Does Marriage Satisfy Our Emotional Needs? - A Happy Example!

varalotti · Sep 21, 2006

Cheerful Thanks To Cheer!

Dear Cheer,

Your name especially appearing after the customary endearment sounds very poetic. I am happy that you liked this example.

All these stories are good, because they are not written by me. They were written by God on the paper of life and I had the good fortune to copy them on for your benefit.

Any real life story helps. When we go to a new place we always seek the help of the persons who have visited that place earlier. Same is the case with life. These people have visited some places and just by their very lives have some thing to tell us.

Thanks once again,
sridhar

Chitvish · Sep 21, 2006

I continue !

My dear Sridhar,
You have written rightly that Priya will need a male companion to satisfy her emotional needs. But you have given her as a happy example in the emotional needs thread !
This itself shows, that she had no choice in life than accepting that she is not destined for fulfillment of such needs, but destined only for an independent life where she can command the respect of society at large. Unlike Priya, Raji has a husband who can satisfy her emotionally – but that is not to be. This ( Priya’s) is one situation where either spouse, living within the framework of our society has to choicelessly, learn to sublimate her or his desires. This is easily said than done is an undeniable fact. What other choice is there if you hold on to your sense of values ? She was literally thrown to a stage in life where though she has a cake, she cannot eat it. Though definitely far from a bed of roses, she has to thank God that she is not in a bed of thorns. That would have hurt her both financially, mentally & physically. These are examples in life where we have to arrive at the most bitter but true statement “ In life, we very often get only what we deserve & not what we desire”, for no fault of ours.
Love & regards,
Chithra.

varalotti · Sep 21, 2006

A Moving Story, Shahana!

Dear Shahana,

I am very happy and proud because my story has evoked many similar stories from ILites - you and Purnima.

I admire your friend who took to God when things got bad. She should have been a chosen child of God, for God intervened in her favour and set her home right.

Many women would not have the mind to seek God when distanced from their spouses. In fact the very opposite happens. That is they start denying God. If you do not believe me just scroll up to Purnima's post and read what her friend has written about God.

The God I know in the depths of my heart and the roots of my being is nothing but sheer love. So whether we worship Him or not, whether we take to His way or not, He loves us. His all-seeing eye observes us and His all-loving heart hugs ours.

And The Great God in his infinite wisdom gives some marital harmony that they may lead happy lives and to some discard, that they may achieve greater things. It is not given to us, the frail creatures of His Providence, to fathom his ways.
May that God bless us all.

Once we develop the quality of accepting whatever God chooses to give us, then our life would be one unbroken song of happiness and devotion.

God loves people like your friend who took to Him when there was a problem. God also loves with equal fervour people like Priya who have moulded their lives according to their own design.

thanks, Shahana for the story.
sridhar

varalotti · Sep 21, 2006

Dont You Think It's a Happy Example?

Dear Vandhana,

Agreed that the marriage had to die. At least it is in suspended animation. But in cases like this the woman especially dies as a free human being. She becomes a robot just going about her life and lives for the sake of her children. But in this case Priya demonstrated to her husband that she has an idenity of her own and a life of her own.

When I said "happy", Vandana, I did not mean perfectly happy or 100% happy. Such kind of happiness is achieved only by a few mystics when they are in a state of rapturous love with God.

You need to contrast Priya's present state with her "would have been" state of life, had she silently borne the life inflicted on her. That way Priya is happy. Of course she lacks male companions.

A woman in the US or the UK would not have bothered about all these things and would have had boy friends with her. But Priya is a product of our culture. She comes from a traditional family with a high sense of values. And in an effort to keep up her values, her family tradition, she has voluntarily foregone the pleasure of male company.

And Vandhana, there are thousands of women who have foregone the male company even though they are living in the same house with their husbands. And compared to them Priya has a happy life.

But we cannot deny the fact that one time or other, Priya would be missing the company of her husband, the husband of yesteryears, when he was doting on her.
thanks for the participation, Vandhana.
sridhar

varalotti · Sep 21, 2006

Thanks Vanaja Madam

Madam,

I like your style of inserting bold words in the middle of your post to emphasise the boldness of your reply.

