Does Marriage Satisfy Our Emotional Needs? - A Happy Example!

Does Marriage Satisfy Our Emotional Needs – A Happy Example

Most Gracious ILites,
I have been receiving complaints that my Emotional Needs threads have become very heavy. Whether we like it or not we should address this basic problem which affects the closest relationship between two human beings. Agreed Shiva-Raji case (Nasty Example) was sad, rare and according to a majority of ILites an insurmountable problem.

This week let us see a positive example. An example in which a woman took the lead and solved the problem in her own inimitable style. It was not a very happy solution that made every one dance with joy. But nevertheless it was an intelligent solution which has a lesson or two for each one of us. This time I can say with confidence, Happy Reading.
Even if you feel sad reading this, do not worry. Come this Saturday another classical poem or story would be waiting for you in the Saturdays Thread to take the burden off your shoulders. Now let us quickly get on with this unique case.
Varalotti


Priya was the eldest daughter of a very rich Doctor in a provincial town. She was extraordinarily beautiful – about 5’ 10”, with a slender frame which accentuated her sharp facial features. She was her father’s pet child and her slightest whims were fulfilled by him.
Even at a very young age she took to music. Her teacher commented that she should have had some connection to music right from her previous birth. And mind you this was not an exaggeration. When I was a 16 year old lad (Priya should be 6, 7 years elder to me) I saw her performing in a local Sabha. I whole-heartedly seconded her teacher’s opinion.
Priya’s wedding was a ‘talk-of-the-town’ event. She was married to Rishi, a young, handsome businessman in Chennai. Life to them was an eternal honeymoon. Priya gave birth to a cute baby boy.

When the boy was about 10 years old, Priya’s husband started facing problems in his business. There was a messy family partition that drained all of Rishi’s energies. Though Rishi had his righteous share in the family property and could have lived happily with that, he was quite upset about the behaviour of his uncles and cousins. Rishi who was a social drinker till then became an alchoholic.

He would frequent the bars of star hotels almost every afternoon and every night. House to him became a “bed-and-breakfast” accommodation with Priya as the caretaker. Leaving early in the morning he would return only late in the night and hit the bed directly.

Priya tried her best to reform her husband. She enlisted the help of her family elders. But that only resulted in nasty fights. Rishi started coming to the house once in three days. Priya was devastated.

She now knew very well that her marriage had failed. And that her emotional needs would never be fulfilled by the sham of a marriage that still subsisted with Rishi. Divorce was not the option. Now Priya was in her late thirties and she could not marry again. Her teenage son would be devastated by their divorce.

Priya now took to music again with a vengeance. She had not been singing for a while. Now she engaged the services of expert teachers to learn the nuances of Carnatic Music. As music entered her heart again her mind became peaceful and she could think of her marriage in objective terms.

Meanwhile two events occurred which sort of paved the way for her unique decision. Her son had to go to the <st1:country-region><st1lace>US</st1lace></st1:country-region> for higher studies. Priya was mildly depressed. She had to be home alone most of the time, with her errant husband visiting her once in a week or so. Her nagging mother-in-law was living with her. At that age and in that condition Priya found that the words of her mother-in-law were hurtful and she could not bear to hear them any longer.

Her father died and left her a beautiful, furnished flat right in the heart of the city. And Priya made her decision.

She told her husband that she could no longer live in his house which constricted her. Nor could she tolerate her nagging mother-in-law. She wanted to devote the rest of her life to music. So she was going to live all alone in the flat bequeathed to her by her father.

She did not say that with anger or hatred. She was soft but unusually firm. She will live all alone in her flat. Rishi was welcome to visit her any time he wanted. But it would be preferable if he could call her and ascertain her convenience.

Her mother-in-law staged a drama. Rishi shouted. Priya was calm. She said that if he still objected, then divorce was the only choice. That clinched the argument in her favour.

Now Priya lives alone in her flat. She practises music for 6 hours in a day. She is now a well-known musician. She has her own group of friends in the music circle. They visit her and she visits them. Whenever her son comes from the <st1:country-region><st1lace>US</st1lace></st1:country-region> he stays with her. Priya’s father had gifted some shares to her at the time of her marriage. Those shares have multiplied in value and now give her a good financial security and a decent income. Added to that she is making good money in music. She has released more than a dozen cassettes.

The very surprising part is that Rishi now sees her with respect. He has not changed his ways. But he visits her twice or thrice a week. And when he comes he talks to her for a long time, discusses his business problems with her and hears her suggestions.

And now when I hear her sing I do not hear the cries of a subjugated wife but the freedom song of a woman who is in charge of her own life; not the passionate pleas of a frustrated woman, but the perfect music flowing from a fulfilled human being. May she ever be blessed.


Varalotti

 

Your Friend's story is sad, Purnima!

Dear Purnima,

You have answered my story with another story. I was moved by your friend's lines:

"If God intended me to have a happy married life, it would have been good the first time around. If everything is in God's power, the same God could have automatically changed Hari(name changed). So This is how life is. No God, No Karma. It just is. Do what u do and accept what comes to u. Set your limits as to what u can accept, what you cannot accept. Thats it, i guess."

God is not interested in us having a happy married life. Not even a happy life. He is interested in our spiritual growth and overall welfare. Unfortunately your friend had to learn a lesson there through Hari which she did. I admire your friend for boldly walking out of a bad marriage and a cheating husband.

Right now her wound is fresh and therefore it hurts. Time would heal her wounds. And then she would meet the right man in her life and then have a really happy married life.

Seeing my happy sounding words you might think that Priya has a happy life now. Substantially so. But still there are some needs, emotional needs, which only a husband can fulfill. There she still lacks. But she has music, her set of friends and above all a free and an independent life to compensate her for that.

Thanks for the participation, Purnima.
regards,
Varalotti

 

Thanks Chitra

Dear Chitra,

The path taken by Priya can be chosen by any woman provided she has the strength to stand alone and defy the established customs.
What Priya had was not just financial independence. In todays world where women opt for jobs, that is there. But the women lack the emotional independence. Priya had it and she took the plunge.

Let me reiterate what I told in my reply to Purnima. What Priya has chosen is not a bed of roses. Priya might hate the rishi who drinks every day and comes home once in a week or so. But she definitely requires some male companion for her emotional needs. And she would be missing that.

Another thing I want to emphasise here with a sense of pride. Priya might have chosen a solitary life and might have walked out of her marital home. But she is a woman of great moral values. She has not chosen to live a wayward life. She is one of the most disciplined persons I have ever known. She holds on to her sense of values.

I am now convinced only a woman of high values, a very responsible woman like Priya could have made such a sensible choice.

thanks for your wishes to Priya.

sridhar