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Does Marriage Satisfy Our Emotional Needs?

Discussion in 'Wednesdays with Varalotti' started by varalotti, Sep 5, 2006.

  1. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    Very Deep Thinking, Sudha and Kamla

    I was actually waiting for this kind of responses from you. Let me just supplement my views on this.
    Career pressure has increased tremendously of late. In the sixties the man used to work for some 8 hours, come back home and will sit in an easy chair probably right in the street in front of his house. The woman of the house will be seated by his side, may be preparing betel leaves for him. I saw this in Saidapet, Chennai, where I was born. Families sitting out in front of their houses engaged in some conversation or other (it may even be gossip) have always filled my mind with hope. But that is not to be seen at all these days. With 14 hour working days, working in the weekends, travelling for more than 20 days in a month, there is no scope for any relationship let alone emotional bonding. Added to this is women opting for career. And they don't mind staying in a different town and meet their husband only once in a month or so.
    I once met a couple in Delhi. The boy, knowing that I have something to do with HR, came there to hand over his profile. His wife was also there.

    The boy, very bright and handsome with exceptional communication skills was a teamleader in a call center. His wife was working for some other company. The boy worked in night shifts and would come only by 730 in the morning. By that time the girl had to leave for work. They could meet only for 15 minutes in a day if their pick-up vehicles stuck to their schedules.

    It was a heart-rending story and the boy would not accept a position that pays less. The girl would not leave her work. I had to cut short the meeting when it was halfway through. I was so agitated by this that I wrote a story A Call to Life in which of course I also described the life of a call centre operative.

    The point I want to make is that the career pressures now prevent any emotional bonding between couples. Kamla, contrary to what you said, it is going to be worse with the younger generation.

    Another distinction I want to make. Both of you accept that loneliness is much harsher compared to even a dry marriage. There is no denying of the fact. I would like to say that at the very first level marriage addresses the question of that loneliness. And from there it has to advance towards the fulfilment of emotional needs. A marriage which passes Level 1 is good, no doubt. But it still has a long way to go. And to make this happen the couple should spend some time together. Some quality time when they can discuss something or just chat as friends do. Psychologists and marriage counsellors now advice that couples should go out to eat at least once in a fortnight. And that night they should have it all for themselves. No friends, relatives, not even children.

    The problem now is that couples are so much used to the present level of relationship that they dont want to risk any scaling up of the same. A friend told me that he tried to spend more time with his wife and only ended fighting up more with her. It is true. That risk is there. But we should make an attempt. For if the couples emotional needs are addressed then there would not be any health problems at all.

    I once read a book by an American Doctor where she lists down all ailments from ulcer to cancer, as being caused by some emotional problem.
    What I say may be bookish or theoritical. But it is at least an ideal we have to aim for.
    While signing off let me make some fundamentals doubly clear:
    Marriage is still the best possible thing available.
    And number two, if marriage does not satisfy ones emotional needs to seek gratification elsewhere would only end up complicating matters.
    Next wednesday we are going to take a case study (a real life one) to illustrate this point.
    Thanks once again for your enthusiastic participation.
    regards,
    sridhar
     
  2. sudhavnarasimhan

    sudhavnarasimhan Silver IL'ite

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    Hello Everyone,

    Just wanted to mention that this new movie KABHI ALVIDA NA KEHNA seems to be the type of movie which kind of answers many points we have been discussng right here! Ofcourse, they have shown what happens when two adults , married and whose emotional needs are thwarted within their marriage, and they seek for it outside.....but the trauma they go through and put others etc, and some well meaning thoughts, questions on marriage and relationships between husband and wife etc were well potrayed. I enjoyed watching the movie and it highlights that this relationship is one of the best and should not be taken lightly and must have a strong emotional bonding!

    Just thought would share this info......on this strong topic.
     
  3. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks Sudha For Sharing That Info!

    Thanks Sudha for sharing that info. Yes, I did hear about that film. I am happy to know that at last Indian films have now come of age to discuss something as crucial as thwarting of emotional needs. They have grown out of the hero-running-behind-the-heroine-in-five-countries-duets syndrome and the happily lived everafter Mills and Boon syndrome.
    And dear ILites just wait for 24 hours to learn about what happened when a man's emotional needs were thwarted in marriage. Truth is stranger than fiction at all times.
    To know more about this visit this forum by tomorrow evening.
    sridhar
     
  4. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    The Next Episode Is Out!

    Most Gracious ILites,

    Though I had promised to present separate incidents in the Wednesdays thread, this week I have given something that is connected with the last weeks discussion. Maybe I am still nursing a hangover from the heavy discussion on Emotional Needs.

    In fact it was this event (See the new thread : Emotional Needs Frustration - A Nasty Example) that prompted me to start discussion on this topic.

    The advantage of having a related topic is that those ILites who still want to talk on the subject can do that. And those who want something different from an abstract discussion have a concrete real-life example to apply their minds to.

    I would love to say, "Happy Reading", but given the nature of the incident, well, I don't want to lie.
    regards,
    Varalotti




     
  5. shyamala1234

    shyamala1234 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Marriage does not always satisfy emotional needs. Many times No than yes. After the initial euphoria of honeymoon is over and a little later after that...it is all commitment, getting used to each other, both pluses and minuses. lead parallel lives but live in the same house. Of course there are moments when they support each other emotionally...especially in a crisis. There should be space between a couple....otherwise the relationship becomes suffocated. They learn to live like pin balls without striking each other in their circumference. Some have the independence to do what they like and some do not. They always think about alternatives...o.k. if not this kind of dull life what better that one can have. Generally alternative is not a bed of roses. At least in this routine life there is security, especially when children are there. Both think about children and children are their common love.Tiff between independence and security. If things very much wrong then it is different. They have to take more daring steps. it applies both to men and women.
     
    1 person likes this.
  6. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    That's a good summing up of the interesting discussion we had in this thread. Marriage has its other uses, but we need to get our emotional needs satisfied in what we do. We need marriage as an institution for personal and social stability and a kind of mutual insurance to mitigate the risks of life.
    Well said, Shayamala.
    sridhar
     

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