Priya (not the real name) is now in her early fifties. And this happened many years back.

I have seen her when I was around 16. She used to be very beautiful. And her decision shows that she has a beautiful mind too.

I would like to use the language of accountants (for I am one). At some point in her life Priya drew a balance sheet of her assets and liabilities. She knew she could sell all her assets at a profit (read, she could not reap happiness in full). So she booked the loss (read: accepted the reality) and concentrated instead on assets yet to be realised. That way she maximised her ROI, return on investment on the available assets. (read: her happiness from other means).

thanks Vanaja Madam,
sridhar

safa · Sep 21, 2006

I agree with you and loved these words..

Sridhar,
I agree with you and loved these words...everyone who are facing problems in life must learn this.

The God I know in the depths of my heart and the roots of my being is nothing but sheer love. So whether we worship Him or not, whether we take to His way or not, He loves us. His all-seeing eyes observes us and His all-loving heart hugs ours.

I would like to add a little more, since these words are given to a lady who suffers many problems in married life..Hope some one would benefit this.

Pondering the blessings of GOD, and striving to show gratitude for them, and comparing these many blessings with the calamity that befell you. This opens the heart to contentment. So think of how many blessings ALMIGHTY has bestowed upon you, in your religion, your self, your health, your wealth and your children. Think of the calamities that have befallen others. How many women are paralyzed, how many suffer calamities that befall their children, or are tested in their religious commitment, or suffer sickness, and so on. If you think about this you will find that you are enjoying blessings for which you are to be envied. You will realize that there are people who are suffering greater calamities than you. This should make things easier for you and make you give praise and thanks, and acknowledge the bounty and mercy of THE MOST MERCIFUL.
Thinking about the calamity that has befallen you, and seeing the blessings that may be hidden therein. How many married women suffer from harsh treatment and abuse from their husbands and live a miserable life with them. You have been spared all that, so give praise to GOD.

sudhavnarasimhan · Sep 21, 2006

Dear Sridhar,
yeah its true that it was a bold step....but still the question EMOTIONAL NEEDS AND ITS FULFILMENT IN MARRIAGE, is not answered here.....in fact it negates the whole concept of marriage! What for should the man or woman go through emotional disruption(if i may call all this so!) in the name of ,marriage....would they have not been better off without any sort of emotional commitments to each other at all ......? Well, so we are back to square one......literally.
It is all nice to say that God loves us, and we should thank our stars and count our blessings....but only if we are in the shoes of these people can we really understand the misery and sorrow that they go through and the helplessness.
I too have a friend .....after 20 years of married life with this guy , who had turned insecure cos he had lost his job, ....he has literal hatred for her , since she hasfound a job and is bringing up her 2 kids, now teenagers, in a real proper manner....and she is unable to leave him sincehe threatens to take away the children.....and also in this country getting a divorce isvery expensive unless he gives it to her....which he will not since he is leaving off her money....but she is caught in such a helpless situation that we are all just watching her....and due to the stress she has all kinds of health probs, and since she isa muslim, she has some more pressures from her family and society.....and she is not even 40 and has wasted her life....

there are such marriages also.....sometimes i wonder what are marriages for? And itis not so easy in western countries.....though that is what it looks like, it is difficult for Indians outside their country.
As for the westerners, i see the germans here also dont approve of relations or having a baby when the Boy friend or a partner is not there....here also they condemn and gossip.....so it is a trauma on the person who is facing such prblems....so i wonder how can such a person accept the fact thaere is a loving God living in her heart !
Well so much for emotional fulfilment in married life.....

varalotti · Sep 21, 2006

You made me heavy, Sudha!

Dear Sudha,

When I posted the nasty example last week, it was you who said, that I made you heavy. And I suppose now it is your turn.

Kidding apart there are some profound truths in your post. Many a time what is sad is quite profound.

I am not going to, nor can I ever hope to, answer the many questions you have raised in your post. But let me dwell on some of them.

Yes your friend's case is quite unique and from what you have said it appears that she is trapped in that marriage with all the escape routes shut. I remember the same thing happened to the actress Srividya.

That guy was a Catholic and their marriage was solemnised under the Christian tradition.

