they wanted to do another seating now and i feel scared.
    im at a loss to understand what to do. my parents are emotionally broke down. friends please advice me what to do. i have tried to talk to my hubby, tried for a separate account which made matters worse.
    i love my dh and dont want to separate. if they come up and start pestering me why i talked to my parents what shld i answer. please respond.
     
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  2. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    re: Does this mae sense ??

    Tell them that you dont want any further meetings which are of no positive outcome to you & that you'll continue talking to your parents untill ur DH gives up talking to his own!!! Ask your office to create another salaried account for you & start putting money in that account.... tell ur DH that it was a requirement from your office... u can ask ur mgr to drop a mail for you.
     
  3. shivachoubey

    shivachoubey IL Hall of Fame

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    re: Does this mae sense ??

    I agree with Shilpa. Stop attending such meetings and tell your husband clearly that its your money and it should be your account. No point in doing something you don't like to do. No point in forcing yourself. Be firm.
     
  4. eandian

    eandian IL Hall of Fame

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    re: Does this mae sense ??

    I agree. Such meetings with inlaws are worthless. It will end up with them listing all your faults and you have ask for forgiveness and then promise to rectify yourself. been there done that. refuse without crying or tantrums. a firm "no" is enough.

    Do not inform your husband. Change your salary account. When he finds out, let him shout. tell him calmly that you have no other go if he continues like this. be prepared for drama. do not budge.

    Unless there are consequences (sudden and serious) husbands will never listen. Only when they know that you have passed on from the stage of "grumbling, crying, complaining and issuing vain threats" to the next stage of "hitting back without warning", he will change.

    The minute he knows that he will lose the money if he does not side with you, he will ditch his parents. He is money minded and does not trust you. He is using his parents as an excuse to control you.

    You can love him and not want to separate from him. But you need not tell him this. Let him have the idea that first he will lose control over your money and then he will lose you. Then he will change and he will fight against his parents for you. Till then no use.

    Do not explain why you have to have money or why you have to talk to anyone (parents or otherwise). it is your right just like it is your right to breathe.

    stop their behavior now or they will get used to this. my aunt could never talk to her family and missed her parents funeral, all family functions. you do not want to be in this position.

    worst case cut your relationship with them entirely. how can they harrass some one who will not have anything to do with them. These control maniacs cannot bear to let someone go. they will change at least to have some control.
     
  5. livelife

    livelife New IL'ite

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    re: Does this mae sense ??

    I too am in a similar situation as you.But for me its only my husband who is telling me that I cannot call home and speak to parents(no story of inlaws as they do not stay with us).
    Now I told one of his relative to ask him not to come up with such rules, and she told me that she would inform my parents about my well being from time to time.I did not tell her anything for that moment but nodded my head, as I pay all the respect to this person.But my question is how long will she keep informing about my well being.And that every time DH comes up with this condition, is this the solution? I keep asking this question to myself.
    I too am searching for an answer...if anyone can give an answer to me too..
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2010
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    re: Does this mae sense ??

    hopefulforbest,

    What is your husband take on this?Was he with his parents?Tell him you are not doing family with your in-laws and let them not interfear with you and you both of you should setup family somewhere and it's between both of you and it's none of your in-laws business.
    I think you need to stand up,create seperate account,credit your salary into that account and ask your husband to have seperate house for both of you and live seperate.you don't have to talk to your in-laws.
    First let us know where your husband stand on this?

    LiveLife,
    The life is like this.Suppose if you keep cat in some room and try to beat,as long as the cat is quite then we think we can beat her.Once the cat get reverse,anyhow we can't stand before the cat then we open the door.So same thing applies here.Even I know lot of women in india who deosn't have incomes,still stand up for there abuse in the house.I think women in US,can't go very easily and not able to see outside the society and coocked inside the houses with all kind of abuses.I think you need to tell your husband firmly that's not possible and I am ready to handle the further steps whatever you wanted.
    I am sure with the small baby you may not able to take this emotional standup.but one day you have to do it.
    START seprate thread with your problem then you may get good advises from other ILties.I know
    you have stated your problem in your other thread but start a new one.

    I think here two ways to handle the problem here.
    For time being keep quite and satisfy your husband ego and you get recovered and then after a year or so if your husband still in that ego mood(I beleive by that time he will get healed with his ego too) and then object.Meantime see you can communicate with your family through internet chat or sending mails something.
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2010
  7. livelife

    livelife New IL'ite

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    re: Does this mae sense ??

    Thanks priya onces again for your reply.I am trying to gain all the confidence that I should have.Hope God gives me the strength to deal with such issues.
    I am sorry hopefulforbest, for stealing a little of your space.Hope you too get the answers you want from these wonderful ladies out here.
     
  8. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    re: Does this mae sense ??

    Hopefulforbest

    Pls dont get me wrong here...but

    What BEST are you expecting out of all this???

    Husband a meek guy, involves his parents in everything that you both discuss about
    Inlaws greedy for money
    Inlaws and husband controlling your communications with parents/friends/relatives
    Inlaws calling your parents to harrass them (how can your inlaws even call your parents and complain about you not giving money to them..its sooo ridiculous)
    Above all, Having tehse world conferences or group talks!!!

    clear indications of being in an abusive marriage!


    Is this a marriage or some kind of drama company??? I clearly see why you were feeling so insecured or why you would want to have control of finances that you are earning, being around such people just drains energy out.

    Keep your inlaws aside and talk to your husband, ask him what is important for him??? you or the money that comes with you!! Let him know that you would share all the expenses at home and any investments etc he wants to put in, but cant handover money just like that. Let him know to gain your trust and confidence for you to handover the finances to him and to his parents....until then, you would want to have control over what you earn atleast...You are not asking him to explain / give control to you over his finances isnt it??? then why this greed from him or his father.

    Dont even agree to world conferences. Be firm and keep cool. Tell your parents not to involve in all this and also tell your husband not to let his parents involve in all this . Even if his parents get involved also, let them know not to drag your parents and deal with you.
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2010
  9. scorpiogal

    scorpiogal Senior IL'ite

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    re: Does this mae sense ??

    Hi Hopeful

    Don't take this crap anymore .You are sure in a abusive marriage and your in laws will continue if you let them to .

    Are your in laws US citizens or they are just visiting ?

    Open a seperate bank account and ask your company to deposit your salary there .

    Say a BIG no to the conference with your parents .Your parents are no way involved in this.Tell your in laws that you are adult enough to handle all of them by yourself and they cannot involve or harrass your parents like this and stand up for yourself .tell your DH if he really loves you the same way you love him he better support

    tell them that you can give your share of money everymonth to the houshold expenses and you will manage your money

    You cannot handle this assertively .start to be aggressive .

    Please stand up for yourself

    All the Best
     
  10. vimala1957

    vimala1957 Bronze IL'ite

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    re: Does this mae sense ??

    Hey , very painful it is. How can anyone stop you from talking to your parents? Why should they take away all your salary? You say you love your DH. good. but how much does he love you? His love is shown in his actions when he does not understand your feelings for your parents and your problem of the salary being taken away. I do not understand how much he cares for your feelings.

    You need to only talk to your DH - why others? Talk to him and say that you need his support to live happily both caring for each others feelings. You would respect the Inlaws if they cared and loved you other wise it would be difficult.

    Please do not bend more than required. If you speak confidently and determinedly, he will understand I think. But do not give in to the restrictions, not at any cost.
     

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