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Does intercast or interracial marriage always work?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by anika987, Nov 6, 2014.

  1. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Just curious.even within the same cast and culture ,after initial stage problems start due to lot of differences which were dormant during the courtship stage.

    Dh friend has married an American who is least interested in Indian culture and wants him to change.Also she does not want to even visit India or allow inlaws to come and visit them even for a month

    Another friend who is tamil married a guy from UP.she is settled in Mumbai but hate inlaws home coz she cannot stick to their culture.she hates their food and he hates rice.silly problem but has been blown out of proportion even to the extent she finishes dinner and has lunch at her moms place everyday and asks mil to cook for herself and her son.

    not saying problems do not occur in the same cast but atleast basic problems like food,dressing ,language,movies is kind of avoided being in the same culture.during love we are ok with everything and later when problems arise people regret..

    just wanted to know your thoughts....thank you
     
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  2. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    I know Indian folks married to Americans/Europeans who are very very happy.
    I know same language/same caste/same everything ppl who are UNHAPPY in marriage.

    Its all in the mindset.
     
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  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    To answer your question,
    No, they do not always work, just as arranged marriages also fail sometimes.
    It is true that there will be more adjustments and compromises necessary in the case of the former. It all comes down to how willing all the participants are to make things work.
    Maturity, mutual understanding, and a sense of humor go a long way. It is also important to present a united front when interacting with the extended family.
    This could be well written of any marriage.
    My husband is originally from Europe, and while we have had our share of ups and downs, our core values are the same. Love need not and should not be blind. We respect each other and each other's families, food habits and traditions.
     
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  4. Nidhi2014

    Nidhi2014 Silver IL'ite

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    It depends on the strength of love a couple has. Even if the love is strong, in laws issues always crop up.. I don't think food attire has much to do with it coz these days South Indians have elaborate punjabi style mehndi and geet ceremonies and north Indians are big fan of southern girl/ boys face features n food.. Due to my personal experience, I learnt it the hard way that it's in laws whose egos are bruised that keep on creating issues among couple till the end of their life. They do it knowingly or unknowingly. But they do it (create rift in couple). Ultimately respect, love, maturity, affection n tolerance between husband wife ( 2 way street, one sided respect maturity etc won't work) will keep marriage safe.


    i would recommend no intercaste marriage if the girl is sensitive social person, mostly she would remain outsider for her in laws, co sister, sister in laws husbands cousin etc..they will not involve her in family functions n matters as they would to their daughter or DIL from their same culture..no matter how good she is....she should think twice with what she is heading into n be mentally prepared for it. Husband will not accept his parents wrongdoings and will always give them the benefit of doubt while the girl is kept isolated from family gup shup....

    think 100 times before you leap. If the guy is someone you cannot live without..then you may go ahead ..else better cry for few days n live happy with same culture family.
     
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  5. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    I think you can find your answer in the posts here at IL. Most (of course not all) people here are married in their own communities and many have problems adjusting with in-laws/spouse.
    There are always challenges in life and one might think that marrying in a different culture would pose more challenges, it is not always true.

    From my own experience of marrying a person from same community and city and later marrying a person from a different country- I found that the happy marriage is built on a strong foundation of trust, respect and equal rights. I found my soul mate on a different continent and sometimes I feel that he understands me better than my own family.
     
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  6. memeera1234

    memeera1234 Gold IL'ite

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    I feel a married couple should feel oneness from heart and not find it in culture or traditions. Marriages do call for its share of adjustments whether it be inter-caste, inter-religion or inter-place. If one is ready to accept the other person as he or she is and respecting her or his individuality, I feel it really doesnt matter.
     
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  7. msm

    msm Gold IL'ite

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    Its all in the mindset / understanding between the couples as well as the immediate family.

    Mine is an inter-caste marriage differing significantly on food habits, am from a pure Veg upbringing ( not even eggs), but my husband's family take non-veg (my father in-law especially wants fish everyday). However, whenever we visit them my in-laws clear off the fridge except eggs, they dont even prepare omlette/any egg based food or have non-veg stuff till the time I leave the house. They never intruded/forced feeding non-veg to my kids/husband either. My husband however is not so fond of Non-veg items since childhood and left it for me ( ok, agree I only insisted not to have it even in my absence, not sure how far he is sticking on it though :) ). But in laws' adjustment/respect towards my feelings is something truly I appreciate very much.

    And one more initial agreement we both had was not to fight because of our family's reasons, like your mother did this/said this. But we do fight every now and then and I cry/he gets angry, but the underlying thread is so strong that everything goes away in few hrs or max. by a day. I can't stay quiet without talking to my husband and I initiate one more fight to talk to him again :) and he knows that very well and just wait for me to open our second round.

    So its the love/understanding between the couple as well as the non-poking nature of the immediate family.

    And of course yes, distance also matters a lot with immediate family. If we were to stay together, I can't expect my in-laws to drop off their food habits just for me, would definitely have gone to a separate home for ourselves.
     
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  8. cutemonster

    cutemonster Platinum IL'ite

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    At the end of the day it a marriage , be it love, arranged, love cum arranged, intercaste, inter religion or anything and like any other relationship needs the total commitment anud maturity of both the guy and the girl.
    In my family we have lots of inter cultural marriages different caste, religion, language, and even race. All are happily married and some for more than thirty years.
     
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  9. Riyakathir

    Riyakathir Platinum IL'ite

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    Either it is inter cast marriage or even if you are married to your same blood aunts son, its all there in the mind set.

    All is there in the love and affection. Though some of the hidden factors are there affecting the peace of the couples, the above mentioned by you are merely ego according to me.

    Any marriage is not only within the couples, it is between two big family. We have to tolerate, adjust to a certain level.

    Being a inter caste marriage myself, between two families who are almost different from the language to the food. It will be a mere example to compare with whole world.

    But what are all the problems you have mentioned never accrued in my life.. so it is not in the caste, culture or the language. it is there at Head, at the BRAIN.
     
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  10. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    My husband and I can't be from a more similar background. But he loves to eat anything other than rice at *all* meal times. I love my rice and curries. We compromise. We normally eat rice only for noon. He adjusts that one time. I adjust at other times or keep some rice for me aside for dinner. Some days we make rotis or other stuff for lunch as well which makes him really happy.

    Whatever the background, it is about accepting the other person, likes, dislikes and all.

    This is really sad. Hope they work something out, like let them visit but have them stay in a nearby place rather than share the roof.
    I know of many many couples who have married across the boundaries of caste, religion , states and countries and live happily accommodating each other very well. I also know of a case in my parent's generation where in the dutch husband never ever visited the wife's country and was always aloof with her side.
     
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