Does Marriage Satisfy Our Emotional Needs? - A Happy Example!

varalotti · Sep 22, 2006

Your post was sad, but poetically so!

Dear Kamla,

You write very well and you write from your heart. Especially this passage moved me to tears and made my post appear rather superficial.

"Chained to their heartless spouses, bound to their children and religion, constrained by financial difficulties...it is for those my heart aches and I cry out. Where is romance, even remotely, in their lives? Where then is God? I am sure that even those wives and women want to sing...where is their song?"

Priya was a happy example. And as you said she was blessed. All agreed. But I find many women blindly, attached to their abusive, cruel spouses, though they could have walked out. But for a woman walking out is not a snap decision. She can divorce her husband, but not her children. Custody fights are there.

In the depths of such despair when those women cry out for help our minds are filled up with impotent anger, a rage which cannot be focussed on anybody. And it is the stories of these women which shake the very foundation of marriage.

My cousin's husband was openly cheating on her. When they came for my marriage, I saw her husband coming in with another lady almost hand in hand. 'I am just helping my colleague with her shopping' was his lame excuse. But he went out with her and did not come home for two days. My cousin ever since that day (when she was only 30) is virtually living alone. Though she has a son who has done well in life, there is a longing, a feeling of being defeated in her face which I could not bear to see. When I met her recently it was very difficult for me to look at her face and talk. The sorrow had permanently lodged in her face.

But she only curses her fate and is so blindly devoted to God who did not give her a life she can talk about. And for me the life she has lived so far is a penance much more sacred than a thousand years of penance done in some Himalayan forests.

I thought I gave a happy post; but now I am not happy.
sridhar

Kamla · Sep 23, 2006

Action-Reaction!

Dear Sridhar and Sudha,

That was very kind and generous of you both to praise my post and writing. Believe me, I could not have written all that without the provocation of your posts. This is a total inter-action community and is giving me encouragement to pen my thoughts.
Sridhar, I must give you a special mention for prodding and encouraging all of us to write with your thought provoking and illustrious writings on IL. You do it so freely without waiting for any rewards other than the feedbacks you get from us. Thanks.
I am sorry that my thoughts made you sad. But that is life. We see so much misery around us, inspite of realising world as a creation is beautiful. We are and can only be spectators for most of the time. Atleast we are aware. If each one of us make it a point not to cuase hurt to anyone, that in itself will be a small drop into the ocean.
Having said all that, I should remind myself not to get impatient with my own dear hubby when he asks for an untimely tea!!! That then is reality and the struggle for maintenance of emotional needs)!!!

L, Kamla

varalotti · Sep 23, 2006

After a Heavy Discussion Now a Poem To Relax

Most Gracious ILites,
I have posted the great poem IF by Rudyard Kipling in this week's Saturdays With Varalotti. While the Desiderata can be designated the mother, this can be called the father of all poems.
This poem got its author the nobel prize and will surely give us much more than that - a happy and a contented life.
Happy reading.
Varalotti

varalotti · Sep 26, 2006

Next Thread Posted!

Dear ILites,

Enough of relaxation. Now lets get back to work. I have posted a thread which is a reverse example in the series of Marriage and Emotional Needs.

The example I have quoted is as real as real can be.
Now I am waiting for your response. Sushma is waiting for your advice.

regards,
Varalotti

gayuharini · Mar 13, 2012

you are right Sridhar ji.

Most of the Girls today are financially independent or equiped with education to meet the financial needs.
As one of the IL's said what can lady with less education or no financial security do to end her bad marriage. good or bad she has to digest all the ill doings of her hus atleast for the kids life.
To be frank My MIL had a bad marriage and she took the bold decision to come out of marriage life when my hus was 4 yrs old. she lived a life of poverty most often looking at her brothers and mother for financial help.
Though she iltreats me which i understand is a result of a deep wound created by her unhappy marriage and compose myself not to hurt her emotinally further.

How many of ladies can take such bold decision and also come out of the wound. though they confide to spritualism /music/art there still lies a deep wound in their heart waiting to erupt.

varalotti · Mar 13, 2012

A lady friend of mine has a wonderful advice for women. If you make marriage or family life, 100% of your life, then you are bound to be hurt. Spread your risks. Get involved in work, cooking, writing, singing, dancing, language courses, social work, spiritual side.. anything so that your marriage is less than 20% of your life. That way even if it sucks the rest 80% will compensate you.

One thing is very certain, Gayathri. And I can say that with authority with more than three decades of living and working experience. Each one of us has a divine calling. Till we find that out and pour our energies into it our life will be painful and hurting.

The plight of women as you have rightly pointed out remains the same even after all the emancipation schemes.
Unless the woman takes her life in her own hands her fate is not going to change much.
thanks for coming in,
sridhar

gayuharini said: ↑

you are right Sridhar ji.

Most of the Girls today are financially independent or equiped with education to meet the financial needs.
As one of the IL's said what can lady with less education or no financial security do to end her bad marriage. good or bad she has to digest all the ill doings of her hus atleast for the kids life.
To be frank My MIL had a bad marriage and she took the bold decision to come out of marriage life when my hus was 4 yrs old. she lived a life of poverty most often looking at her brothers and mother for financial help.
Though she iltreats me which i understand is a result of a deep wound created by her unhappy marriage and compose myself not to hurt her emotinally further.

How many of ladies can take such bold decision and also come out of the wound. though they confide to spritualism /music/art there still lies a deep wound in their heart waiting to erupt.
Click to expand...

gayuharini · Mar 14, 2012

Thanks Ji for coming to this okd post and replying... Advice taken... thanks

varalotti · Mar 14, 2012

gayuharini said: ↑

Thanks Ji for coming to this okd post and replying... Advice taken... thanks
Click to expand...

You are most welcome, Gayathri.

shyamala1234 · Mar 31, 2012

Dear Varalotti,

This is the first time that I am coming to this part of IL. This is the first thing that I read about you. I went through all the replies also.

My view is that marriage is important for life, no doubt about it......but if it does not work out properly it should not be treated as the end of life either by themselves or society. It is only a part of life.We treat marriage as the MOST important thing in life. No...need not be.If one window closes another door opens. Nobody need to live in a suffocated way in a marriage. Financial independece is important for a women...if that is there, she can explore life and she has got every liberty to lead the life she wants. Her career,likes, dislikes....she is like a free bird. need not brood over the bad marriage.Society is also not as bad as we think. For children also...it is better to live with a single parent than living with fighting parents. Life can be blissful even without a husband.