Now as we all know the Catholics do not have any provision for divorce (unlike the Protestants, you might be knowing the history - Protestant Religion, Church Of England was born only because the King of England was not allowed to divorce his wife)
A Catholic marriage has to be just annulled by the competent court. Srividya had to spend almost her whole youth before this could happen. And the husband had grabbed the house she had built out of her hard-earned money.

Srividya almost touched fifty when she got release from the constricting, cruel marriage.

There are many complicated cases, I agree, and I am not presumptuous enough to offer a solution for such cases other than a heartfelt prayer.

In my example also, as you pointed out, Priya became free and happy simply because she virtually broke all the marriage ties without a formal divorce. Then where is the emotional needs fulfilment?

But if she stays with her husband, her losses would be much more than a mere frustration of emotional needs. She is at least substantially out of the clutches of a husband who did not make any attempt to understand her. And compared to your friend she is far happier.

But perfect happiness, yes, it is not there. Who has it?

Next about God. Well, what you have said is again, profoundly true. But let me tell you just this, when God Himself lets us down, we do not have any other alternative than God Himself. Falling at his feet, hitting our heads against the walls of temples, churches and mosques is the only way out. If we can find out why God did that to your nice friend, then He is no God and there would be no difference between us and God.

As to advising your friend, my advice would be to ask her to hold God firmly. By praying to Him fervently and feverishly, till the Most Merciful God deigns to send relief to her. That, I am sure would happen for sure.

All of us will start praying for her from now on.
Thanks Sudha, for making me think, for making me dwelve deeper into my heart when I looked for answers to the questions you have raised.
sridhar

Kamla · Sep 22, 2006

Perceptions

Dear Sridhar,

You have been awfully busy with the emotions I see...emotions of all of us!
This time round, it is Priya. Yes, like most others here, I too agree that Priya is one smart and brave lady. She broke away from the clutches of her unhappiness and created a world of her own liking. It is even more remarkable when a woman does so in India due to all the obvious reasons. All the same, our Priya here had it relatively easy. She was born beautiful and rich and with a God given talent. That is an awesome combination for anyone. Besides, she did have some happy married years and a son, her own child, who seems to hold on to her through thick and thin. Besides, her husband is now her friend, albeit estranged. No denying she had some stormy passage where some very valuable years were lost forever. I feel she has more blessings to her share than most women. She need not have walked out of her spouse's house to achieve what she did living by herself in her father's home. She had a choice, she chose. How many women are offered that choice? I don't think she was abused or restricted in her spouse's home, or have I missed out on something? There was no more 'marriage' in the real sense going on in her life. By walking out, she clearly showed her disinterest in such an arrangement. Her path too was laid out quite conveniently by destiny. If there was no conjugal romance, it was replaced by the romance in itself, which was her music. Her emotional needs were met by her successful carreer, her son and her friends. I am tempted to state that she is One Lucky Lady.
I am thinking of all those other women who may be just as motivated and willing to break their shackles if only they could. Chained to their heartless spouses, bound to their children and religion, constrained by financial difficulties...it is for those my heart aches and I cry out. Where is romance, even remotely, in their lives? Where then is God? I am sure that even those wives and women want to sing...where is their song?
Yes, your title is very apt...A Happy Example!

L, Kamla

sudhavnarasimhan · Sep 22, 2006

Dear Kamala,
That was a great posting......you summed up all our thoughts.....

this is what i was trying to say about my friend's case......Where is the Song in her life? She is also one heck of a beauty and just turning 40, young with all the aspirations of life BUT cannot break away....we all feel so helpless....but she is one brave lady, working and trying to get her 16 year old son to play in football teams etc....she has taken the role of the father also and the daughter is 19 and it has been difficult. But we tell her to wait till these 2 are settled a bit, emotionally also...then maybe she can get out and lead a more peaceful life the way she wants.....that is her only solace in future!

and Sridhar,

Thanks for the prayers, thats what she always asks me to de, include her in my prayers. Being a muslim she believes that God will show her the way, thank God, she has not lost hope and is pulling along wonderfully.Will definetely pass her all your wishes, she will be happy!
And all said and done, do any of us have the freedom to choose our lives, in the broad sense, i wonder?